Reason
by oberyn
Summary: A lingering glance across a crowded room- that's enough to send Shikamaru into a downward spiral of obsession and confusion. Flowers, games, meaningless words- but most of all, Shikamaru has to wonder- Why? SasuShika, AU, rated for
1. one: Sudden

---

**_A/N: While surfing through Naruto fic recs, I found a SasuShika. It was …different. And, what's more amazing… it worked. I rediscovered my love for Naruto, not only for the anime and the manga and the plot thereof, but for the characters- of just how fanfics were just so damn fun. So I decided to write again, and I took SasuShika as a challenge. It sounds like crack, and I have seem one SasuShika crack out there, but after thinking about it, I think I have found a way it could work, and it intrigues me. It might suck. It might go OOC… Infact I think it will be OOC. I'll try not to. It's not planned- it's mainly something to get me writing again. I want to see where it goes._**

**_WARNING: Slight AU. Yaoi, blah blah blah. I doubt it'd get too graphic, but still. It's Yaoi. No likey the yaoi? No read. Kthx._**

**_Here we go._**

---

**one  
SUDDEN**

_it seems so obvious  
there's something up with us  
I swear, I feel it from across the room  
so, can I ask you this?  
not to be forward, miss-_

_but I think I'd kill myself  
if I never knew..._

- Inside of You, Hoobastank

---

He couldn't sleep.

It was different, very different- typically it was staying awake he had problems with. He would have been bothered- only, really, he didn't care.

He rested his head against his arm flat across the desk, staring nonchalantly at the mountain of paperwork he was faced with. Piles and piles of forms and papers regarding this year's chuunin applicants, to be read, edited, approved and filed away… his gaze wandered through the room, various ninja diligently working away at their desks, although there was an audible level of chatter- Shikamaru simply hadn't made many new friends among the chuunin, and he couldn't be bothered to. From where he was he could see the tell-tape hairstyles of the two ninja infront of him- Izumo and Kotetsu. He never saw them apart… sometimes, it made him wonder.

There were times, like now, when the clouds ailed to hold his interest. And he would settle to puzzling over people- not long after resigning to the uselessness of the task and drift into a nap. The people here, though, were hardly interesting. Izumo and Kotetsu's maybe-relationship was already whispered from ear to ear, and the people themselves were so clear and delibrate in their actions there was nothing to puzzle over. And so, finally, with a drawn-out sigh, he pulled an application of some Konoha genin infront of him and set to work, deciding that he would at least _try _to look forward to tonight.

Team Seven, Team Ten, Team Gai, and of course Team Eight. They had all become good friends over time, but with the hassle of their new lives they only talked in passing. It was all Sakura's idea- she was finally able to take some time off her strenous mentorship with Godaime-sama and she wanted to try and get everyone together, atleast for nice dinner. Chouji was all over it. Shikamaru hadn't really wanted to go, but Ino had convinced him- Chouji was going, after all, there was no convincing hima gainst it, and it'd be nice to see everyone in one place again. With people like Neji and even the mentors finally being able to take time off their busy schedules, it was a pity to waste a rare opportunity. A rare, but _troublesome _opportunity. Sakura had even called in Kankuro and Temari- the latter was supposed to arrive in a day or so anyway for some preparations for the examinations- although Gaara was obviously preoccupied. The kazekage does not leave as he pleases for parties and pleasantries.

_Hai… mendokusee. How troublesome, _he thought idly to himself, twiddling with his pen, wondering just when Temari was getting here, anyway.

---

He couldn't sleep.

He needed to. He was tired. Five days- five days this time, full training, no rest. Two days less than last time. He was getting weaker. He shouldn't be getting weaker. He should be getting stronger. He could almost feel his bones shaking, his knees straining as he held his stance- he could hear the weakness in his shallow, rattling breaths. People had come by. Naruto. Sakura. Some girls he didn't know and didn't bother himself with. Ino. A small, weak smile lingered on his lips- he thought of Naruto, the way he was so worried- the way he insisted on Sasuke getting at least some food (_Ramen is very good for training, Sasuke!)_… and then the way he stopped, nodded grimly and turned away without a word, when he finally understood. That idiot finally understood. He would not rest. He must get stronger. The smile turned into a small scowl- _Naruto._He was so much stronger now.

Kakashi had come by. He had watched, quietly, without a word- Sasuke never saw him take his eye off the pages of _Icha Icha Paradise_, but he didn't need to to know he was watching. He stayed there for hours- even when in the pouring rain. He only corrected Sasuke on his posture once, and hours later, left without another word.

Ino. Honestly, Ino was worse than _Naruto _sometimes. All she did was _Oh, Sasuke-kun, you're so strong! _and _You have so much stamina, Sasuke-kun, I could never do that!_ She couldn't understand. None of them could. He didn't care about how well he was- he only needed to get stronger. He was strong, but not enough. The title of jounin meant nothing to him. There was only one thing, one person, he would measure himself against. Only one.

Ever since the day they snatched him back from the Sound, ever since they shook him awake and heard Naruto screaming about how he shouldn't have done anything, ever since he saw Sakura crying that he was alive, Kakashi looming overhead, even his eyes filled with relief- he knew he didn't want that again. He didn't want to be that _pathetic._ No one had to care about him. He would make it on his own. He didn't need Orochimaru. He didn't need anyone.

His knees buckled- he cursed under his breath. He _was _weak. Tired.

_Your arm is too low, Sasuke-kun. Are you tired?_

He grit his teeth. Kakashi did it on purpose, he was sure. That mocking tone in his voice, the knowing look in his eye…

_Then why don't you head home, Sasuke-kun? I'm sure Sakura-chan would like you to be alive at dinner._

He wanted to punch him in the teeth. Kakashi was mocking him, he knew, because Kakashi thought he wouldn't go- knew he wouldn't go. But he wanted to prove him wrong.

And he would. He would head home now. Not to rest, he told himself, but to get ready. He had a party to go to.

---

It was nice to see everyone again, but it didn't stop the party from being troublesome.

Chouji was of course helping himself to heaps of the food Sakura had provided, and Ino, having given up on trying to prod Shikamaru into actually initiating some conversation (Chouji already knew it was pointless) was chiding him on his eating habits (and everyone except Ino knew _that_ was pointless). Sakura came over to talk to him, too, but the conversation had been nothing but an idle exchange of "Oh, I did some paperwork" and "Oh, what kind?" and "Oh, Tsunade-senpai has been teaching me some medical ninjutsu" and "Oh, is she hard on her students?" and all matter of such meddlesome conversations._ Women_, Shikamaru thought, sipping idly from his drink. _Troublesome creatures._

Even Shino was doing some form of socializing in that he was offering up some words now and then and actively listening in a group of conversing people. It was a large group- Naruto, Sakura, Lee, Neji, Gai, Kakashi, Kiba, Hinata... who, surprisingly, was not fainting at the mere sight of Naruto, although she clearly avoided his gaze. Naruto, Gai and Lee had begun a "Who could eat the most ramen?" contest, clearly ignoring Chouji just behind them, and Sakura, Neji, Kakashi, Kiba and Hinata were just catching up while laughing at the competitor's antics. They had all already talked a little or waved to Shikamaru, but while Shikamaru was trying very hard not to think about who _wasn't _there, he saw Kurenai coming in late, and felt something stab at his chest. He shoved it aside, refusing to linger- when something caught his eye.

Lingering in the corner of the room, he was seated on one fof the other tables Sakura had set up (only the table with the food on it and the one with the crowd around it was really getting any use), conveniently hidden in the shadow. His hair was black- bangs fell infront of his face on either side, a strand lingering across an intense gaze.

Shikamaru stared. And the figure stared back. He was hardly seen around, nowadays, spending most of his time training in parts of the woods only Team 7 and Sasuke's many stalkers knew how to find. Ever since the day Shikamaru led that disastrous mission and just barely managed so snatch Sasuke back from them, he had become even more withdrawn. The story was passed around- the lone survivor of the Uchiha massacre, perpetrated by his very own brother, genius and pride of the clan. Shikamaru had never thought much of it- there were many people out there, wandering around for vengeance, consumed by their obsessions. But never before had he ever looked one in the eye.

Shikamaru noticed his mouth was open. He closed it hastily, slightly embarassed- but he could not break that gaze. It was intense, the way his eyes bored into yours- Shikamaru didn't know what to make of it, but after some time nodded slowly in greeting- and it was some time after when it was returned.

"Shikamaru!" Ino stormed over. "Chouji is stuffing himself and I can't control him! Shikamaru! What are you staring at!?" she demanded, turning to see for herself.

Shikamaru was, despite himself, highly amused- for at that moment he saw "_oh shit, not again" _spelled clearly across the Sasuke's face.

"SASUKE-KUN!"

There was much swarming and one-sided fawning and ignoring, and people went over to say their greetings- Naruto fumed, of course, because it was at that moment when he had decided to make the final heroic charge for five very large bowls of ramen, turning around to find that there were no witnesses to this grand deed. Kakashi hung back, clearly amused, and caught sight of just what Sasuke was staring at- that gaze, that stare, it never did break. He smiled cheerily and waved, walking over to him, and Shikamaru braced himself for a nother troublesome conversation- although admittedly he had never talked to Kakashi much before.

"Yo, Shika-kun."

"Ah- Kakashi-sensei!" Shikamaru jerked his gaze away from Sasuke's, finally breaking the tension.

Kakashi pulled himself a seat and settled comfortably, kicking back and pulling the trademark book from his pocket. "How's it going?"

"Well, ah... there's a lot of work to be done…" Why was he so nervous? How needlessly troublesome.

"Ah, the exams are just around the corner, aren't they?" Kakashi nodded knowingly.

"Yeah. Yeah, they are." The disability to think straight was rather new to Shikamaru, and he was not sure he liked it.

"You seem nervous, Shika-kun. Is something wrong?"

"No, it's nothing. "

"You saw Sasuke just now, didn't you?"

Shikamaru nodded. He sighed- leaned back into the chair and tried to settle back into his nonchalant self, watching dark clouds drift across the darker sky through the window. But that gaze, that stare- that look in his eyes, burned the image in his mind and he could see it, somewhere in the stars as the clouds drawled lazily past them, undaunted by the haunting gaze.

They fell into a silence, and Kakashi finished reading a few pages of_Icha Icha Paradise _before breaking it. "He's lost, now, even more than before."

"Eh?"

"I thought that maybe if he saw how worried we were, he might stop going after him. Stop chasing. But it only drove him further…"

"You're worried about him?"

Kakashi paused. He was not sure exactly why he had went to talk to Shikamaru, and not sure exactly why he said what he did. What he was sure of, however, was that he knew just what Shikamaru had seen- there was a deadly obsession, a single-minded determination, that lurked in Sasuke's gaze. He knew Naruto would never understand. He knew Sakura could never understand either- and that she had long since moved on, finally accepting her place and coming to her own understanding of the shinobi. But he also knew that for quite some time before Shikamaru had turned to see Sasuke- Sasuke was already looking at him. If anything, it would give Shikamaru an excuse…

"He was looking at you, before you saw him."

"How long was he there?"

"Quite long. You should ask him about it."

"What?"

"You don't want to know why he was staring at you for that long?" A single raised eyebrow was enough to carry the tone.

"No."

…_Hm. _Kakashi thought to himself. _Naruto, he is not. Perhaps I should've noticed that sooner. Mental note: Hit self on head._

"Why would I want to bother myself with someone was troublesome as Sasuke? He can stare if he wants to. It doesn't bother me." Shikamaru crossed his arms and leaned further back in the chair, tilting it slightly to get a better view of the sky, watching as the clouds shifted in the wind.

"I see." Well, he tried.

"I already have to deal with all these troublesome women…"

"All these troublesome _what?_"

Shikamaru snapped upright. Temari and Kankuro had just arrived, and Kankuro behind his sister shook his head slowly- with a wide grin. Temari had a hand on her fan- and was absolutely fuming. And Shikamaru _knew _he had incurred the wrath of a particularly wrathful woman.

"I'll see you later, Shika-kun!"

"Ah- Oy! Kakashi-sensei!"

---

What a troublesome night.

He walked home slowly, massaging a bruise on the side of his head- the doing of Temari's fan. After awhile people gave up gathering around Sasuke and the party settled back down, and after some talking people slowly dissipated in groups. Shikamaru left first and alone, dizzy from the hit and not too keen on getting on the wrong side of Temari's temper again. Chouji had offered to come with him, but Shikamaru had insisted that he stayed- it was clear that he wanted to spend time with his food, anyway.

_He was looking at you, before you saw him._

It bothered him.

Shikamaru came home and greeted his parents, dealt with their troublesome bickering, and made his way upstairs into his own room. He sat down on the familiar bed with a low, tired sigh. His room was a mess, and his mother would have a fit for it later, but it was far too troublesome to clear up anything now. The only thing that was neat in his room was the shogi board in the corner, neatly set up and waiting to be played- only there was no one to play with, now. Neji played the odd game with him, but... it wasn't the same.

He jumped- there they were again. Eyes that bore into his very soul. Did no one else notice? How could no one else see- they were all fawning over him, they had to have seen those eyes. Wherever he looked- he closed his eyes and they were still there, a lingering afterimage looming in the darkness.

_Great, _Shikamaru thought. _How am I going to get any sleep now? How troublesome._

He did his best to cast the memory aside, removing the chuunin vest and the baggy long-sleeved shirt he wore beneath and kicking back on the bed and doing his best to get some well deserved rest.

---

So it was another day of tiring paperwork, and nothing much happened.

Shikamaru had managed to ignore the image burned in his mind- for the most part.

It appeared when he was looking through applications of hopeful Konoha genin, when he greeted Iruka-sensei and Shikamaru ran into him while delivering messages, when he and Temari had taken a walk around the village during one of the only breaks of the day- she gave him a few haughty glares and seemed concerned for his head for approximately four seconds, troublesome woman. When he ran into Neji who offered a game of Shogi, but he refused. When he found Chouji and Ino looking for him trying to drag him away from work to relax a little, but he found he couldn't fully unwind even though they were doing their best. When he saw Naruto, as usual, shoving Ichiraku ramen down his throat, waving enthusiastically when he walked past. When he walked to the training fields, lay himself down and watched the sky, trying to ignore the image that lurked through the clouds. When he saw someone in the forest.

He tensed instinctively, years of shinobi training springing into action. He did not take his gaze off the sky but just out of the corner of his eyes tried to catch the figure in the woods- and it took him a few seconds to realize who it was, and he bolted upright- but Sasuke was no longer there.

His mind was ticking, working- he took stock of the clearing, his hand instinctively on the kunai all ninja kept dangling by their sides. But despite everything, when he thought all was clear and he turned around, he gasped in surprise to see Sasuke on the ground next to him, legs crossed and arms behind his head, a smirk on his face. They stared at each other but it was Sasuke who looked away this time, his gaze trailing to the sky.

Shikamaru continued to stare, his mouth dry. Was Sasuke stalking him? Why bother? It was awhile later when he collapsed to the floor with a heavy sigh. What had dragged him into such a troublesome matter?

Shikamaru cast his gaze to the sky, waiting for Sasuke to speak- something, anything, just something to acknowledge why he was there, but the words never came. Sasuke never particularly liked to talk- which suited Shikamaru just fine, he reflected, as Shikamaru never particularly liked to listen. And time passed as the clouds rolled by, drifting in the wind… _So free_, Shikamaru thought to himself, _But caught in the current… drifting. _He had always thought himself a cloud, a lazy songbird that drifted in the breeze, going where it took him. And he watched Sasuke, in the corner of his eye… _Then what are you, Sasuke? …What are you doing? _It was confusing- a puzzle, and one that he could not solve. And it bothered him, as much as he hated to admit it, as troublesome as it was.

And he watched the clouds, for awhile, and looked back- and Sasuke was gone, only an indent in the grass to show he was ever there. No tracks leading off. No trail of broken grass, no flick of tall stems among the others swaying slowly in the wind. Nothing. Shikamaru stood up and made his way through the woods, deciding that now would be a good time to go home and get some rest, wondering just what that unforgettable murderous glare was looking for in the sky.

A mere three minutes in the woods and he was winded- Shikamaru swore he heard bark crack behind his back as it slammed against the tree, one arm trapped between his body and the trunk. The grip against his neck was powerful, cold, slender, pale, pinning him down, his other arm pinned forcefully back, blood trickling down the back of his hand from the rough, scraping bark. And those eyes- murderous, dark, searching, yet mysteriously blank and still, staring into two twin pools of still, black water, a pond with a still surface but torrents and turmoils that lurked beneath. Shikamaru could feel the breath against his neck, warm, steady, calm, not panicked in the least. His instincts roared within his mind- _trapped, captured, escape- get out, get out, get out. _His legs twitched to kick at his captor but the only response was a tightening grip, his head forced back, shoulders slamming again against the tree- the body drew closer to his, pressing chest against chest, warm, sweaty- and it was then when the voices in his mind cried out. Earlier it was an attack- an enemy against a target, cold, calculated, distant- but now…

"Sa-Sasuke…" he managed to gasp- he felt dizzy, gasping, Sasuke's grip so tight around his slender neck- his vision began to swim and all he could see was black hair against black, the leaves and the shadows and vines of the forest a blur- and those eyes. "Sasuke… what… what are you doing?"

There was no reply, and Shikamaru did not expect one. But his mind was racing, his heart pumping, adrenaline coursing through his body- he wanted to strike back, retaliate, break free, but this was Sasuke- not really a friend, not even much of an acquaintance, but a shinobi, a comrade- but he realized, in the cold reality of those slender fingers scraping against his neck, he couldn't if he tried.

And in the tense silence and ravaging breaths, Sasuke pressed his arm against his so that their elbows met and his scraped painfully across the trunk- and Sasuke's fingers slipped between his, intertwined, quickly and hastily, no softness to it, nails buried painfully in the back of his hand and digging into his wrists. Shikamaru's eyes widened as Sasuke drew closer, slowly for awhile, and did not have time to protest or react- desperately he searched Sasuke's eyes, for some kind of hint of intention, but there was nothing as Sasuke's lips closed around his.

It was forceful, clumsy, harsh- nothing like kisses were supposed to be, as Shikamaru had heard Ino rail about times and times before. It was almost hungry, desperate, as though they had to convey everything Sasuke's eyes would not- and as ironic as it was, Shikamaru, so skilled at reading people under their words, could not read Sasuke's lips. He resisted, of course, but Sasuke was insistant- so needy, and Shikamaru thought, after all, it was troublesome to. And as soon as his own lips parted Sasuke wasted no time- he pressed even further, and even as Shikamaru's own eyes closed he knew Sasuke's never did- and he felt those fingers dig even deeper into his hand, felt the hand on his neck slowly loosen and trace around his face- it was wrong, so deeply wrong, so strange and perverse that if Shikamaru ahd not gained the ability to shamelessly ignore things and drift into nothingness in his mind, he would've thrown up. But there was something- something that bothered him, a voice that whispered, _then why aren't you fighting back?_

_Because I can't, _he would answer, _Sasuke would best me easily._

_Does it matter? _It would answer mockingly. _You could at least try- resist. _And when there was no reply, _Is it too troublesome? Or are you curious- painfully curious as to why? _

He was, he thought bitterly, in the strangest way. Maybe his past just has him twisted- perverse, wrong, painfully sick.

_Or do you like it?_

And as he was pinned against the tree, his body limp, Sasuke's tongue so hungrily devouring him and licking and tasting around his own limp tongue, he realized he didn't know.

_But how else could you be so relaxed?_

And he began to notice his own hand gripping Sasuke's his turn- a low gasp that rumbled his throat against Sasuke's mouth, his own head tilting slightly upward-

_How does that make you any less sick than he is?_

---

**NOTES: ****Oh my god, it ate my formatting. And I still don't have it quite as it used to be. Bah. School's starting up soon, but I should still be ablet o get the next chapter up in decent time... please R&R, and I apologize if it's poorly written or OOC.**

**A/N: 1/7/08- Updated for some typo fixes and a random bit at the start. I still think I missed some. **


	2. two: Capture

---

**two  
CAPTURE**

_you think that we connect  
that the chemistry's correct  
your words walk right through my ears  
presuming I like what I hear  
and now I'm stuck in the  
the web you're spinning  
you've got me for you prey _

_sorry I'm not home right now  
I'm walking into spiderwebs  
so leave a message  
and I'll call you back  
a likely story, but- leave a message  
and I'll call you back_

- Spiderwebs, No Doubt

---

And there passed another unremarkable day, but with highly remarkable memories running through his mind.

Shikamaru could not work, but not because it was troublesome, because he was lazy- but because he kept on feeling his back pressed against the bark, feeling it scrape against the skin of his arm until it bled, feeling cold fingers tracing against the skin of his cheek-

Kakashi. He had to find Kakashi.

It was not his first kiss. Sakura had once stolen a kiss from Naruto- and had Naruto following her around at her heels for weeks after (even ramen did not tempt him away, and that was something). And Ino, of course, in her fiery jealousy, would not remain behind Sakura for long, and out of the blue a day or two later grabbed him and kissed him.

Ino had said that it was actually quite a good kiss, though she made sure that Shikamaru wasn't to expect anything more. He wasn't about to- Ino was one of those particularly troublesome women. Shikamaru hadn't understood what was so incredible about kisses, and had decided that they were highly overrated. Even now as he tried to remember, tried to imagine Ino's gentle touch- all he could think about was him- those searching eyes, the ferocity with which he pinned him down, the way that tongue painted across his teeth with saliva-

Where the hell was Kakashi?

He had seen the copy-nin around at times. At various places, always reading that book. Roof tops. Street corners. Training fields. Where could he be?

"You're taking too long, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru looked up. Neji's blank eyes stared back, his brows knitted in something that could either be frustration or concern, from across the board. Shougi was a game of tactics and patience, but Shikamaru usually did not take very long.

"Ah. Sorry, Neji." Shikamaru removed his hands from that trademark circle of his, and examined the board. After a day of rushed paperwork and failure in finding Sharingan Kakashi, he had found Neji and he thought that a good game of shougi could get his mind off things. He was evidently wrong, and now he had more troublesome things to deal with. Shikamaru had found a friend in Neji, his intelligence coming the closest to being able to rival his- there was just times when talking to Chouji did not suffice, and thankfully Chouji knew his friend enough not to take offense. Neji was far from oblivious, and he would have been able to tell ages ago that Shikamaru was not himself. Shikamaru made his move.

Neji blinked at the board and calmly captured the piece. "There is something on your mind."

"It's nothing." It was a horrible lie. He made another move.

Neji blinked slowly again and made his own move. At this rate, he might actually win the game. Something was clearly wrong. "Is Ino competing with Sakura again?"

"Not Ino."

"Sasuke?"

Shikamaru stiffened, and Neji nodded slowly.

"It was rather hard to miss," he stated matter-of-factly, "At least for me. I'm sure no one else did. Perhaps the jounin. Maybe not Gai-sensei," he added in afterthought, and this earned him a smile. "The way you stared."

"Kakashi noticed. I need to find him."

"I believe Naruto won some ramen off him today. But excuse me, Shikamaru," Neji said smoothly, standing up from the board. "I mean no disrespect, but if your mind is not in the game, it is hardly worth playing. I have some training to do."

Shikamaru only watched as Neji took his leave, realizing how pathetic he must seem.

---

"Shikamaru!" Naruto waved excitedly after swallowing a mouthful of ramen. His enthusiastic movements nearly knocked over the stack of bowls nearby on the table- the grin across his face was unmistakable as he beamed. "Shikamaru! I got Kakashi to treat me to Ichiraku ramen! Ramen! Ramen!"

"Hoy, Naruto," Shikamaru replied good-naturedly- as well as he could, given his current, shaken mind. Kakashi was seated calmly next to him, raising his arm in salute, smiling with his one eye and offering an off-handed "Yo" in greeting.

"Kakashi-sensei thought I couldn't do it," Naruto said with a grin, "But I finished twenty missions today! And now I have ramen!"

"That's nice, Naruto-"

"A lot of the missions were boring- they were easy for an elite ninja like me! Ramen ramen ramen!"

"Naruto-"

"Do you want some ramen, Shikamaru? It's on Kakashi-sensei! Ichiraku makes the best ramen!"

"Naruto, I just wanted to talk to Kakashi-sensei."

"Hm?" Kakashi looked up from his book, cocking an eyebrow in curiousity. Naruto blinked for a moment, and then went back to devouring bowls of steamy hot ramen. "What is it, Shika-kun?"

"Ah…" he sighed, rolling his eyes back and scratching his head uncertainly. This was so troublesome. But… "It's about Sasuke."

Shikamaru noticed as Naruto froze, strands of ramen spilling out of his mouth. Kakashi's single exposed eye narrowed, but it creased quickly again into what everyone always assumed to be a cheerful smile and he patted Naruto on the back. "Alright, Shika-kun. I'll be back to pay soon, Naruto-kun," Kakashi added as he stood up, and instantly Naruto went back to devouring as much ramen as he possibly could to get as much out of the free meal as his stomach would allow.

"Shall we?" Kakashi said brightly, gesturing to the road, indicating that it'd be best to walk as they talked- and Shikamaru knew that they both agreed they did not want to be overheard.

Yet still they did not talk for awhile, walking in step, Kakashi merely reading his book in a calm, expectant silence, understanding that the chuunin would speak when he felt comfortable. Shikamaru put his hands in his pockets and grumbled to himself- just what had he gotten himself into? He'd just had to ask Kakashi-sensei- Sharingan Kakashi, the copy-nin of a thousand jutsu, respected ex-ANBU jounin and at times a shameless bastard- for help. Regarding something like_that_. He felt like a child sitting at the back of a sex-ed class, mind brimming with questions he was too embarassed to ask.

Kakashi coughed a little. "I understand you may need time, Shikamaru," he said, "But at this moment Naruto is trying his hardest to burn a hole in my pocket and making a shop owner very happy."

"Eh- Sorry, Kakashi-sensei. But…" Shikamaru faltered. This was not a battle. There was no battle plan. It was conversation. Troublesome as conversation always was, he always took it in stride- but right now, he felt he needed a plan, and cursed himself for not thinking it through earlier. _I can't tell him what happened! _He argued with himself desperately. _But then what? 'I'm sorry for bugging you, sensei, but nothing happened, I'll go home now?'_

"Hmm?" There was so much that could be read into that sound- especially for someone like Shikamaru. Kakashi had a _hmm_ for every damn situation.

"Sasuke. He- ah…"

"Hmm."

"He- what happened to him?" Apparently that was all he could manage. Great. This was probably the most troublesome thing he had ever willingly gotten himself into. So little benefit for so much effort. What was he doing?

"You've heard the stories, Shika-kun."

"But they're still stories," Shikamaru pressed. He winced when he heard his own voice- other people may not have noticed it, but he had, and he damn well knew Kakashi would. He sounded almost desperate. He was normally calm. Collected. Analytical. He was getting himself involved. "What really happened?"

"The stories are true, for the most part," Kakashi replied simply. He sensed the strangeness in Shikamaru's voice, the unease in his steps- he was holding back. Something had happened, Kakashi could gather that much. Something that Shikamaru wasn't quite willing to say. "His older brother was a true genius- but he turned and killed his entire clan, except his brother."

"Why?" no matter how many times he heard the story, Shikamaru always wondered. Why would someone kill their entire clan- and leave their younger brother alive to suffer?

"No one is sure." Kakashi lifted his gaze off the pages, searching the younger shinobi- but Shikamaru was intelligent enough to conceal what he did not want known, even if he was shaken.

Shikamaru knew what Sasuke was like when they were in the academy. But, then… "… and after we rescued him from the Sound."

"He withdrew."

"Why?" Why was such a troublesome question. It could be asked of anything. And more often than not, it had no answers. It was why he always hated it when other people asked it- brushed it off as troublesome and ignored it. Because he wasn't sure, he didn't know… and because he himself asked it, all the time.

"He didn't want to depend on us- didn't want to be rescued. What I think," Kakashi pointed out thoughtfully, "nothing more, is that he didn't want to be so pathetic that he had to depend on us to rescue him. That he had to depend on anyone else to get stronger- to kill Itachi."

And Shikamaru comtemplated this. As Sasuke's obsession so great that he would let Itachi consume his life to that degree? That nothing else mattered? So great was his need for it that as it lurked behind his eyes it had stayed with Shikamaru for days- but what did he had to do with him? Yesterday night… he didn't understand.

Kakashi broke the silence. "Now if you don't mind, Shika-kun… why?"

He didn't need to ask for clarification. Why was he asking all this? Why did he want to know? He didn't need to ask for it- because he already knew. It was the same question he was asking himself, all the time- and he didn't know. "It bothered me," he replied lazily, shrugging it off. "I had questions without answers, and they were troublesome."

"Ah." He was lying.

And they walked through the village, making their way back to Ichiraku's. It came to that point in their path when it was clear that one would be walking the other way, Kakashi merely waved in a cheerful farewell.

"Wait- Kakashi-sensei-"

"Hmm?"

"That night. The dinner." _He was looking at you, before you saw him. _"…do you know why?"

Kakashi blinked, and replied as he turned back to continue walking away, "I don't- but I asked you to ask Sasuke that, Shika-kun."

---

He was at the training field again.

To look at the clouds, he kept telling himself- it was always his favourite cloud-watching spot, apart from some of the roof-tops of Konoha- not to look for Sasuke. They'd get his mind off things- they'd help him think straight. Besides, it was late in the afternoon. The Academy students would be loose by now and nowhere in the village was safe from their nerve-racking din.

_Yeah, keep telling yourself that, _the voice in his head teased.

The grass was soft, comfortable, and a low, cool breeze rippled waves through the fields- it was a beautiful day, the kind that Shikamaru would find remarkably pleasant and would usually spend staring contentedly at the sky, if only he could get rid of the ghost of a taste in his mouth. The clouds drifted lazily overhead, oblivious to his troubles as they were to the world- scarcely caring of the wind and where it would take them next. He watched the shadow of a bird riding the wind, sweeping low over the trees and gliding with widespread wings- he watched the shadow of a hawk, it's cruel beak and hardened talons just visible to the shinobi's trained vision, as it rode the wind but flapped it's powerful wings- always going higher, higher, always searching for prey. And he thought of Sasuke.

And he waited. He watched the sky and he waited, and waited, but as the sun sank towards the horizon and painted the clouds with pale rose-light, nothing happened. Nothing came.

_What are you waiting for?_

And normally he would've stood up by now-stretched, sighed, taken a last lazy glance at the sky before slouching off home or to meet Chouji and Ino for a good meal. But today he stayed. He stayed and watched until the sun vanished under the distant mountains, until the red light faded from the clouds, until the sky grew dark and the clouds could hardly be seen and stars began to dot the darkness.

It was then when he sensed someone approaching. He tilted his head and squinted his eyes at the silhouette- his body tensing- but it did not take him long to recognize Chouji's familiar build and friendly waving, and the tell-tale sound of crunching chips. Chouji sat down next to him, munching hungrily- and jabbed Shikamaru in the side.

"There you are, Shikamaru," Chouji said. "We were wondering. Ino and I."

"Sorry, Chouji," he muttered, still distracted- his eyes scanning the forest fringe, searching.

"We were going to eat at that buffet," Chouji pointed out inbetween his mouthfuls.

"I lost track of time."

Chouji frowned, watching his friend, falling into silence. He knew Shikamaru well enough- he liked the silence, appreciated it the way many couldn't. _Yare yare… mendokusee, _Chouji thought to himself, _was Shikamaru in a nutshell. _Every day Shikamaru would wake up in his bed and getting up was troublesome, working was troublesome, eating was troublesome- the day was troublesom. Whenever Shikamaru did something, Chouji knew, it was because he had to. Something was wrong. Neji was right.

But Chouji also knew that if Shikamaru wanted to tell him about it, he would have- a long time ago. He would've been complaining and groaning about how troublesome it was. But here they were, in there was silence.

"We should go back, Shikamaru," Chouji said, standing up. "It's too late for the buffet but we could always get some late dinner," he grinned cheerily.

Shikamaru looked up at his friend's cheerful, beaming face, and smiled, standing up and stretching. "Hai, hai… I'm hungry myself."

"Don't you get a break from your chuunin duties, tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you train with us?" Chouji suggested. "Ever since Sakura-san's dinner some of us have wanted to catch up- we've been training together."

Training. Getting stronger. Shikamaru knew why he trained… but Sasuke… he cast it aside. He needn't care about the troublesome jounin, Sasuke having been the other among them who had advanced beyond chuunin, and he shouldn't. "Sure, but lets go get some food first. But…"

Chouji looked at his friend questioningly.

"Training's troublesome," Shikamaru sighed.

Chouji laughed.

And as they walked off, someone watched- hidden, unnoticed in the shadows of a tree, following them until they vanished into the village, sinking back into the trees.

_What were you waiting for?_

---

"Yatta! We did it, Akamaru!" Kiba said victoriously. Beneath him the gigantic dog gave a low growl of agreement. Kiba held a piece of red cloth in his hand, grinning tirumphantly at it. "We finally found it! Now all we have to do is get back. Lets go, Akamaru!"

A pause.

"…Akamaru?"

Kiba frowned and glanced down at his furry companion. His eyes widened- the shadow… "… Kagemane?" he whispered.

"Yo, Kiba."

Kiba turned around to see Shikamaru crouched in the trees, grinning boldly. Instinctively he leapt off his dog onto the floor- only to be ensnared by the same jutsu a second or so later. He growled at his own stupidity.

"I'll take this," Naruto said cheerily, popping up from the nearby forest and retrieving the hard-won red cloth.

"It took me a long time to find that!" Kiba protested, though with a wide grin on his face.

"We said Naruto would hide it, but I did," Shikamaru smirked. "You tracked the wrong scent, didn't you?"

"You're the same as always, Shikamaru," Kiba laughed.

"Yeah, go Shikamaru!" Naruto agreed, grinning and tackling Shikamaru in glee.

Shikamaru allowed himself to be bowled over, laughing. So far, so good. They had turned up- he, Chouji, Naruto, Neji, Kiba, Shino, Tenten and Lee, and they trained, and they sparred- but after awhile Naruto and Kiba got into abit of a contest, and soon enough they were split into teams of four for a rousing game of capture the flag. He kept on thinking that it was a very good distraction. It was- effective training, and yet enjoyable. He didn't have to think about anything else. No, not at all.

"So I'll go to the prison, then," Kiba said pointedly, still trapped by Kagemane. Any of them who were 'captured', it was agreed, would go to a designated prison on the capturing team's side- to be freed by team mates, of course.

"You won't need to!" Naruto said boldly, leaping upright, the bundle of enthusiastic energy as he always was.

"Why not?"

He needn't have asked- as moments later Neji appeared in the clearing, pursued by Tenten and Lee. He came to a grinding halt and held up the blue flag in his hand, a triumphant smirk on his features. There was a pause, and Naruto yelled in victory and practically ran in circles. Lee, of course, was waxing poetic about his melodramatic loss and how he would one day vanquish his rival, and Tenten was trying to poke him into calming down. Shikamaru released the jutsu on Kiba and congratulations were shared around. Shino appeared soon after, pushing his sunglasses further up his nose, and looked pointedly at Kiba. The Inuzuka stood up and offered the opposing team captain a handshake, and Shikamaru took it.

"A good run," Shikamaru said, grinning as the sweat trickled down the sides of his face.

"One more round?" Kiba suggested.

Shikamaru looked around at his team- Naruto as bouncing up and down, and Chouji, who had just stumbled in munching on his chips, gave him a thumbs up. Neji gave him a small nod, and Shikamaru grinned. "One more round."

---

Naruto with his speed and strength worked very well for defending- and the team silently agreed that his noisiness would hardly help the offense. Neji had pointed out that while Chouji's powerful attacks helped them on the attacking front, they would be much more efficient if Shikamaru came instead- his disabling skills would allow them to achieve the same effect without going through the trouble of a fight. Byakugan was, of course, invaluable.

"Byakugan!"

Shikamaru watched as Neji scanned the area around them. They could not, obviously, make an attempt on the flag until they found it. They had traps set up the last time, Neji had said, and they fell into one accidentally, costing them time. They'd hve to be more careful now.

The veins that popped out across Neji's face and brows were intimidating- the gaze cold and intense, Shikamaru observed quietly. But not nearly as hate-laden as-

Neji shook his head. "Not on the east side. I'm going to try the west."

"I'll run through and check," Shikamaru offered. Neji nodded- the Byakugan was not perfect and missed things, sometimes.

"Careful. I saw something moving there." Shikamaru nodded and vanished into the woods- just to double check, Neji cast his gaze eastward again. And there it was again- that figure in the trees…_Wait, _he frowned- this wasn't the same figure he saw just now. _Is that…?_

---

Whatever doubts Neji had, Shikamaru already wasn't around to notice. He leapt quietly from tree to tree, watching for small details the byakugan might have missed. The flag was supposed to be in plain sight, so he didn't check that thoroughly, but he made sure to watch for traps. Neji had said he had seen people over here. It was logical that the defending team would only stay around their flag so as to best defend it- spreading out too much could after all enable their opponent to simply swoop in and out with the prize without so much as a hitch. But after one round, they may have realized what a powerful weapon Neji's byakugan was- they could have feasibly set up traps to defend their flag and have their defenders move around the forest instead. It wasn't easy for Neji to pick up the flag alone- how they found it the last time, he had said, was by finding their defenders gaurding over it.

All things considered, it was best to check… _Where is that flag?_He grumbled inwardly. _Searching is troublesome. I just had to wait for them to come to me last time. _

Something moved thorugh the foliage behind him- he spun around, cautious. He waited, perfectly still, but as nothing happaned again, he progressed on- his muscles tensed and ready to react to the slightest hint of an enemy attack.

There it was again- he spun around again, frowning. There was no tell-tale glint of metal through the trees, no shine of Tenten's weapon strings threaded through the foliage- he would have worried about Shino's bugs, but he had decided that they would have realized he was far more valuable in tracking down the opponent's flag alongside Kiba. But he saw something rush through the treees- around him, past him, the jangle of metal. He turned- and stopped, dead in his tracks.

Sasuke stood infront of him, his eyes boring into his. Shikamaru swallowed, sweat trickling down his skin- was he going to do that again? Here? Now? Every instinct told Shikamaru to run, but he simply couldn't tear his eyes way. Kagemane? No, what could would binding Sasuke's movements to his do in a situation like this!? He was sure Sasuke was strong enough to break out of it, anyway. Why was he here? What was he doing? Why? Sasuke merely stared, smirking softly, finally allowing something to pass over his features and empty, hate-laden eyes- amusement, it seemed, and a searching interest.

"Shikamaru!" Shikamaru heard Neji's voice- merely glanced backward for a second, looked back, and Sasuke was gone- gone, and had left a blue cloth where he used to be. Eyeing it distantly, he picked it up.

"You have one? It didn't trigger anything?" Neji asked as he suddenly appeared through the trees.

"What?" Shikamaru managed to ask, trying to snap out of it.

_He's stalking me. He's after me. Is he trying to kill me or something? Do I have something he wants? _

"They laid down- a fake flag. Triggered a trap. They're after me now."

"Fake flags?" he echoed, trying to sound thoughtful, but mostly trying to give his mind time to process information.

_Maybe you should go find him._

"Yes. They're after me," Neji repeated- frowned. There was something wrong again. That figure he had seen before… was it really-?

_I can't go find him! He's after me! If he wanted something normal or nice from he could have just asked- but-_

"We don't know if this one is real," Shikamaru muttered.

_You're just afraid of asking. Why? Afraid he'll kiss you again?_

"It doesn't matter. We should run."

"Lets go!" Shikamaru turned, allowing panic and alarm to seep into his voice- he could hear pursuers in the distance, and he began to run without waiting for Neji's reply.

_Afraid he'll pin you down again- slam you against a wall? Afraid of the way his fingers drew blood, the way his tongue searched your mouth?_

He ran faster, trying desperately to ignore what was running through his mind. He could be running the wrong way. Or into a trap. The game was the last thing on his mind-

_Afraid of the warm, ragged breath against your neck? Afraid of the feel of his sweat-stained clothes as he pressed against your chest?_

He could sense Neji behind him, and he just ran.

_Afraid you won't push him away?_

What the hell was wrong with him?

_Just like the last time-_

He ran faster-

_Afraid you won't want to?_

---

Kakashi added one more name to his rounds.

Konoha was a hidden village- a ninja village. That was their purpose, something they all knew and accepted. They led dangerous lives, more often than not short. None knew that better than the jounin. Not the newer jounin either- the older ones, who had been on their dangerous missions- who had seen friends go. And the ones who knew the most out of the jounin were the ANBU. And Kakashi had been one.

Kakashi knew more than most of the ANBU, infact. Many of them had dealt with their trials as a Jounin and joined the ANBU, thinking they were ready. Many of them had collapsed. Many had failed. But Kakashi had already lost all his precious people when he was younger- he understood the loss, and he knew how to defend it. To never have precious people again.

His students did not know enough about him to know how his mind worked. He was afraid to call them friends, would not call them acquaintances, so he fell back to the relationship of student and mentor. Many of his students would call him a friend, if given the chance- and Kakashi didn't know how to deal with that. He had them call him sensei, instead.

The other jounin knew of his plight. They were also acquaintances- not really friends. They did like him. He did like them. But they never really hung out or anything- they did, but Kakashi never joined them. They never asked. It was understood. They knew why.

The third had berated him for it. Tsunade did, as well. Sandaime had said that he needed to open himself up again eventually- that all shinobi needed their precious people to defend. It reminded him of Yondaime- of what he used to say to him and Obito and Rin…

He shook his head out of it, peering into Naruto's window. He slept soundly, limbs sprawled across the bed, an empty instant ramen paper bowl on the nighstand, chopsticks still in his fingers. Satisfied, he continued on his way.

He even went to check on Asuma- though he saw Kurenai there and decided he would not stay for very long. He saw Genma as well, and Raido. Somehow even Gai made his list. He was not sure why he checked on these people. It was difficult, and he struggled with himself, whether or not to call them friends.

Genma had seen him, and for a moment they had both seen each other. Genma had merely nodded quietly and continued sucking his senbon, going back to his daily business. It was understood.

It was something all jounin- and sometimes other shinobi- did, and something they never spoke of. It was an unmistable urge to go out and check on their loved ones- just to make sure they were still breathing. They were still alive.

Sakura was fine. Iruka was fine. He went by Sasuke's window, as he usually did- and as usual he wasn't there. He checked by Sasuke's usual training haunts- but he was never there. Sasuke kept on relocating. He never wanted to be found.

Naruto and Sakura called him sensei, but Sasuke never did. Kakashi knew that at first it was nothing but his defiance- his downright stubborn hatred of authority. But after awhile, he thought it might have been something different. There as once, when Kakashi was making his rounds, when Sasuke saw him. He was busy thinking up excuses of the inevitable question- but it never came. Sasuke merely nodded sullenly and walked away. And he had wondered to himself if Sasuke made these rounds, too- and it reminded Kakashi that Sasuke, too, had already lost all his precious people. That it was why he pushed Naruto and Sakura away- why he pushed everyone away.

Kakashi had allowed himself to worry more about that student than he should.

There was something he saw in Sasuke now that worried him- something that almost frightened him. That obsession and need for vengeance that burned in his eyes, that one-minded desire to find and kill. He needed to be saved from it. Somehow.

Kakashi peered through the window- and saw Shikamaru, sleeping lazily on his bed, the name that was added to his list to check. He had a soft spot for the all the shinobi that were genin alongside his own team, but he had never found the need to check on them. But Sasuke saw something he was interested in in this boy- this lazy genius that beat _him _at shougi nearly all of the damn time- and Kaksahi didn't know why. But Kakashi knew, given Sasuke's current mental state- that it couldn't be good.

---

**NOTES:I don't know about you people, but school starts tomorrow for me. It'll be awhile yet before I update.**

**Wow gee, imagine my surprise when I see emails about +favs within an hour or two of me putting it up.**

**Thanks to: _I've Got the Curse of Curves, xXInu-SamaXx_, and_Tatealya _and _Killer Asian on the Loose _for your reviews! D**

**My stories always tend to be abit on the dark side. nn;**

**Thanks for reading, and please leave a review! Let me know what you think!**

**A/N: Also updated. **


	3. three: Obsession

---

**three.  
OBSESSION**

_I got my head- but my head is unraveling  
can't keep control- can't keep track of where it's traveling  
I got my heart, but my heart is no good  
And you're the only one thats understood_

_I come along but I dont know where youre taking me  
I shouldn't go but youre reaching back and shaking me  
Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky_

_The more I give to you, the more I die_

- The Perfect Drug, Nine Inch Nails**  
**

---

And Shikamaru was sure that he was losing his mind.

It was all he could think about. _He _was all he could think about. Shikamaru was smart, and he knew people well- and one person he knew well was definitely himself. And he knew that he was lazy. He knew he found the world troublesome.

He knew that if he ever did care about something, that it would be important.

It was constantly on his mind. Sasuke's face was there, hovering before his eyes, when he worked with the chuunin, when he met up with Temari to confirm arrangements for the examinations with Suna, when he played a game with Neji, when he trained with the others- and as he tried to sleep, staring determinedly at the ceiling or out the window to gaze at the sky, before he eventually surrendered to the darkness and his tired body- it was always Sasuke that he saw, always Sasuke he felt pressing against his neck, Sasuke he felt scraping at his hands.

There was something wrong with him.

It had been four days since he had seen Sasuke in the depths of the forest during their harmless game of capture the flag. Five days since he went to Kakashi for help- since he waited in the field for nothing to come. Six days since the night when Sasuke fucking _molested_ him. Seven days since their eyes met from across the room.

One week. One _fucking _week was all it took for him to become_ obsessed._

Shikamaru was mighty pissed at himself.

In the four days of Sasuke-less troublesome work and socializing and slacking, he had thought that since Sasuke had finally decided to leave him alone, his life could go back to normal- and he was very wrong. He spent days inbetween his troublesome tasks staring into shadowy corners and back-stepping to check every alley he passed by, looking over his shoulder- anyone who noticed would pass it off as the simple weariness of a careful shinobi, but Shikamaru knew, he was waiting for something- for someone. His evenings were spent with quiet meals and half-hearted conversation before trudging off to the same training field he had been six days before, to stare and wait and waste his time away waiting for something that never came.

Shikamaru was mighty pissed at Sasuke, too.

That voice at the back of his mind hadn't spoken up in four days- but Shikamaru almost felt like it's silence was smug, triumphant, like if his conscience had a face it would be decorated with a victorious _I told you so _smirk.

You could just nearly _rape _some guy, stalk him for awhile, and then vanish off the face of the Earth! You had to give him something. Anything. As long as it was _something_.

If he had been anyone else, he would've been worried that it was a guy he'd been molested by. But he was honest with himself. He always found all women- _all _women- troublesome, and the only reason why Ino divulged her gossip to him was- okay, part of it was because Ino would gossip with anything, but the other part was because he actually agreed with her (to a certain degree) whenever she went on and on of how Naruto was sometimes annoyingly endearing, how Lee was sweet- if melodramatic, how Neji's hair was more_ perfect _than many of their own, how Sasuke was just so damn good-looking. So he was gay. He wasn't surprised.

So Sasuke was gay. He wasn't surprised either. The guy had girls falling all over him and wouldn't bat an eyelid. He was obsessed with a man- okay, admittedly for other reasons- but the only person he'd ever let remotely close to him was Naruto, in their bizarre love-hate friendship-rivalry and heated competition. Apart from Shikamaru himself, of course…

Such went his train of thought, followed swiftly by _Kuso! What the hell are you thinking?_

He needed help. He needed advice. Who could he go to? He wasn't about to go to Kakashi, a fat lot of help that did last time. Naruto was out of the question. Neji would know too much. Chouji wouldn't know what he was talking about. He silently cursed Asuma (and only realized later that may have been one of the few times he thought of the man without falling into depression), and went towards his only remaining option.

---

"Can I talk to you?"

Ino blinked. She looked up from the flowers she was caring for, having helped out her family at the shop today, making sure that it was, infact, Shikamaru that stood before her. And it was the same old Shikamaru- he looked uncomfortable and somewhat annoyed… but something must be wrong. Shikamaru never _asked _to talk to anyone. Half of the time when Ino went to talk to him he'd listen for awhile and drift off into sleep grumbling about troublesome women and their troublesome talk.

Shikamaru knew what Ino was thinking, and sighed. He didn't have time for this. How troublesome… "Can I or not?"

"Sure, Shikamaru," she replied, adjusting the blossoms slightly. And in the silence that followed, she turned towards him and quirked her eyebrow questioningly. _Well, talk already!_ Stupid Shikamaru.

Shikamaru frowned. He wasn't about to talk about it here. In public. In a _flower shop_. He'd hoped they could go to the roof of one of the nearby buildings or something. "It's… ah…"

Ino tapped her foot, clearly losing her patience.

And Shikamaru sighed in mock defeat, knowing there was just one way to hold her interest now. "It's… this girl."

Her eyes widened and he swore he could see them shining, almost see the excitement starting to coil up in her body ready to explode, and sure enough not five minutes later they were at one of Shikamaru's favourite hang-outs for cloudwatching, Ino having miraculously managed to dodge shop duty for a substantial ammount of time ("Anything for a friend," Ino said).

Shikamaru settled down on his usual seat- concrete that jutted from the roof, the perfect bench, within the shade and hidden from undesirable glare, staring at the sky. Ino sat down next to him and stared at him expectantly. She coughed.

_Yare yare… why Ino? _He sighed. _How troublesome… _and he paused, trying to find he right words.

Ino jabbed him in the side. "Well?"

"Alright alright, just wait a bit!" he said irritably, brushing her hand off. "You aren't to repeat this to anyone."

"Okay."

"Not anyone."

"Okay."

"Not Sakura."

"Okay."

"No one."

"Okay!"

Shikamaru tried to keep himself from grinning, and he could practically sense Ino hanging on to his every word now- he could afford to take some time to think. He had worked her up into thinking this was some pretty serious gossip (which if he told the truth, it probably was), and she wasn't going to let it go.

"So this girl…" Shikamaru began, pausing. How was he going to lie about this in a way that he could get advice that was actually helpful? "She likes me." …what? That wasn't right!

"Really? Who!?" Ino was up in Shikamaru's face- and he had to shift away and glare at her. That she took as the glare of a confused love-struck boy who had found it very difficult to come out and talk to anyone about it- oh, and that he had chosen _her _to talk to! Shikamaru was a fine friend after all.

"I'm not giving you any names!" he said testily. _Okay. You can still salvage this. _"She was following me around. A lot."

"Oh, the shy type, is she?" Ino said thoughtfully, finger on her lips in speculation. Shy girl- Hinata? She was getting over Naruto- slowly, slowly, there was no way she was going to let such a long time crush drop that quickly, and she had always thought that the Hyuuga seemed to be hanging out with Kiba more than ever anyway.

"Ino. Ino!"

It then occurred to her that there were many genin girls that she had yet to acquaint herself properly with as their senior (they were all chuunin now after all), and smiled to herself. How sweet!

"Oy, Ino!" Shikamaru waved his hand infront of the blonde's face repeatedly. One moment trying to get her to back off, the other trying to make her pay attention. If he didn't know her so well, he would've given up long ago. "Are you going to help me or am I going to have to go talk to Sakura?"

"Hey!"

"Yeah. Right. She was following me around… and I noticed after awhile. And then she stopped." _Baka! You sound like a moron!_

"And… the problem… is?" Ino hadn't expected that. Maybe a_ how do I let her down nicely _question or a _I need to let her know to back off a little and actually talk to me first_ one.

"She stopped!" He repeated. As stupid as it sounded, it kind of_ was_ the problem, after all, and the only angle he could think of tackling this from was the_I'm-just-a-boy-and-I-am-very-helpless-and-frustrated-in-these-situations-with-girls, get-it?_ one.

"That's a problem?"

"Yes it is!"

"I thought you wanted her to stop stalking you?"

"Well- Yes- But-"

"Do you like her?"

"What!?" _Oh, damn, Ino was troublesome…_

Ino grinned triumphantly. "You do, don't you?"

"No!" Shikamaru practically yelled- Ino, while amused, was slightly taken aback, as Shikamaru wasn't exactly the kind to get so worked up about anything. "But you don't just kiss a guy and-"

"You kissed!?" Her voice was shrill now, and Shikamaru glared and tried to make her quieten down- okay, calm down, calm down…

"It was not a _kiss_," he grumbled, "It was more like being molested-"

"What!?"

"Oh shut up!" Shikamaru cried out. Why did he say that? He paused- realized just how worked up he was and that it was probably the reason he was slipping up so much, crossed his arms and sat cross-legged and refused to speak any further.

Ino blinked and jabbed him.

And Shikamaru didn't respond.

Ino jabbed him again. "Oy, Shikamaru-"

"If you're going to scream like that, I'm not telling you anything," Shikamaru replied simply, opening one eye to watch her lazily. "I'll just go tell Sakura later."

"Don't be like that, Shikamaruu!"

"Ino, I asked you for help!" he sighed, frustrated. "And I really do want help! You're my friend. Are you going to help me or not?" And that was true.

The blonde kunoichi paused. Shikamaru _was _her friend… she sighed thoughtfully. That was still a horrible situation to be in, to be sure.

"So what _is _your problem?"

_Troublesome women, _Shikamaru thought to himself. But he realized that, really, he understood the troublesome women more than those ever-so-troublesome men. He only looked at her and raised an eyebrow, as if to say, _that IS the problem, baka._

"So she molested you," she said with a teasing air despite herself- before settling down again, "And then left you alone."

"Yeah."

"And you aren't happy with it."

"Yeah."

Ino thought that if she ever found this girl she would congratulate her for her boldness. Find the target, lock on, swoop in, swoop out- wait to be missed. Worked like a charm. "And you like her-"

"No."

"But you've been bothered by her absence for that long…"

"Yes."

"Until you were driven to ask me for help.."

"Yes."

"...even though she was already gone."

"Yes."

"…you like her, Shikamaru."

"_No_," Shikamaru insisted stubbornly.

Ino sighed. This wasn't quite like him- this girl must really be getting on his nerves… oh, he must really like her! She surpressed a giggle. Shikamaru could be so sweet. And he _was _a good kisser… it was a lucky girl, whoever she was! "Either way, I can advise you on what to do."

"What?" At last. Through all those troublesome minutes and all that troublesome arguing-

"Talk to her."

"What?" Talk to her? To Sasuke? No, Sasuke was not a her! …this wasn't making any sense!

"Talk. To. Her." She poked Shikamaru playfully in the forehead, standing up. "I have to go back down to the shop, but either way, she stalked you for that long and then left- either she likes you or she used you, and either way you need to get some talking done!"

Shikamaru blinked and stared after her. She turned around and added, with a small wink, "I don't know why you just won't admit you like her!"

"…it's not her," Shikamaru muttered finally, a defeated tone to his voice. He should've told Ino sooner, really. She _was _a friend. …there was no way he was giving her a name.

"What?"

"It's not _a_ her," he clarified slowly.

"...eh?"

"…it's a guy."

Shikamaru stood up and walked past her towards the stairs as Ino merely blinked and gaped, saying pointedly as he walked past, "_That's_why."

Ino watched as Shikamaru vanished into the labyrinth of Konoha streets. _A guy? _Ino thought, bewildered. _Shikamaru was fighting off a gay stalker? …Shikamaru was gay!? _She caught herself in her surprised gasp, and paused, reconsidering, and walked clamly towards the flower shop. _Not much of a surprise, _she thought smugly.

---

_Talk to her._

Shikamaru couldn't go up and talk to her! …him! …damnit, Ino. Even he was getting confused now.

But he couldn't go up and talk to Sasuke. What was there to say?_Why the hell did you rape me, you fucking emo bastard? _

And he sure as hell did not like him.

No.

…No.

---

The night was spent mostly sleepless, staring at the ceiling, flipping and turning in bed and denying and thinking and trying to work things out- at least half was spent sitting, his fingers in a circle, trying to make sense of his thoughts, and the rest in restless sleep- and spaces inbetween glancing out the window, wearily watching for a silhouette that never was there.

Kakashi flicked idly through the pages of _Icha Icha Paradise Volume 8_. If not for the fact that he had read it so many times before, knew most of the lines by heart- he would have never done this in public (let alone outside the Academy full of little bouncing genin-to-be)- the pictures and scenes leapt from the page, wild imagery that danced through his mind til he could almost feel the touches across his own body- not that they didn't anymore. They did. He was ued to it now.

The copy-nin watched through an amused eye as the young students mercilessly attacked their flustered sensei with countless questions and flying tackles. They were vicious things, academy students- it was impossible to fight them off without harming them. The students themselves, of course, had no such limitation. He smiled- the way he did, with his eye- it was always fun watching Iruka drown helplessly in a sea of overactive children. And sometimes even more un to watch him release the his temper and snap them back into line within a few seconds.

But he was here for other reasons. He was waiting patiently for Shikamaru.

There was maybe a week or two to go to the examinations and the chuunin (as well as the few jounin involved) were everywhere- it was an effort to set everything in advance, so they could then settle diplomatic matters and nobles without the hassle of worrying about the actual organizing of the exam itself or the exam applications. Shikamaru spent a lot of time holed up in a room rooting tiredly through paperwork (of course he spent most of that time staring out the window) but he spent just as much time running back and forth between various places, delivering messages and summons and occasionally talking with Temari to confirm some details about the Sand's participation. He was currently somewhere in the academy, probably to ask for reports about some of the genin entered this year- they had to check through everything to make sure they qualified. Students died in these trials, and it was no playing matter.

How did he know this? He had followed Shikamaru, of course. Stalked him, practically.

He had seen Shikamaru walking down from a roof with a painfully annoyed expression on his face, followed sometime after when Ino came down herself and went back to attend to the family business. Seeing Shikamaru again, he wondered to himself, just what Sasuke was thinking.

So, naturally, he followed him.

That was yesterday and Kakashi had not been able to notice anything unremarkable in the young chuunin. He was a genius in terms of logic and reasoning, anyone knew that, but Shikamaru hardly showed it in his day-to-day life. Talent shinobi-wise, however, was not completely absent, but wasn't really anything that someone like Sasuke would care about. He treated the world and the people in it with a somewhat carefree attitude, finding everything troublesome and yet not really pushing anything away. He was lazy. Enjoyed watching clouds.

At certain times Shikamaru seemed troubled by something, but Kakashi couldn't tell if he was just being annoyed at the world as he usually was.

He didn't seem to care about many things- Kakashi frowned. He wasn't sure if it was just a front.

The fact that Kakashi wasn't sure if Shikamaru was merely playing or not was a testament to Shikamaru's abilities in reading people.

It was then that it occurred to him for the first time that pondering about students and their motivations for behaviors may have been a somewhat inappropiate thing to do while reading very graphic (and very well written) porn.

"…Kakashi-sensei?"

Shikamaru blinked. The jounin looked up from his book and raised his arm in an acknolwedging salute. But Shikamaru had sworn he'd seen Kakashi hanging around the chuunin office earlier- he wasn't there when he doubled back, but he had been quite certain. The shock of silver hair that stuck out at every possible angle, mask, and the bright-orange unshamefully pornographic book he carried everywhere- unmistakable, even if for a moment.

Whatever it was, he was here now.

He managed to get the papers they were looking for, but it was alright to delay returning for a little while. He could just say he was held up- it was quite often that searching for the records took more than a few minutes.

"Are you following me around because of Sasuke?"

The question was simple, direct- and Kakashi had to say he was caught off guard. He looked up to see Shikamaru with the eyes of someone knew _exactly _what they just said and just what it would entail- and wordlessly he walked off to a somewhat more secluded street, and Shikamaru followed.

"Yes," Kakashi replied simply, leaning against the trunk of a nearby tree.

Shikamaru sat down on a nearby bench. Kakashi was a strange character- one of those people he couldn't read. Eccentric, unpredictable- unstable, as all jounin were. While he didn't seem to actively avoid people, he just seemed so distant, most of the time- and Kakashi got his kicks from teasing people or doing unexpected things and watching for reactions. Shikamaru wondered if this was one of those things.

Kakashi could see Shikamaru out of the corner of his eye, the younger shinobi studying him intently- Shikamaru had made no secret of his analyzing- Kakashi would notice even if it was well-disguised. There was just no hiding things from skilled ninja. Kakashi's expression was blank, as always, and he assumed that Shikamaru realized this- and he was somewhat baffled by what the chuunin would be studying, then. It was just before Shikamaru spoke that he realized he was probably just thinking and putting two and two together-

"…Because you're worried that Sasuke might be more harm that anything," Shikamaru muttered with a frown, sorting through the strands of thought in his mind. "And also… because you don't know what he sees in me."

"Hmm," Kakashi said with an unecessarily cheery tone to his voice, closing his eye in that cheerful exaggerated smile of his (there was no other way for people to tell he was smiling). Shikamaru didn't take long at all. Kakashi was impressed. "Right, Shika-kun."

Shikamaru waited, frowning lightly as he studied Kakashi's face for any hint of expression- of which it was devoid, save for the occasional movement of the eyebrow. He wondered if Kakashi was still that difficult to read without the mask on.

They both paused- and listened to the silence. Most people knew that there was an art to reading beneath the words that people said, to reading their body language and their tone of voice- but lesser known was the fact that silences could sometimes be the most telling. How long it was held, who breaks it, just the feel of the tension in the air that silence brings- intepreting silence was a great skill on it's own. And Kakashi took the quiet, expectant silence and knew that Shikamaru was simply waiting for elaboration.

If it was anyone else he might have been able to say something like_You want me to elaborate, don't you? _Just to watch the response, but he knew with Shikamaru ti was a waste of time.

"Sasuke-kun has always been notoriously… _stingy_, with his attention," Kakashi remarked off-handedly- watching Shikamaru carefully. "Sakura and other girls throwing themselves at him, and he didn't pay any heed- Naruto who made it his goal to beat him, and even in their friendship and rivalry Sasuke did not pay him much attention.

"With his current mental state, I was afraid that if he was showing_any_ form of interest in anyone… it would be harmful, more than anything.

"If he was interested in you, there had to be a reason. And if I knew the reason, maybe I could tell if it was safe or not- but I'm afraid I don't see any reason, Shika-kun."

Shikamaru took it in easily- they were mostly along the lines of his thoughts, questions he had asked himself. He didn't like the way Kakashi emphasized _any_ form of interest- it was almost as if he knew, or was prying to confirm a suspicion- but his face mantained a blank, distantly interested expression. He wasn't entirely sure why it seemed that keeping his actual reactions hidden from the jounin would be to his benefit, but it was clear that Kakashi was holding back information as well- and that was something to be noted.

"…his current mental state, Kakashi-sensei?" He allowed his brows to knit into a frown. Two possible outcomes- one, Kakashi would take it that he was reacting as any normal student would in this situation and pick out the most ambigous of all the clues he had dropped, two- the more likely- Kakashi would come to a further realization that Shikamaru was more than capable of faking his way around.

The second, of course, was what happened.

Kakashi watched the student- significantly impressed. _So this is what you've always gone on about, Asuma… I've only ever seen him use his brain in board games. _He straightened himself and smiled- _Could that analytical nature be what Sasuke sees?- _turning to leave.

"Revenge is a tragic obsession, Shika-kun," was all he said.

---

This was the last thing he needed.

Shikamaru stared through the branches and forest foliage- he had decided to go into the forest for awhile. He enjoyed watching clouds, but really he liked watching anything with that similar quality to it- he loved watching water trickling down streams, the spots of shifting light and shadow on the forest floor… there was a small waterfall he knew of, a peaceful sight, and he had come by to spend time watching the water and the shadows and listen to the roar of the river as it cascaded over the drop, splashing into the pool below. He came here, to get away from things.

There were shuriken and kunai embedded in the trees, and some of them were clearly scorched. A sweat-stained shirt lay across a rock, forgotten, removed for relief from heat and ease in training. Sasuke stood in the clearing, kunai in hand, taking deep, slow breaths, sweat trickling down his bare skin, plastering his soft black hair to his head.

As Shikamaru noted, he was very, very shirtless.

He had been watching for hours now- somehow, it was far more captivating than the clouds had ever been. The way that well-built chest heaved with every breath, the way those muscles rippled beneath the skin- the way Sasuke's movements were so fluid yet so strong, how they seemed to complement the roar of the nearby waterfall, a deadly dance of beauty and fatal grace-

Oh dear God, he _was _obsessed.

Talk to him. _Talk _to him? _Damnit, Ino, _he cursed inwardly, eyes tracing those well-muscled arms, _He never says anything. All he does is smirk. And I never know why._

Sasuke was thin but cut, not like those bodybuilder muscles that he had seen on other fighters- he was far sleeker in build. That hair was so soft- reflecting an almost silken sheen- and those eyes. They were closed now, but he could just imagine them. Intense. Frightening. Captivating…

And it was then when Shikamaru finally noticed. Sasuke had more or less been standing still, focusing quietly, for the past few hours. It was something many ninja did- find a space, simply stand still, close their eyes and tune into their environment, honing skills of detection and shinobi's famed almost sixth sense. Sasuke's eyes were closed, and his lips- the sides of them, twitched ever slightly into a knowing smirk.

Sasuke knew he was there.

Shikamaru leapt off the tree- walked into the clearing. He tried not to think about it too much. He knew if he did, he would turn back- run. He focused only on one thought. _Sasuke knew he was there. No point hiding. Might as well._

Shikamaru stood in the clearing- frozen, almost panicked- outwardly calm and uncaring, as always- not sure what to do. His brain was working, trying to formulate a plan of action, but all it could ever think of was what Ino had told him, and talking to Sasuke was useless- and the only other thing that ever appeared was Kakashi's off-handed warnings.

Sasuke straightened and turned around to face him, their eyes met, and-

_Fuck this._

Shikamaru stepped quickly forward in long, delibrate strides, grabbed Sasuke by the shoulder and pushed him back- pausing just for a moment to register the amused surprise apparent on the Uchiha's face before pressing their lips together.

---

**NOTES: Yeah, this took a little longer than expected. The first few days of school had lengthy investitures (in which the skits turned out to be yaoifests) and shirtless genuine Japanese taiko (not like I was complaining). To everyone who reviewed or favourited me, thanks- I hope you liked this chapter, it took awhile to write. To everyone who read this and liked it, drop a review, I'd love to hear from you!**

**A/N: Yepyep, on an updating spree... **


	4. four: Contact

---

**A/N: This chapter (at least the first part of it) is definitely of the citrus variety. It's not very explicit, but it has that tangy taste to it. Avoid if you must.**

---

**four.  
CONTACT**

_and nothing in this world is for real  
except you are for me, and I am so yours_

I won't do it with you- I'll do it to you  
I hope this hook gets caught in your mouth  
I won't do it with you- I'll do it to you

don't say no, just say now

- Ka-boom Ka-boom, Marilyn Manson**  
**

---

Shikamaru coughed.

Whatever had possessed him at that moment, it was no longer there. He had Sasuke up against a tall rock by the waterfall- so reminescent of the night eight days before, only in reverse. It was entirely unnatural, how Sasuke didn't even protest- simply let himself be pushed back so easily, intense gaze tinged with surprise and yet some kind of knowing amusement as Shikamaru pressed their lips together.

It was awkward- Sasuke did not resist and his mouth slid open, but Shikamaru found himself leaning back, tilting his head, simply unable to hold him down- he felt Sasuke grab his arm and force it back, and he stepped back- coughed awkwardly.

Sasuke smirked, his cold, slim fingers still gripped tightly around Shikamaru's arm. Shikamaru flinched- tried to jerk away, but Sasuke's grasp was too strong. He realized just how pathetic he was- Sasuke had _used _him and walked away, and here he was, crawling back for more… he cursed Sasuke under his breath- cursed himself. He realized that, just moments before, as he pushed Sasuke back- that he had not pushed him away. And that at that moment he had felt rather happy about it.

They stood there for a moment that seemed to stretch forever- a fleeting few seconds in which time stood still.

Shikamaru wanted to say something- wanted to explain himself. Sasuke had used him- and now he would simply laugh and turn away- and he didn't want that to happen. He didn't… he didn't want it to end- _Do I _want _to be used? _He thought bitterly, trying to find the words. But his voice was lost to him- the words that came rose and died in his throat. How could he explain it, when he didn't know himself? "I- ah- just didn't…" he stammered, hating the way he was so nervous, hating the way he felt so vulnerable- "You… you haven't-"

And a moment later his back was slammed against the rock- painful, forceful, familiar- somehow comforting in a twisted way, somehow desirable. Sasuke was so much better at this. Shikamaru realized that in that familiar sudden sensation of pain and panic and twisted pleasure Sasuke had not turned him away- and a part of him was truly glad.

Their tongues met, twisted around each other- Sasuke's more forceful, always the aggresor, pressing and scraping Shikamaru's back against the rock. His eyes widened as one of Sasuke's hands, the nails digging into the flesh of his arms, began to wander- it found the sleeve of the thick, padded chuunin vest, His other arm slipped behind Shikamaru's back and lifted it clear of the cold, rough stone for a moment- and he slid the vest off- and without thinking Shikamaru's own hands assisted him, casting his thick jacket to the ground- it was always in the way, and he wanted to feel more- they pressed against each other in the heat and the sweat, Sasuke's cold fingers exploring the niches of his body thorugh the thin fishnet shirt, finding spots that he never knew could feel that way as they were massaged by slender fingers. Shikamaru's mind kept working and wondering and he wished, and wanted, just this once, he could stop analyzing, stop thinking- enjoy the moment as it was. And so he did- he closed his eyes, shut his inhibitions- groaned deep into Sasuke's mouth. There was only one thing he wanted to drive him- the desire that burned deep in his chest.

"Don't."

Shikamaru froze.

"Don't," Sasuke repeated harshly, commandingly, having drawn back ever so slightly so his words would be audible. Shikamaru could feel his warm breath against his own tongue.

Shikamaru shuddered as he felt Sasuke pull back, his cold hands tightening over Shikamaru's shoulders- small tears in the fishnet from his nails, and Shikamaru felt warm blood trickling across his skin. Sasuke had leaned his weight back in- but not the same as before, and Shikamaru felt his breath against his ear, instead, as his voice came- heavy and hoarse, almost a whisper, as though it took some effort to draw breath- and Shikamaru could feel it, too, that it almost labored his chest.

"Open your eyes."

A pause, a silence, and Shikamaru could feel it in the air- filled only by their ragged, mangled breaths that sounded as though they struggled to be free from their throats- and there was something in the way it felt, the way Sasuke's body felt against his own, that felt almost possesive-

"Open your eyes," Sasuke repeats, somewhat more impatiently, but softly enough- but there was something that made Shikamaru shudder and freeze up-

"_Open your eyes,_" Sasuke growls- it was animalistic, vicious, louder- more forceful- and Shikamaru complied at once.

He found himself staring into Sasuke's hair- and it smelled faintly of grass and blood and sweat- but Sasuke tilted his head so their eyes met again.

And instantly he could read everything- raw emotion that built up behind those seemingly still eyes, the only thing telling in a coldly blank face. Amusement. Desire. Hatred. Obsession. Revenge- was that a tinge of confusion, some form of relief? He could read it- but he could not read why… what had Sasuke wanted him to see?

He didn't have much time to think of it at all- his mind blanked out again and gave in to raw instincts, groans escaping him as he felt Sasuke lick his ear, nibble along the lobe and his neck- uncharacteristically gentle compared to the force of his hands, but biting down hard on his shoulders, until he was sure Sasuke could taste the blood.

And Sasuke stands back, stepping cleanly away from Shikamaru. Shikamaru leans against the rock, savoring it's support- his knees felt weak- ignoring it's rough surface and the discomfort on his back. He closes his eyes- if only to rest for a moment- but then not long after snaps them open again, Sasuke's words- Sasuke's_command_- ringing fresh in his mind. He clutched at his shoulder, feeling pain radiate from the small but stinging wounds, patches of crusted blood- then at his chest, gasping for breath. He knows Sasuke is standing there, watching him- there was almost a hunger to those eyes, but Shikamaru _hated _the way they were so knowing and twistedly amused. His thoughts flooding back to him now, but Shikamaru doesn't want to deal with it- that… _desire_, burning, needed to be fufilled, and there was only one thing that he knew- he had to break the silence, had to say something, make Sasuke stay, or he would leave again-

"I…" he truly felt out of breath, breathing heavily, looking down- not wanting to look at those eyes again. "I... wanted to… Ino. Ino told me to talk to you."

There was a silence in which he could practically feel Sasuke's gaze burning holes in his body.

"That was talking?" the reply came- simple, unbroken even though he was as out of breath as Shikamaru was, a low, amused drawl.

Shikamaru tensed, the mocking tone only too evident in Sasuke's voice- but before he could form words he was cut off.

"Look at me." Sasuke sounded so dangerously calm… "_Look at me_," he repeats forcefully, and Shikamaru looks up- meets his eye. "Good," he hears Sasuke mutter amusedly, and he tenses again- what was he… ?

But again Sasuke doesn't give him time to consider anything. "Strip."

Shikamaru isn't sure he heard it right- but that look in those eyes, the sound of the voice, and he found himself complying.

Sasuke smirks, taking his time- a hawk, his eyes hungrily searching- a cat, toying with his prey. His gaze lingers as Shikamaru removes the last of his clothing- slowly yet hastily, almost fearful. Without warning he steps forward, throws Shikamaru to the ground, kneeling above him- bending over, his hands on either side, his mouth again next to Shikamaru's ear.

"Don't move," he whispers- soft only in volume, the tone as forceful as the anger in his eyes, and it sends a shiver down Shikamaru's spine.

Shikamaru realized, then, that he was _letting _Sasuke do this to him… letting him… dominate him. What was going on? And for a moment he felt Sasuke's tongue brush against his ear- and again he simply gives himself in.

_I told you so, _the voice in his mind whispered smugly.

_Shut up, _he tells it.

Amazingly, it does.

He doesn't move and he doesn't close his eyes as Sasuke licks at his ear again, his tongue trailing across his chest- as Sasuke's hands began to wander, as Sasuke's hand reached for his own trousers, as Sasuke presses against him, as he savors the feel of flesh against flesh, as he groans and slowly the commands forgotten they both close their eyes and as Sasuke's hands dig painfully into his hips his own are thrown around Sasuke's shoulders, and only one thing was on his mind, that desire that he finally was willing to admit to and name- lust. The world around them vanished into nothing and all that mattered was them, the gasps and the moans that mingled in the air, their blood and the sweat- the pleasure- the pain- the sensation of every thrust, the way Sasuke's name escaped his throat when they gave into nothing but lust and bliss.

---

Shikamaru wasn't sure what he should feel.

Happiness. Lust. Relief. Disgust. Depression. Anger. Anxiety…

He didn't know- and frankly he didn't care.

He staggered home exhausted and sweating, slipping in through the window to avoid his parents and troublesome questions and lay on the bed, briefly wondering if it would make more sense to slip into peaceful sleep or remain awake troubled by the consequences of everything that had occurred in the past week- but again his mind gave into exhaustion and he simply bathed in the warm afterglow and drifted off to dreamless sleep.

---

Shikamaru awoke and blinked blearily at the ceiling. He was vaguely aware of the time of day, that he was late for… something or another, and that he was feeling particularly lazy (as impossible at that seemed) and felt content to remain in his bed- and it was after a few minutes wandering in the realm of half-sleep, basking in the feel of warm satisfaction, did a violent thought strike him.

_Fuck!_

He bolted upright- stared at his own hands, flexed his fingers- almost to check if he were real, if he was dreaming. He closed his eyes, thought back- the memories flooded into his mind, clear as day. His hands flew to his shoulders and sure enough he felt scars where Sasuke's nails were just a night before- scratches across his skin and crusted blood on his hips.

He felt like he was going to throw up.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK._

He tried to think clearly- tried to, but failed, and violent swearing was all that he could muster, screamed in his mind and muttered under harsh breaths, his nails digging into his own palms- only that they reminded him of the way Sasuke clawed at his skin, and as his thoughts became more frantic, all they did was _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck._

Deep breaths. Slow. Count down from ten, he willed himself. Just do it- do it.

_Fuck… fuck. Ten._

So he'd been raped. Fucking raped. By Sasuke, of all people. His memories told him that he had consented, but he shoved it aside- for the love of all that was holy he couldn't deal with it then. Shades of gray were great and all, but black and white was much simpler to think about.

_Nine._

The Uchiha had taken is virginity. God- he wanted to _kill _the fucker now. What made him think he could just go up to him, push him to the floor and just… have his way? Just like that? He wasn't about to be used and thrown away by some selfish bastard.

_Eight._

All he could think of was burning hatred, and never in his life had he felt this much- after all his capacity for apathy and emotional detatchment was honed to perfection. What kind of self-obsessed prick was that guy? _Proud as he may be, _that voice in his head whispered- and God, did he hate that voice right about now- _You're the one that let him do it._

_Seven._

_Let him? Let him? I didn't let him do anything!_ Shikamaru argued with himself- and all that anger was instantly directed at... himself. Shikamaru didn't know how to deal with extreme emotions like these- he had after all avoided them completely. _Yes you did,_the voice taunted, _Don't you remember?_

_Six._

_No, in fact I don't. People tend to block out their traumatic memories. Such as being fucking _raped _by a fucking _stalker.

_Five._

_You remember._

_Four._

_Even if I do I don't fucking want to._

_Three._

_Try to remember, why don't you?_

_Two._

Squinting his eyes shut, he willed himself to remember- and it didn't take much effort. The smell of sweat and mud and grass and blood, strands of his hair falling into his face- Sasuke had torn off the band at some point of time, and whenever it was it was forgotten- such details were lost in the torrent of memories of overwhelming pleasure and pain and the feeling of each and every-

_One._

It was then that he realized his breath was shorter, faster, more hurried, his face flushed- he was getting excited.

He threw himself back onto his bed and cursed.

---

"Your dad told us you were sick, Shikamaru."

Ino nodded in agreement from behind Chouji's back. She watched Shikamaru sprawled across the bed, pale and sickly looking, cold seat soaking his skin- the only thing that looked familiar about her friend was his ever lazy posture and the faraway expression on his face.

Shikaku said that Shikamaru had slept through the morning- checking on him they found him sweaty and tired and squirming uncomfortably in the bed and they had decided a day of rest would do him good. They had no idea what was wrong with him, but the questions weren't really asked- yet another thing about shinobi villages. Sicknesses were not unheard of, but more common was the plight of psychological trauma. They applied a very simple philosophy to it. Don't ask.

Shikamaru was clearly shaken. Ino slid a sideways glance to Chouji, who inbetween his mouthful of chips glanced back and nodded ever so slightly. He had known Shikamaru for far longer than she had. He understood- like Shikaku probably did. It would be an illness until Shikamaru said otherwise.

Shikamaru nodded grimly and acknowleded their presence. Ino felt a worry swell in the pit of her stomach as she and Chouji sat down by the windowsill. She had never seen Shikamaru like this before- so shaken, so… she couldn't even find the words.

Her eyes caught sight of the vase of flowers to the corner and she couldn't help a small smile. The only reason he kept those things around was because she gave them to him. It went unspoken, a simple gesture like this- that Shikamaru would keep something so troublesome to maintain was a mark of their friendship.

Shikamaru spent most of his time lazing around on the grass- and he said he felt an affinity with the grass. While she couldn't quite bring him grass to grow in the vase, she did bring flowers that Shikamaru liked (wild ones, weeds sometimes) and some that she thought were fitting. Shikamaru had spent enough time lazing around the shop hanging out to pick up some- _probably most of, given that brain of his_, she thought- the language of flowers that her mother had patiently taught her. She leaned over and tucked in some dandelions- wish-granters, her mother called them- poppies- yellow and white, bearing messages of friendship, dreams and peaceful sleep- and though she wondered if Shikamaru would notice, some talks of marigold- that was said to soothe aches of the heart.

Whatever was wrong with Shikamaru, Ino had a sneaking suspicion it had to do with… with what he approached her with the other day. For now, this was all she could do- and maye Shikamaru would pick up on it, too… there were times when they exchanged flowers as a means of talking, and Chouji didn't know the words of flowers but understood what they meant to them both (it certainly started many rumors flying around the academy at the time). Sometimes Ino thought that Shikamaru just enjoyed the subtlety of it- the arrangement and the flower choices were to him a puzzle to be read, like everything else.

"More flowers," Chouji said, chewing thoughtfully.

"That's right, Chouji, more flowers," Ino snapped indignantly- it was just in her nature to do so.

"I don't understand those things."

"I could always teach-" she sighed and shook her head, not bothering to finish. She and Shikamaru had tried to on more than one occasion but Chouji was much more interested in which plants were edible and which plants were not- survival training, he said. "Didn't you bring anything for Shikamaru?"

"Yep," Chouji grinned widely, beaming. Rumaging around he soon pulled out- food. A bag of chips- different than the ones he usually ate… but then again it always seemed like he had a billion of those things. Ino rolled her eyes. "They always help me when I'm sick," Chouji beamed, holding them out to Shikamaru brightly.

Ino watched wearily as Shikamaru pulled himself upright and massaged at his head. He coughed a little, groaning deeply- his eyes flickering from left to right, as though watching for something…

"Hai," Shikamaru mummured blearily, looking up at Chouji and forcing a smile. "Mendokusee, ne."

Ino noted the forced nature of it, but smiled. _Same old Shikamaru._She knew Chouji noticed too, but he was far better at masking his worry than she was. She poked Shikamaru playfully in the shoulder. "Feeling better, Shikamaru?"

He grinned weakly, flinching away slightly from Ino's touch- enough to let her know that he'd rather not be, but not enough to make it seem like he was taking offense. "Rather… arigato, Chouji," he said, taking the chips from Chouji's hands. "And you, Ino," he added, eyes travelling to the fresh flowers.

Ino nodded and smiled- hid an inward frown. She was not sure if she saw it right, before Shikamaru jerked away, but there were scars- fresh scars, to the point where there might have been crusted blood- on his shoulders… what had happened to him? Did… did they still hurt? She _was _a medic-nin…

She looked up to find Shikamaru's eyes studying her quietly. A brief moment of silence passed between them before he spoke.

"Marigold, Ino?" He said softly, gaze trailings off to the flowers.

She nodded, watching for his reaction. He looked thoughtful, distant, and nodded quietly.

"I think that would help," he said.

She understood.

---

It was incredible how much a simple visit from friends could lighten one's day.

He didn't feel any less angry, any less disturbed, any less torn and confused and _don'tfuckingtouchme_ but her felt much calmer now- much calmer, and more able to reason and think clearly without interference. And so he sat on his bed, his hands in a circle, thinking quietly.

_Maybe it's the marigold, _he thought.

The marigold.

He still remembered. Marigold was something that was supposed to aid the healing of wounds of the heart. He looked at the flower arrangement- he wasn't sure if it was in harmony or whatever Ino always went on about, but it… looked nice. And as always, meant a lot. Friendship. Support. Peace of mind.

He reached out to touch the soft, orange petals- warm, inviting, comforting… so unlike those cold, prying fingers- he shuddered (and for a moment he didn't know if it was from fear or from excitement) and brought his hand back to his chest, hating the way he felt so vulnerable.

And after all that, he thought bitterly, he still was no closer to knowing _why._

Ino was a great friend, a worthy confidante. He would have to return to work at the office sooner or later or Godaime was going to have his head. Maybe he could pay her a visit at the flower shop, he decided. Getting up would do some good. Moving around would go some good. Walking- fresh air, just get out, anywhere, anywhere where he didn't have to just sit there and try desperately not to think of memories of the way those muscles rippled beneath almost unnaturally pale skin with every-

A walk would be good.

He got up, pulled on the jacket and vest over the fishnet shirt and made his way down the stairs- not even pausing to hesitate, as though afraid that if he did he would stop and not move on. He nodded to his father, and Shikaku simply nodded and watched his son on his way.

As he walked down the road, he wondered vaguely why he hadn't just went with what everyone thought and went ahead and fell in love Temari instead, or even Ino. It would make everything much less troublesome, the rumors easier to deal with- and it would be easy to tell her, with flowers and- _Wait._

_Fall in love with Ino? _He blinked.

…_Instead?_

---

**A/N: This chapter's a little shorter than usual, but that's because I had planned to have it go on abit more- but I found this a much better place to end it. Thank you to everyone who's read this and those kind reviews so far- I wasn't expecting much from this, being more or less an experimental crack!fic, but I'm having more fun with it than I thought- and the feasibility of this ship surprises me.**

**I've always felt that Ino and Shikamaru's friendship could be more meaningful than most believe. I'm not going to completely ignore his friendship with Chouji, of course, but I think that the InoShikaChou trio are all the best of friends- and if I were in Shikamaru's position, I would confide in Ino more than Chouji for something like this. With all that gossiping she's bound to know something, no? **

**And I am not good at the citrus! T.T**

**I went back and updated the previous chapters, fixed some typos I noticed (probably missed 90 of them) and added in a nifty thing at the top. **

**Til next time, folks!**


	5. five: Return

---

**five  
RETURN**

_he's there in case I wandered off  
he's scared 'cause I warned  
he's there in case I won it all  
he's scared 'cause I want_

_all in all the clock is slow  
six color pictures all in a row  
of a marigold_

Marigold, Nirvana

---

Kakashi had found Sasuke.

He had found him in the forest ( which was where it was largely assumed Sasuke always was, but the forest was vast and Sasuke was not new to the arts of self-concealment. Not that Kakashi was new to the art of tracking, either, but they were after all shinobi- combatants in an endless ring where the aim was to outperform the other. The silver-haired jounin simply could not find him, even with the help of the hachi ninken, and decided that by that alone it might be derived that the student had surpassed the teacher. He could not help a small glimmer of pride.

Why Kakashi had always been searching for him, even he was not too sure. Tsunade only looked on grimly and nodded as he spent the little time he had free from the constraints of mission after mission searching for his former student. Ever since Sasuke had ( rather quickly ) attained the rank of jounin, he had vanished off the face of the Earth, even more so than he was before. With this Team 7 rapidly dissolved, Naruto choosing to follow Jiraiya on a several years long training mission, Sakura quickly taking up the opportunity to train under Tsunade herself as a medic-nin. In one part, Kakashi was morbidly curious about two things- one, just how powerful Sasuke had become, and two, if he had thought any better about his ultimate goal of destroying Itachi. In the other part... and mostly, in truth, Kakashi had felt... _lonely._

It was something Sandaime had always told him, that he needed to find friends, people to love. It was only because of Sandaime's rather forced request that Kakashi had been pulled from the ANBU- and of all things, given a team of genin to train. At the time, Kakashi had rolled his eyes and taken to the task with a half-hearted air, sarcastically talking to himself of how the task aimed to _open up his wounded, lonely heart_. Now- and especially after Sandaime's death- Kakashi had to thank the man. It had done something, after all.

But not much. Naruto had grown under his guidance, but under Iruka and Jiraiya as well, and Sakura had grown of her own strength and skill ( under her mentor's guidance, of course, and yet ). It was Sasuke that he saw himself in- he did not entirely understand, and he knew no one really could, but he could somewhat empathize with the Uchiha's pain and then-near-obsession for revenge. When he saw the three of them, it reminded him painfully of his own past- but rather than running away, as he had been so accustomed, he seemed instead determined to save them from a similar fate. Especially the one in which he saw the same potential that he had- the potential to make a deadly mistake.

_And for all that,_ he thought bitterly, _He only became more obsessed._

Sasuke's fixture on Itachi had went from constant desire at the back of his mind, to single-minded drive, to his very purpose for living. And Kakashi had tried to save him from the darkness- sealed away Orochimaru's cursed seal, trusting Sasuke to make the right choice... and he shouldn't have, and he still berated himself for the mistake, he should have talked to him more. Made him understand. And in the end, Sasuke had still fled in favor of Orochimaru's promise of power- and even though he was here now, it was not of his own choice. The Uchiha stayed because he did not want to be too pathetic, Kakashi understood that much... but either way, what did Sasuke's presence do, if his sole purpose in life was still to maim and kill someone he once held dear?

And all he could do was watch him, and Kakashi was failing at even that.

_Shikamaru,_Kakashi thought idly. Somehow, someway, Sasuke saw something in the lazy chuunin. Kakashi had never disregarded Shikamaru, but never paid much attention to him either. He simply could not see what Sasuke would be so drawn to, so fascinated by- and that alone was some form of fascination. He was intelligent, very much so, and none who knew him would deny it. He did not care about the world- never initiated anything and shirked everything as much as the laws of reality would allow- and then some. Kakashi knew little of the chuunin- knew little of his own student. He was... _annoyed_, at this lack of understanding, annoyed when he realized that now ( it had been some time since his last Jounin mission ) his preoccupied mind was taking to puzzling over random shinobi and their daily personalities.

He chuckled darkly to himself. _So this is what Sharingan no Kakashi has become._

People saw him... differently now. Still as a powerful ninja, distant and mysterious- but also unpredictably endearing, eccentric, merciful, kind... wise. A worthy advisor. A worthy teacher. Even now, after he had tried to change himself for his team ( for Sasuke, he knew, but did not say )... he _was_different. He could not deny it. But he could not forget the ruthless killer he had once been... and sometimes, he missed it. Sometimes the thought that that side of him was still lurking, waiting to emerge, scared him. Other times, it made him feel glad.

They were shinobi, after all, born and bred killers, every one.

It was something Sasuke had brought up to him before. _What are we, if not ninja? _The then-genin had demanded of his teacher ( Sasuke had never been one for respect ). _What do we do, if not kill? I am an avenger. I am a killer. And I _will_have my revenge.  
_

And in the forest, Sasuke had been _waiting._

The only time Kakashi had ever seen Sasuke, indeed the only reason why he didn't think Sasuke had simply ran off again, was that sometimes, he would see him. Lurking in the old Uchiha houses. Moving quickly, through the crowds. There were times when the copy-nin simply ran into his former student in his training, but all he could ever bring himself to say were low, mocking drawls, a cold imitation of how Sasuke treated the world. He wasn't sure what he should be doing, otherwise. For Kakashi to have actively looked for someone was already different. What should he be doing? Showing concern?

He shrugged mentally. Kakashi was never bothered by social niceties. He would do what comes to him, at the time.

This time, though, it didn't feel like an accident. It was almost as though the only reason he caught the scent, the only reason he found the younger jounin, was because Sasuke _let_him.

That, of course, led to the rather meddlesome question of _why_.

He did not pretend to know Sasuke well enough to guess ( and that he did not try may have been proof that Kakashi knew more about him than most ). He concerned himself, then, with what _did_happen.

Kakashi wasn't quite sure what to expect, when he found Sasuke...

_Sasuke was just sitting there with Kakashi first caught a glimpse of him through the foliage. His instincts told him to stay hidden and observe- but it was not long before Kakashi noticed that Sasuke seemed to be... waiting. That he had probably not only been noticed, but expected. Kakashi wasn't sure how to handle this properly- but then he never cared for the proper way, regardless. He hopped down the tree and emerged in the clearing opposite from the Uchiha, raising a hand in a cheerful salute- although Sasuke's eyes were closed. "Yo," he greeted. _

_Kakashi studied Sasuke's unchanging posture. He was seated on a fallen tree trunk, his elbows on his knees, fingers laced together, obscuring parts of his face that his black bangs did not. He could make out closed eyes, though, and an unchanging expression that was quiet, contemplative. If he didn't know better, he would've guessed the younger ninja was meditating. _

_"I was wondering when you'd come." Kakashi was somewhat taken aback by the reply. Given most of the conversations he'd had with Sasuke, he had expected at the very least a much longer silence. "I haven't bothered to conceal myself for days, now." _

_"Being on time has never been my strong suit, Sasuke," he replied casually. And he waited for some hint of why they were there- and there came none, the expression unchanged from before. So, he took it upon himself to ask. "Why are we here, then, Sasuke-kun?" _

_Kakashi could__see him bristle ever so slightly in annoyance, but it calmed quickly. The reply was something he hardly expected- and what's more, it sounded so disturbingly genuine, unlike Sasuke's usual veiled, barbed comments that dripped with cold malice. _

_"I don't know."_

_He had never known Sasuke to be uncertain, to be insecure. Maybe deep down, but on the surface, nothing... and if he was expressing inner insecurity, why now? Why to him? Kakashi frowned- and something occurred to him. Even if he was confused, something had always driven him- there was one thing he was always sure of, one thing he always knew he needed to do. _

_...could it be?_

_"That's different," Kakashi replied, with a casual, aloof air. He sounded almost bored to be there._

_"You've been chasing me for so damn long," he heard Sasuke snap. He looked up and saw a Sasuke he recognized- older and stronger, certainly, but still the same power lurking behind his now-open eyes that gazed intently at his old mentor. "You must have something to ask me." Kakashi watched his muscles tense- in anticipation of... some kind of a reply? _

_There was no way Kakashi was admitting to anyone that he had just felt a little like a lonely old man. He lied, of course- it came naturally. "Yes."_

_The old jounin saw shoulders droop slightly, muscles relax- but they tensed again once he spoke the next word. "Shikamaru."_

_Slowly, surely, with an air of a heavy wildcat's deadly grace, Kakashi watched as Sasuke pulled himself upright. He even looked stronger than he used to be. Sasuke strode slowly, calmly, straight to his teacher's side, always looking past the copy nin, never looking him in the eye. When Kakashi heard him settle next to him, he could almost feel it. An aura of almost-intimidation that instilled, even in him, a sense of almost-fear. _

_"What about him?" The question came in a low, familiar draw._

_The question was simple. "Why?"_

_The answer, of course, was not._

_Kakashi could almost feel Sasuke hesitate behind him. "What did he tell you?"_

_"Nothing," Kakashi said simply. "I know what I know."_

_He felt Sasuke moving again, further behind him, towards the edge of the clearing, the trees. It was clear, at that point, that the conversation was over, and that Sasuke had no intent of giving answers- and whatever he had waited for, he was willing to put aside. Kakashi tilted his head ever so slightly so he could see the receding figure from the corner of his eye, as he called out, "Shika-kun wanted to know why, too." _

_His sharp eyes caught Sasuke pausing at the very forest edge, leaning his hand against a nearby tree. The hesitation was clear, and Kakashi fancied he could see a ghost of an answer forming on those pale, pale lips- but a moment later he was gone, vanished into the forest and the shadows. _

Playing through the memories in his head, he realized that this must have been difficult, for someone so logical as Shikamaru. So many questions. Too little answers. Hardly anything to analyze and try to understand- so little to go on. Kakashi, however, was far more concerned about Sasuke.

Sasuke_had_been his student, after all, and he still had some responsibility for the boy. And despite everything, at least Shikamaru had people to turn to. At least Shikamaru had friends.

---

"What is it, Ino?"

Sakura bit down the insult that came to her lips- her rivalry with the blonde kunoichi was fierce, but their friendship was stronger. Their bickering and arguing had hardly reduced over the years, but their friendship had only grown stronger. Moments like these were rare, and Sakura _knew_that if Ino was asking for help, it had to be bad.

The Yamanaka family shop was a pleasant place to be, Sakura had always thought. They were in a room in the back, now- one of the features of the shop house. Aside from the small store room, there was also a room where they kept some flowers, a couch- it was a room where they went to rest without having to go up to the house. Sometimes, Ino told her before, customers are idiots, and getting away from them is a necessity.

They sat on the couch, and Sakura could smell the mixed fragrances of various flowers mingling pleasantly in the air- she would've enjoyed it more, but Ino, sitting next to her, supported her chin with her hands, face creased in worry. And whatever it was…

"I'm worried about Shikamaru," Ino said finally, with a small sigh.

Sakura frowned slightly. Ino had told her a little, a few days before, (Sakura was sure she knew more, Ino could always pry information out of _anyone_) of how Shikamaru was having… relationship issues, with a certain someone. Ino wouldn't tell her more, and the pink-haired kunoichi was somewhat surprised. Ino, holding back from gossip? Even she can be trusted sometimes, then. But was it really something to be worried about?

"I'm sure Shikamaru can take care of himself," Sakura said.

"He was wounded…"

"Badly?" Sakura asked, alarmed. She hadn't heard of _that._

"No," Ino said quickly, shaking her head. "Small scratches. But…" Ino frowned._Marigold. Whoever it was Shikamaru was fighting off… could he be hurting him?_"I think whoever it was might be actually _hurting_him!"\

"Did Shikamaru tell you that?"

"No, but-"

"Then there's really no need to worry, Ino."

"I know!" Ino snapped- there was some of the fiery temper Sakura knew. "But I can't help it! He did tell me. Not… not exactly, but-"

Sakura sighed as Ino talked- this language of flowers thing again. There was too much to be read into it, unless Shikamaru was manipulating the blonde kunoichi or something, but there was no way he would do something like _that._Shikamaru didn't need to be worried over- he had a good head on his shoulders, even if he was a lazy oaf. There was no way he'd get himself in any sort of serious trouble- and even if he did, he had enough sense to ask for help, not poke around flowers. Sakura was sure that Ino was overly concerned, and really, it wouldn't do her any good. So what else could it be? Something to take Ino's mind off it…

She threw a wild guess.

"Maybe he was just trying get your attention or something. "

"What!?"

"Maybe you're jealous!" Sakura grinned. On the off-chance it was true, it was about time she brought it up. If it wasn't, a bit of harmless teasing could always help Ino get her mind off things.

"I'm not jealous of anyone!" Ino argued. She wasn't like Sakura, she didn't latch all her affections onto one person and wait aimlessly for something that would never happen while drowning pathetically in her own sorrow. She had preferences, but she took them as she came. She'd long ago noticed that Shikamaru was sweet, beneath the lazy, uncaring exterior, but she'd long ago realized that Shikamaru wasn't about to go after anyone for awhile, that it was pointless, and she felt no worse for the realization.

"So touchy, Ino-pig," Sakura teased. Inwardly, she did a little victory dance. Ino was so easy to get worked up.

She drew breath for another heated comeback (most likely involving the size of Sakura's simply _epic_forehead) but only then realized that Sakura was just teasing. Her anger faded and her blue eyes shone cunningly- oh if there was one thing the two of them were good at, it was insulting the other. It was familiar ground. She was feeling better already. But before she could speak, she ended up pausing- blinking, staring at something behind Sakura.

Sakura herself blinked and twisted her body around- and didn't quite expect what she saw.

Shikamaru, looking nowhere near as sickly as Ino had described him, was standing calmly at the door, hands in his pockets, shoulders sloped to one side. He raised an eyebrow at the somewhat unfamiliar sensation of girls gaping at him, then shrugged. _Troublesome women._

"Did I interrupt something?" he asks, the corners of his lips betraying a small smirk.

---

On the rooftops, Kakashi waits and watches.

He'd been there since sunrise, and he'd already finished half of the Icha Icha book he brought along. Once and awhile his eyes would raise from the tired pages and search the crowd, find nothing of interest, and return to the familiar lust-ridden words. The thoughts that entertained his mind had little to do with sightseeing _or_pornography.

He thinks of Sasuke, and their brief encounter- of how he has changed so much, yet not at all, from what he used to be.

"_I never wanted to come back."_

I know, _Kakashi thinks, but he doesn't look up. He'd been here every day for two weeks now, leaping in wordlessly from the windows in the morning and vanishing in the night. Sasuke never saw when he came in, when he left- fatigue, truly, had the better of him during his recovery. Kakashi knew that even if Sasuke somehow appreciated the company, the ceremonial show of obligatory concern from the teacher to the student, Sasuke would never say a word. And so the days had passed in silence, but Kakashi kept coming (waiting for something, but not expecting anything either). It was the first time Sasuke had uttered a word since he first awoke to see concerned faces around his bed, since he mumbled words of confusion that rapidly evolved into curses and screams. Kakashi still wondered if saving the boy was ever a good idea. Kakashi still wondered why Sasuke was still here- because to be honest with himself he'd have expected the boy to flee a long time ago._

"_But here you are," Kakashi says, and indeed, here he was. Regardless of his suspicions, regardless of what he had known- or thought he had known- about Sasuke. It occurs to him that he did not know much at all. He watches Sasuke stare bitterly at his hands, flexing his fingers slowly, teeth gritted in irritation. The recovery was taking a long time, and even Sasuke knew that he couldn't leave just yet._

_The black-haired Uchiha clenches his fists quickly, his voice bitter. "Only because those blockheads kidnapped me…"_

_Kakashi studies the sudent's face- as always covered in nothing but anger and hatred. Angry at the world, angry at his almost-friends, angry at himself. "Now now, Sasuke-kun," he says cheerily, showing off his one-eyed smile, "The sound were quite competent."_

_Sasuke scowled, but was otherwise silent. Sasuke understood, to an extent, that Kakashi's teasing was one thing never to be taken at face value. It didn't stop him from being annoyed by it. Kakashi wondered, for a moment, just how well his student knew _him._"We almost thought Chouji-Kun was dead for awhile, after all," he added lazily. "And Neji-kun."_

_Kakashi heard Sasuke mutter something under his breath- it wasn't clear, but it was definitely a curse, and the jounin _knew_he had hit a nerve. Perhaps Sasuke could learn after all… maybe he wouldn't waste Konoha's efforts to rescue him. Maybe, just maybe… "They risked their lives for you, Sasuke," he said, tone suddenly serious, bringing his one stern eye to Sasuke's head. _

_Kakashi watched as Sasuke glanced upward and met his gaze for a fleeting second before turning quickly away. "They were idiots," Sasuke muttered darkly._

"_You dare to insult them?" Kakashi knew that his voice was harsh, but since when had Sasuke ever reacted to kindness- and it was a lesson he had to learn, soemthing he had to understand, something that if he understood would hold him from running back to Orochimaru's waiting arms. "You owe them your _life,_Sasuke! They did not once stop, did not once think '_What's that guy ever done for me'- _you were their comrade, their friend, and they came to your aid without hesitation! And this is how you thank them for it?" _

"_They had their orders," Sasuke snapped- he had shrank slightly from his mentor's anger, but refused to show it, but never turned around to face him, either._

"_You think they nearly sacrificed themselves for orders?"_

"_We're ninja!" Sasuke argued. "Tools. To be used."_

"_We are also people, Sasuke!" Kakashi's voice level was beginning to rise, his anger rising uncharacteristically- and he wasn't sure why. "We fight for the people we hold dear!"_

"_And they hold me dear?" The voice was raised to match Kakashi's, mocking, challenging- shaking. _

"_Believe it or not, Sasuke, people actually care about you!"_

"_I _know_!"_

_Sasuke had turned around and was staring at his mentor, right in the eye, his shoulders rising with each ragged breath. Sweat was trickling down the Uchiha's brow, and that was the first time Kakashi saw it- that thing in his eyes that would come to haunt anyone else who had seen it before. Anger, revenge, obsession- and a twisted feeling of hollow emptyness, of far-off pain, of heart-wrenching regret. _

_Kakashi stared back, somewhat taken aback. Sasuke's mouth was hanging open- it was as though he was trying to speak, trying but couldn't, and any words he found rose and died in his dry throat. But it was understood. They wouldn't need any words._

_Both of them had felt it before._

_In the quiet silence that followed, it was Sasuke that broke their gaze, turning away to stare at the opposite wall, head buried in his arms. Kakashi had remained and watched his small twitches and ragged breaths, but not long after leapt out the window without a word. _

It felt so long ago, now.

He still wondered if he should've done it… differently.

But Sasuke was still here, still in Konoha, but he no longer seemed like the young genin he knew, teetering on the edge of lifetime of hatred. The present Sasuke felt like one who had already made his choice. But Kakashi liked to think that there was hope… he hadn't left. Not yet.

_I wonder what you'd make of this, Shika-kun, _Kakashi mused to himself- one way or another, he was sure, Shikamaru had gotten himself involved in the tangle of anger and confusion that was Sasuke. And, of course, since Kakashi had always been involved, they all had their part to play now. _Maybe there's more people to this than I thought._

There it was.

In one of his periodic glances from his cherished book, he had caught a glimpse of a flash of raven-black hair. He scanned the crowd again- it wasn't hard to find. People's heads were turning and people were muttering and whispering among themselves as recognition crossed their faces- the figure stalked through the crowd, ignoring the crowd's curious gaze, and people shifted pointedly out of the way, pointing at the symbol they had not seen for years, whispering of the red-and-white fan emblazoned on the back of the figure's shirt.

_To think, _Kakashi thought to himself, _After all these years, Sasuke has finally, truly, returned to Konoha._

---

**A/N: My laptop's back! D**

**But it has no MS Word. I'm using the school comps, but I finally managed to get a chapter out. I'm happy with it, and I hope you guys enjoy it. As always, thanks (and drop me a review/message!). **

**I should be able to update regularly again soon. I've been able to think the story through, and though I've always known where I was going now I know how I'm going to get there. There will be a sequel, apparently, the way I have this planned out, but nevermind about that right now.**

**This chapter lacks Shikamaru. **

**Til next time!**


	6. six: Flowers

---

**six  
FLOWERS**

_I bought you flowers but they died on the way  
I brought you dead flowers_

_I guess they feel the same  
so take these dead flowers  
keep these dead flowers  
so you can forever think of me_

_in exchange for these flowers  
I'll take back the hours  
I spent trying to feel that way_

Flowers, Never Heard of It

---

"Yo, Sakura. Ino."

Shikamaru twiddled his thumbs around the cloth of his pockets- he had to bite his lip slightly to keep him from revealing the torrent of confusion and wild speculation whirling through his overwhelmed mind. The silence- the silence was unnerving, and he struggled to put on the front that he usually so effortlessly held. _Talk, damn it! _He thought desperately. _You women are always yapping anyway! _Something,_anything,_to distract from the chaos that was his thoughts.

"Sh...Shikamaru..." Ino blinked. _He looks much better now, _she thought, looking him up and down. Maybe Sakura was right. Maybe she did just worry too much. There was something in his gaze, the smirk on his lips, and somehow she couldn't find any words.

Sakura glanced between the two chuunin, and somehow she felt like she was the one interrupting something. Despite his greeting, Shikamaru hadn't taken his eyes off the blonde kunoichi.

"You look better, Shikamaru," Ino said finally, with a bold smile on her face- slightly teasing, mostly relieved.

"Ah, yeah." Sakura watched as Shikamaru raised a hand to scratch at his head. "Thanks, Ino." The grin on his face... it looked almost nervous. And he was clearly here to talk to Ino, who had been worrying about-

A small smile crept over Sakura's face as she put two and two together.

_Nails. Skin. Nails on skin. Flesh. Sounds. Groans. _Shikamaru's thoughts were disjointed, hazardous, and he fought for control- something he wasn't used to. He should've stayed at home, he should've just stayed in the silence of his room where he could rant it out all he wanted, but now he was here in front of Sakura and Ino and- what was that look on her face? Wait... was he acting nervous? Yes, he was- _Shit, she couldn't think-_

"Ahh!" Sakura exclaimed suddenly, leaping to her feet. "I almost forgot! Tsunade-senpai will have my _head_ if I don't get back- sorry Ino, I'll talk to you later-" she ran out of the door in a blur of pink hair and smiles, only looking back briefly at the doorway at Shikamaru's questioning gaze to offer him a small wink.

_Oh shit, she _could

He had never felt this bewildered before. Wild images kept racing through his mind's eye overlaid with the world before him, thoughts screaming an arguing- he fought hard to fight his quickening pulse, his shallow breaths. Of all places he was here now, and he couldn't show Ino anything. Anything.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Shikamaru," Ino said, smiling. Sakura had made a rather sudden exit, but it didn't matter, if she'd stayed they would've just continued their argument. She _was_glad her friend was feeling better, and they needn't give him a splitting headache- Ino knew just how Shikamaru felt about what he described as the _troublesome tendency of women to talk and talk_, and she'd decided to try and hold back this time, as much as she could. "Did you want to talk to me or something?"

He could almost hear blood pounding in his ears- and fainter still the sounds of deep groans, soft echoes that resonated through the memory._ Agh... she asked you something! ...answer, damnit! _"Ah, I just want to thank you, I guess," Shikamaru said finally, grinning again. And in the midst of the relief of finally finding words, he realized that he was just standing there awkwardly in the doorway with a stupid grin on his face.

Ino grinned back. "That's sweet of you, Shikamaru!" ...and rather uncharacteristically so. _He's fidgeting, _she noticed- his fingers were twitching, his weight shifting slightly from side to side... _Sweating. His breathing... a little quicker than normal. _Her training as a medic-nin came into play- she was not as much of a reader of people as she knew others (especially Shikamaru) could be, but she could pick up the signals. Interpreting them... not so much. But she tried. _Symptomatic of... _various diseases ran through her head. She frowned slightly. _But first check for... fatigue. ...Nervousness? But why would Shikamaru be nervous? _

_Okay, okay, you can salvage this... wipe that damn grin off your face! No no, don't just stand there like a zombie- fuck... _controlling himself was difficult, it was as though everything that always seemed to run itself was now to Shikamaru's manual control. Breathe in, breathe out, blink. But no matter what he did, there was only one thing that was appearing before his eyes and he couldn't force it away... and the only thing even vaguely sane was the voice in his head pestering him. _This is too much, _it whispered, _You can't handle much more. You don't just need a distraction. _

_I know, _he told it, _I need to make Sasuke fuck off._

"...Shikamaru?" ...was he just standing there? Ino blinked. Shikamaru's eyes were still fixed at her, but staring straight, as though looking at something beyond her- glazed over, almost. _Maybe he wasn't feeling better after all... _"Are you alright?"

_No, thanks for asking. _Wild memories drifted through- the smell of sweat and blood, mud and grass, the gentle feather-light brush of black silken hair, so unlike the cold fingers that grasped everywhere else- but ah, it felt so...

"I'm fine, Ino," he said, whirling around quickly- he muttered a quick curse under his breath and took the moment to massage at his throbbing forehead and grit his teeth in frustration. Should he get out of here? But Ino could help him, she did before- kind of. It was amazing what that visit did for him earlier- and Chouji was nowhere to be found. And besides...

_You don't just need a distraction._

_No,_he told himself firmly, _No. I can't just manipulate Ino like that. I can't do that to her. _

"You sure?" Ino had stepped forward and turned around curiously. "You don't look it..."

Shikamaru drew himself upright slowly and forced an uncaring shrug and a deep sigh (that was not forced and may have had it's sources elsewhere). "Telling you again is troublesome. If you don't believe me, you don't."

Ino paused, and grinned widely. _That_sounded more like the Shikamaru she knew.

He had no reason to stay now... but he needed to. He wanted to go back to his room and tear at the walls and bedsheets in frustration, and while that was the easier choice he knew it was not he better. His friends had helped him before, and they would help him again- they didn't need to do the specifics. They could do it. Just by being there. "...what if I help you out a little?"

"Ehhh?"_That_did not sound like the Shikamaru she knew.

"It's been ages since I hung out here," he shrugged. "Besides if I go home they might send people after me... I've skipped out on some of my chuunin duties, after all. They don't know where I am now."

"Alright then." That made sense. _I guess. _Ino had spent most of the day worrying anyway, and some of the flowers needed tending to. Not that Shikamaru had any idea how to. "But_I'll_handle the work." Ino supposed Shikamaru was still shaken from... whatever it was that happened to him, that maybe he just wanted some company._Not that he'd ever admit it. _

Ino watched as Shikamaru shrugged- he wasn't about to protest not being given any work to do! But she did have _something_Shikamaru could help with. "I've got a few bouquet orders and I haven't picked out the flowers yet. Why don't you do that?"

"You're troublesome, Ino."

"You're the one who wanted to help!" the blonde kunoichi stuck out her tongue. "Just pick out ones you think look pretty," she said teasingly.

"Yare yare," Shikamaru shrugged. "It's better than doing paperwork."_And it's something to distract me with.. agh. _He turned wordlessly and started wandering the aisles, pausing now and then to look at the flowers, trying to ignore the incessant voice in his mind and the memories that kept hovering before his very eyes._What the hell did you _do?_Damn... Fuck you-_

---

"_Sasuke."_

_The black-haired genin tore his gaze from his own reflection in the water. His legs dangled off the edge of the platform, his feet just barely skimming over the surface, every small twitch creating ripples that warped the image that stared back at him with empty eyes. He wasn't sure who he was expecting to see (maybe Naruto, that idiot), but he did not expect Kakashi._

_His mentor gazed down at him- Sasuke grit his teeth. He hated the knowing look in the jounin's eye, the quiet superiority... the pity. _What does he want now? _He thought bitterly, turning his eyes back to the water. _Bastard.

"_Where were you?"_

_Oh, so he was just here to reprimand for not being at training. Sasuke had wanted to go somewhere where he was sure Naruto and Sakura wouldn't find him. He would've went to training the next day. At the time, he had just wanted to be alone- and he wasn't, not anymore. He didn't know much about Kakashi, but he hated what little he knew. For someone who was supposed to be helping him grow stronger, he didn't seem like much. Never on time, never did much for what training sessions they already had. All he ever did was read that book- the pervert._

"_Here," he answered- there was no respect in his tone of voice, no acknowledgment of the man's status as his mentor. He knew that scolding was coming, or something along the lines thereof- harsh words and idle threats that he knew many to use. None of them ever got to him, of course. _

_But there was no reply. No change. Sasuke sensed Kakashi take a few steps forward until he was directly behind the genin- if not for that, Sasuke might've thought he was no longer there. He drew his breath and waited for something to break the expectant silence that hovered between them, but it never came._

_Threats never worked on him because of what threats were. The way to get what you wanted out of someone, the way to manipulate them- the key lies in knowing what they wanted. Knowing their greatest desires, their greatest fears. But no one knew what he made his life's goal- no one understood what he wanted, what he feared, what he loved. No one knew what he saw in the water, what he saw in his own reflection. _

_The sun was beginning to dip past the horizon and the area was flooded with pale red light, the clouds painted with oranges and yellows. Other people might have looked at it and seen beauty. Other people might have found inspiration, the glories of life. But the only thing that Sasuke could see were the colors of fire that brought destruction and madness and death. _

_He saw Kakashi's reflection rippling in the water, standing just behind him. The jounin seemed to be gazing in the water as well, hands tucked casually in his pockets, body weight slouched to one side... it was with a jolt that the realization came- Kakashi was not gazing at his _own_reflection, but at Sasuke's._

"_So this is what you've been doing all day, Sasuke-kun," Kakashi said finally, a teasing air to his tone. "Staring at your reflection?"_

_Sasuke said nothing, but kept his gaze determinedly fixed in the water, at his own rippling eyes that flashed with annoyance. He couldn't believe Kakashi was still here. Couldn't the old jounin get bored or something and just leave him alone?_

"_Now now, Sasuke-kun," his mentor said cheerily, smiling (Sasuke never understood how he could do that with just one eye). "You _are_cute, but even still staring at yourself all day must be boring."_

"_What-!?" Sasuke snapped his head around, staring at his teacher (_I can't believe that _pervert_ is supposed to be my teacher!) _with an expression of indignant surprise, disbelief and disgust. "What are you-"_

"_Don't need to thank me," Kakashi said, the smile still ever-present, completely ignoring his student's reaction. "I thought you'd like looking at my reflection better."_

"_You thought- what!?" Sasuke sputtered. This wasn't something he was counting on._

"_After all," the jounin continued, bringing his gaze back to the water, his tone lowering slightly, "You don't see yourself at all, do you?"_

_Sasuke froze. His eyes searched the jounin, the wild shock of silver hair, the mask and headband covering most of his face- his expressions were unreadable, his intentions unknown. He was right- Sasuke never did see himself even in his own reflection. But..._

"_I know that look in your eyes all too well," Kakashi said, interrupting Sasuke's thoughts._

"_..How did you-?"_

_He didn't finish the question, but somehow he felt he didn't need to. _

"_I did the same too, once."_

_Sasuke blinked. "You did... the same?"_

_Kakashi never took his eyes off the water as he replied. "Tried to find myself in the water," he said simply, "Only to see _him_instead."_

He remembered that day all too well.

It was the first time he started to feel any form of actual respect for his mentor- although he never called him sensei.

Sasuke made his way through the crowds, walking through that felt distantly familiar- as though he was returning to a long-lost home that he once knew so well. Things had changed- not much, he knew, but it still felt so different. He took in the vibrant colors with distaste, pointedly ignored (but quietly reveled in) the whispers that passed from ear to ear as he moved through the sea of people. This world was much too bright for one such as he- no wonder he didn't want to come back.

Kakashi was following him. He didn't bother to check. He didn't think, he_knew._

Sasuke himself was confused nowadays- a feeling rather unfamiliar. No matter what he tended to encounter in his life, he had never wavered, never known uncertainty, simply because everything in the end only served to bring him closer to his vengeance or bring him further from it. The former to be found, the latter to be avoided- everything else, not worth his time. So why all these worthless thoughts and feelings now- questions he had not asked since before he made the choice to be labelled as a traitor?

And why the hell was Kakashi stalking him?

_Perverted bastard._

---

_Hmm?_

Kakashi leapt silently from rooftop to rooftop, eyes steadily following the figure that vanished and reappeared constantly through the crowd. It was too much to hope for that Sasuke hadn't noticed him. What did surprise him was that Sasuke probably knew he was being followed- and wasn't doing a thing about it.

"_I haven't bothered to conceal myself for days, now."_

The silver-haired shinobi frowned slightly. He still didn't understand what Sasuke had hoped to achieve from allowing himself to be found- and he hardly understood why Sasuke was in the village now. After Sasuke vanished that night, Kakashi had managed to track his undisguised trail towards the village gates, and sure enough Sasuke was within Konoha itself. Part of Kakashi wanted to believe that his former student had seen the light and was merely returning home in an attempt to rebuild his broken life- but he knew that it couldn't be further from the truth... but Sasuke never did something without a reason, either. He must have had a purpose here in Konoha, something he was after, something he wanted- something that might inevitably prove to be part of a greater plan. Probably one to pursue the man that had haunted Sasuke's dreams and nightmares ever since that fateful night...

_Itachi._

Sasuke never knew this, but Kakashi had known Itachi briefly. Not as a friend (he never did have friends) but not just as a far-off name, either. Itachi's brief career at the ANBU covered many ranks, so rapidly did he advance through them- they had eventually ended up in the same team- fittingly enough. People had whispered of how Itachi was the epitome of Uchiha genius, that his innate talent and skill at his young age had never been seen since the likes of- well, since the likes of Hatake Kakashi.

They had never talked, but then it was the ANBU- you never talked. There was no time for talk. A wasted second was the difference between life and death in the world of the shinobi, with the ANBU more than anywhere else. But they had known each other- on the battlefield your life was your comrade's, and their life was yours.

Itachi... seemed to be the exception. The ANBU were a seamless team, almost psychic in their abilities to complement each other in battle. Itachi had no such worries for the safety of his comrades, and paid little heed to the general flow of battle. As far as Kakashi could tell, Itachi simply slaughtered and killed, treating everything as a test, a measure of his own incredible power.

Everyone was nothing in Itachi's eyes, worthless, meaningless, powerless compared to his own strength. He did not acknowledge his superiors, and hardly bothered with respect. Kakashi had always thought it was because of Itachi's upbringing- treated almost as a God of shinobi, superior and gifted even within the elite Uchiha clan, but yet constrained by their traditions, bound by their rules- perhaps he saw ANBU as an escape, an outlet. In the ANBU, names were never used- it was a place where he would be known only by his strength in the battlefield. Kakashi had been one of the few people Itachi would so much as acknowledge. Kakashi had always thought that Itachi was... different, unstable (more than anyone else in the ANBU that is), and he knew the opinion was shared by many.

But no one- _no one- _expected the slaughter.

_Least of all you, Sasuke._

Kakashi still remembered when he first found out he would be teaching the great Uchiha Sasuke, the last heir to the tragic legacy of the Uchiha. The jounin had at the time heard many great things about the young shinobi, about how his genius surpassed that of anyone his age tenfold- but while no one would speak the name aloud, Kakashi knew that he was simply not as fast, not was great, as Uchiha Itachi.

He must have just been like any other child, before that day- a genius, true, living in his brother's ever-lengthening shadow, but still a child. And to have everything, _everything,_pulled from beneath him in one day- Kakashi could not know entirely, but he could imagine what it felt like. And he knew what he could do. And so he asked them their greatest ambitions...

_...To kill a certain man._

As dedicated to vengeance as Itachi had been to power.

_...Hm._

Kakashi couldn't find Sasuke in the crowd anymore. He backtracked, scanned the crowd- leapt down from the rooftops in order to check up close, but he could not find a trace of it. He did not bother to try and track Sasuke by scent- if Sasuke did not want to be found, he knew very well how to do it, and would make no mistakes. So why did he come back- why did he not disguise it before? Did Sasuke want Kakashi to know he had returned to Konoha? For what purpose? Where was Sasuke now?

And Kakashi had one sneaking suspicion...

---

"Ah. Really?"

Shikamaru laughed half-heartedly, wiping a hand across his sweating brow. It wasn't because of the work, walking around picking random flowers was hardly physically taxing, as troublesome as it was. It was because while the chaos in his mind was slowly beginning to fade, it still kept him on the verge of panic. Ino had been tending to the flowers, snipping and rearranging and spraying and all manner of flower-type-chores Shikamaru didn't understand, and they had kept up their idle conversation. Ino didn't know everything, but she knew enough. She knew that whatever happened to him, he didn't want to talk about it. She knew that he was here for a reason- and she knew at least one of those reasons was keeping his mind of things. It may have been the first time that Shikamaru was truly grateful for Ino's incessant chatter.

"Yep!" Ino said cheerfully, adjusting some daisies in their vase. "Sakura's finally giving that idiot Naruto a chance. I mean not finally, they've been kind of at it for _ages,_but Sakura just decided to make it official-"

_Maybe she doesn't know anything, _Shikamaru grumbled in his thoughts. _She's such a gossip... how troublesome._

He had a better grasp over his thoughts now, and for that he was grateful. His eyes wandered over to the vases in a corner where he had already set down one bouquet of flowers- he'd been picking them out scarcely aware of his surroundings, muttering half-hearted answers to Ino's attempts at conversaiton, too busy at trying to tame the wild thoughts that tortured him- he'd expected them to be a downright mess that he should fix to be mildly acceptable before Ino had his head.

It actually looked alright, although all the colors were rather large and colorful and there were hardly any complimentary blooms- Ino always talked about how flowers shouldn't compete for attention and should instead support each other.

" - It's about time, really," he heard Ino continue in the background, "I understand it must have been hard for her, but really she should've gotten over Sasuke-"

_Sasuke._

He nearly lost his balance- he grabbed a nearby shelf to steady himself. Ino had been facing the other way and didn't notice- it wasn't her fault, not even a slip of a tongue, she couldn't have known- she had no idea. The images came again, unbidden in his thoughts- his breath grew ragged and his hands started to tremble, struggling to act normal he continued to look over the flowers-

"_Good."_

The whispers came unwanted- memories and lingering echoes of the cold voice, mingled with gasps and moans- the low words Sasuke had hissed into his ear...

"_So very... obedient..."_

His eyes widened slightly- the flowers, the flowers, he just realized, weren't so haphazardly picked out after all- the voices in his mind rang clearer than Ino's, and he realized, he had been picking out those flowers while struggling with thoughts of _him-_

"_Don't close your eyes..."_

Jonquil... baby's breath. Maidenhair ferns. Could it be? He choked slightly, and he could hear Ino ask something with concern in her voice, but he could hardly hear her now-

"_Almost... subservient."_

Primroses, red carnations- those umbels, white to pale pink, were they corianders? Bright purple heliotropes-

"_Open your eyes."_

_Jonquil- want for return of affection._ The voice in the back of his mind rattled off the meanings systematically. _Baby's breath- everlasting love. Maidenhair fern- a bond of love, a secret one. _It couldn't- it can't... was that acacia..?

"_I want you to see me-"_

The commentary continued, relentless. _Primroses- a message, "I can't live without ou". Red carnations- an heart that aches. _He stumbled again and his arm caught himself- Ino was coming towards him now, hurriedly. _Heliotropes- devotion and faith. Loyalty. Coriander- lust. _His eyes caught sight of one dark bloom in the middle of it all-

"_- I want you to look at me-"_

_Black rose. "You are the object of my obsession."_

His eyes slid down and stared at the flowers he held-acacia, maidenhair fern- they were the same, he realized, the same...

"_- So you can't pretend-"_

"Shikamaru? Shikamaru-" Ino shook her friend worriedly. He'd just collapsed randomly with heavy breath, wide-open eyes as though in delusional shock, one hand still holding on to flower stalks, the other clawing weakly at his chest. What was it, some kind of... nervous breakdown? It was all she could make of it, but she'd simply never known Shikamaru to be the kind to suffer from panic attacks- and what here could have set it off? If she could just get him to lie down abit she could use some medical ninjutsu to calm him down a little- her eyes caught sight of the flowers. Trained eyes took it in quickly- and her eyes widened. Did... did he pick those on purpose? There was no way he could just randomly pick flowers like that and have them all mean.. whoever that guy was, was _he_the reason behind all this? "Shikamaru- the flowers. You- is it- who are they...?"

_Damnit- Ino noticed, she's worried,_ Shikamaru yelled at himself- _I can't let her- can't let her know about- shit... What can I do? _

"Shikamaru- can you hear me?" This wasn't good- should she call for help? Was he blacking out?

"_- That it's someone else..."_

Shikamaru pulled himself upright slowly, realizing that Ino was helping him up- e was recovering slightly- it was just a random thing, a flashback, brought on by Ino's mention of the name- even as he thought this he could hardly keep his thoughts straight- he couldn't let her know, he had to come up with _something-_and without thinking he shoved the flowers he held into Ino's hands, forcing her to take them.

"_So you can't pretend..."_

Ino blinked, staring bewilderedly as Shikamaru's hands weakly guided hers to close around the flower stalks. _...me? But- is this why Sakura- but- what? _"Sh-Shikamaru...?"

_Oh shit, what troublesome shit have you gotten yourself into now? Idiot... agh. _He drew shallow breaths, trying to think his way out of it, even he could hear the cold fading voice still whispering in his ear-

"_...That it isn't me."_

_---_

**A/N: I hope this works the way I'd want it to... some of it didn't quite turn out how I had hoped and I might go back and tweak it later. I'm relatively happy with it, though, so here it is.**

**What's poor Shika got himself into now...?**

**As always thanks for your reviews and your support! I hope you liked this chapter as much as the rest, and as always let me know! I'm always glad to hear from you.**

**Now to actually do homework... and then on to chapter seven! **


	7. seven: Waiting

---

**seven  
WAITING**

_stop, stop staring at my window  
nobody's home  
I think you're scaring me to death  
knock, knock- knocking at my bedroom wall  
and I'm gone_

_you're such a beautiful stalker  
beautiful stalker_

Beautiful Stalker, Sugarcult

---

"Yosh! Go, my adorable Lee, show us now how you revel in the springtime of your glorious youth!

"Hai, Gai-sensei!"

"Ugh," Tenten muttered, rolling her eyes. The kunoichi tapped her foot impatiently, kunai held loosely at her side. "Must they do that_every_ time?"

Neji glanced sideways with his piercing, blank glare- many people shrank from it, but his teammates were far too used to it now. He saw the corners of her lips twitch ever so slightly into a smile- they both knew, as annoying as they were, they would never had it any other way.

"Today I will beat you, Neji-kun, or I will do one thousand laps around Konoha hopping on one foot- with my eyes closed!"

"With your eyes closed, too? Such to be expected of my greatest student, Lee! Ah, youth!"

That didn't stop them from complaining, though.

While most of the other teams still worked together but often went their seperate ways, Team Gai had the luxury of being just that- Team Gai. They worked as a full platoon in almost all of their missions, except for those rare times when Gai or Neji would vanish on high-profile jounin missions- but Lee wasn't exactly far from becoming a jounin himself, and Tenten was fast on their heels. They met most every day to train, Neji and Lee having their usual spar of their everlasting (not eternal, as Lee often pointed out, that title belonged to Kakashi and Gai alone) rivalry, as well as Tenten and even Gai joining in. Their minds bursting with such... _youthful brilliance, _as they called it, Gai and Lee often came up with completely random training events. Neji and Tenten had long given up arguing in the name of reason and had come to see them as rather entertaining (albeit at times excrutiating) breaks from monotone routine.

Usually, upon hearing that all-too-common pep talk Gai gave Lee, Neji would be readying himself for the battle- Lee was getting stronger every day, and unlike kakashi, their rivalry was not one-sided. This time, though, he only shook his head quietly, hardly believing what sort of contest they had gotten themselves into.

Gai, in is long-lived wisdom, had earlier mentioned that there was one contest in which beating a Hyuuga would bring true honor.

A staring contest.

"I still can't believe your actually doing this, Neji," Tenten said when she saw the look on his face, a small grin spreading across her own.

"That's what we tell ourselves every week," Neji said matter-of-factly.

"That's right, Lee!" he heard Gai scream in the distance- apparently they were... practicing for the actual contest. "Look deep into my eyes! I can see the flames of youth burning deep within your young soul, my adorable student! It is the will of fire itself!"

Tenten sighed and slumped down next to Neji, boredly tracing patterns on the floor with her kunai. "This will take awhile."

"Yo, Neji!"

The Hyuuga looked up, somewhat plesantly surprised to see Shikamaru walking towards them. He looked a little pale and sweat was beading on his skin, but otherwise Shikamaru was Shikamaru, slouched with his hands in his pockets. Tenten waved back cheerily, and Neji simply nodded in greeting.

Shikamaru walked next to them and glanced at the display of men clad in green spandex jumping around in apparently great excitement.

"Don't ask," Tenten groaned.

Neji frowned inwardly. It was rare for Shikamaru to seek out people- he never did unless it was a mission or a message of importance. Did Godaime-sama have a task for them?

"...a staring contest?" Shikamaru said questioningly, just beginning to make out the words that Gai was screaming delightedly into Lee's face. "Did I hear them right?"

"Yeah," Tenten said with a small shrug.

"...with Neji?"

"Yeah."

"So this is what you guys get up to during training."

Neji looked pointedly at Shikamaru. "We do train, only that they... are rather unshakable in their habits. Now, is there anything you wanted to tell us?"

"Not really," the chuunin shrugged. "I don't have much to do today... I was feeling unwell earlier. Saw you and decided to come over and say hi."

The jounin was not convinced. It didn't make sense. Shikamaru never voluntarily socialized with people- Neji could call them friends, though, because they ran into each other quite often and that was how their games of shougi would arise- they were never really planned. There was something in the way Shikamaru stood, leaning slightly back, his fingers fidgeting slightly with the hemline of his pockets- it made Neji think him almost nervous, but he couldn't think of a reason.

"Got time for a game of shougi?" Shikamaru suggested, interrupting the train of thought.

Neji shook his head. "Once this is done with we'll be training."

"Finally," Tenten interjected. "But we'll be done by the evening, why don't you two play then? Neji, you know where he lives, right?"

Shikamaru paused, looking Neji right in the eye. "Sounds good."

Neji was somewhat taken aback, but returned Shikamaru's gaze calmly- but in the chuunin's eyes, he realized, were flickers of some kind of surpressed panic, inner turmoil... he couldn't quite make it out. What bothered him was that he had noticed that something was amiss- because if he knew anything about Shikamaru, he knew that the shinobi could be a brilliant liar.

"I'll think about it," he said finally.

---

Later in the afternoon, Neji and Lee had their ultimate staring contest.

The stakes: A thousand one-legged laps around Konoha. Blind.

"You are a worthy rival, Neji-kun! But I _will _defeat you on this day!"

Neji did not bother to reply. Gai had insisted that the Hyuuga make use of his Byakugan during the staring contest- Neji had thought the entire point of such useless games was the tension of eye contact, and the Byakugan allowed him to see more than that. The jounin did not point out his former mentor's oversight- he was infact rather grateful that he would not have to spend hours staring straight into Lee's formidable eyebrows.

"You are using silence to try and intimidate me out of victory! Brilliant, but not enough, Neji-kun! I shall prevail!"

He never moved from his stiff seated position and he simply took the time to train the limits of his eyes. He watched Tenten behind him, who had long ago given up on waiting and was doing some of her own target practice with various weapons. He counted the birds in the forest, the butterflies in the field.

"I will answer your silence with silence of my own!"

_Thank Kami-sama,_Neji thought.

Someone was walking towards them, in the distance. It took Neji all of a second to recognize the figure- long blonde hair, purple clothes, fishnet along her elbows and her knees. It was some time later when Ino finally reached them, and it gave Neji plenty of time to speculate at what her purposes were. He had concluded that there was no logical reason for her to be here at all.

Ino said her greetings to Tenten and Gai (who was quick to turn her attention onto the staring contest of a century). Neji could see her struggling not to debunk such a useless idea, and Tenten's sympathetic glances as Gai ranted on about the skills of his favourite pupil.

"Ganbatte, Neji-kun," she called out in cheerful greeting. "And you too, Lee-kun!"

"Thank you, Ino-chan!" Lee barked out in reply. It was awhile later when an expression of horror spread across his face. "I have broken your challenge of silence!" he cried out in overdramatic anguish- overdramatic anguish that made him blink.

"I have been defeated!" Lee said, leaping upright. "You are indeed my rival, Neji-kun! And on my honor, I shall now run one thousand one-legged laps around Konoha blindfolded!"

"So honorable, my adorable Lee!" Gai cried out.

Neji sighed and stood up, nodding to Ino in greeting, waiting for the inevitable conclusion of Gai and Lee's usual reactions to defeat.

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

And they embraced dramatically, leaving their present company to look on awkwardly.

"...they haven't changed much, have they?" Ino remarked.

"Not at all. But why are you here, Ino?"

Neji caught sight of her immediate reaction- veiled, subtle, but present. She had withdrawn ever so slightly, seemed slightly taken aback- it was probably a normal reaction, he reasoned. "I was just looking for you, Neji," Ino said with a small shrug. "Actually I was looking for Shikamaru... I thought he'd be playing shougi with you or something, but he isn't here. So I guess I didn't come here for much at all!" she laughed somewhat awkwardly.

"Shikamaru was here earlier," Neji replied, frowning inwardly. Clearly there was something going on. Somehow, he was getting involved- distantly, but nontheless involved. And yet he had no clue. "Looking for a game. But I was training-" Ino raised an eyebrow- "I was supposed to be training, but Gai-sensei insisted. Is something the matter?"

It was the only way his logical mind could make sense of the matter. Ino was clearly concerned about Shikamaru, enough to look for him to try and sort things out, but yet Shikamaru clearly did not want to be found- which was why the kunoichi had to resort to such desperate measures such as consulting himself. Whatever was wrong, it was most likely a problem of Shikamaru's, not Ino's- Shikamaru was acting differently that morning, enough that it bothered him. Shikamaru was adept at concealing such things, and if even Neji had gotten any sense of it, it must be something worth worrying about. Therefore the game was most likely Shikamaru trying to look for a distraction- but he could have distractions elsewhere, as well, like in his friends... but he was clearly avoiding them, or at the very least, avoiding Ino. And, perhaps, it was something that Shikamaru was trying to seek help about- albiet awkwarldy and indirectly and most definitely unwillingly. Yet somehow he had not asked Chouji or Ino, but him.

Ino glanced at her immediate surroundings- Tenten was busy hurling weapons at Lee, who was dodging and deflecting with incredible agility (Neji could tell that Tenten was going slightly easier on Lee- he was recovering from surgery, after all). Gai was watching, beaming with pride and approval.

_Something rather secretive, apparently, _Neji thought. _Even for a gossip._

"Ah... well," Ino managed finally- the way she spoke it was almost as if she was slowly edging her way into hot water, tiptoeing at the edge and unwilling to take the plunge. "Shikamaru..."

"Hm?"

"Shikamaru gave me flowers," Ino said- her blue eyes shone briefly, most likely from the sense of familiarity she got from the wonders of gossip.

Neji blinked. It... wasn't exactly what he had expected. _...Hm. It made sense when Shikamaru said he wasn't interested in Ino anymore, not in the slightest..._

"He gave me flowers- and the flowers he picked meant tons of things... all about... love... and... obsession... and lust," she said hurriedly, rushing through it now, clearly not wanting to linger on what she was saying for too long, "And he told me he was having relationship problems with someone recently and he'd been so sick and traumatized I thought that whoever it was might be hurting him, and I asked who the flowers were for when he picked them out and he gave them to me- and then he left, and I can't find him."

Neji blinked.

He could gather that Shikamaru had confided in Ino with regards to some rather ambigous relationship problem (which could be intepreted as shyness, Neji supposed) that he did not divulge the details of, and was so caught up with it that it was a major concern even for his friends who knew little. At some point Shikamaru had become ill, and Ino suspected that whoever was causing his problems was infact hurting him. Some way or another Shikamaru had picked out flowers which had apparently symbolized love, and had given them to Ino.

_Shikamaru... _he thought to himself slowly, _Might be asking me for help. ...from girl problems!?_

Neji was a genius_shinobi. _He was not a genius in the area of the mysterious things that were women.

Shikamaru must have had his reasons, though...

"I don't know where he went," Neji stated matter-of-factly, "But if I see him I'll try and let you know."

A quick thank-you and Ino left (no doubt to return to her search), leaving Neji to ponder even as he joined in the training.

---

Shikamaru rested heavily against the railing of the stairs in his house with a deep sigh.

He pressed his fingers to his forehead, massaging his temple. The splitting headache had not left him, but at least for now the memories had. But those rapid flashbacks had not vanished as soon as he'd hoped- they were around long enough, they _affected him _(Fuck you, Sasuke) enough for him to have created quite a troublesome situation for himself.

He didn't even want to think of a solution now. All he wanted to do was unwind with a good game of shougi- and it wasn't very likely he was about to get that, judging by Neji's rather bewildered response (Shikamaru couldn't blame him, he'd be surprised too). But a good nap would do just as well.

He came home to find the house empty, and he vaguely recalled that his parents would be away for a few days on missions and such. After some thinking, Shikamaru also managed to vaguely recall that he had to return to his chuunin duties tomorrow or Godaime-sama would be tearing him to shreds with her screams alone. He shoved aside the troublesome thought of the piled-up paperwork that awaited him and made his way groggily up the stairs, safe, at least, in all the havoc that had built up recently around his already too-troublesome life, in the knowledge that this was his home- and a man's home was his castle, it was only right for it to be so.

The light in the sky was fading, the early evening air was calm. He paused, for a moment, his hand on the doorknob, as though amazed at how it still felt so cold, so metallic (in a way that didn't remind him of anyone, for once), so- so very _real. _With a deep sigh he opened the door and pretty much dragged himself to the foot of the bed, turning around so he could just collapse and lose himself in comforting, familiar sheets.

And he realized just_what _he had seen in the shadowed corner of his room, and stiffened as his door clicked shut, his eyes travelling to the wide-open window and curtain blowing in the evening breeze.

"I've been waiting."

---

Two entirely unexpected people had already come upon him for strange purposes today, but least of all Neji expected _him._

It was a good training session, despite it's rather questionable start. He and Lee had the best spar they've had in a long time, now, and it reminded Neji of just how far the chuunin was coming along- of how their motto just rang so true. Every day- stronger than they were yesterday. It was in the evening when Neji had begun to make his way back to the Hyuuga residence. It was on that way that he had appeared.

"Yo, Neji-kun. I was looking for you."

"Ka-Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hm," was the only thing the older jounin said. Neji blinked, for once doubting his eyes, but it was unmistakable. Wild silver hair that jutted out in every direction, a calm, slacky demeanor, one gleaming eye with the other hidden beneath a tilted forehead protector, most of his face obscured by a mask- and some shameful book held loosely at his side.

Neji blinked again.

"You seem surprised, Neji-kun," Kakashi said airily.

"Do you need me for something?"

"Quite."

Neji's eyes narrowed. Kakashi seemed reluctant to continue- and that eye of his was watching, searching- justl ike Neji's own. "If nothing, I was on my way home." He turned around wordlessly to leave, and had taken quite a few steps before Kakashi reappeared infront of him.

"Have you seen Shikamaru today?"

The Hyuuga blinked. _So now Kakashi is involved, too... what is this? _Neji had assumed it to be nothing more than a simple (and rather annoying) problem of social niceties and the Ino's gossipy tendencies... he could be analyzing, maybe Kakashi was just looking for Shikamaru for other reasons. But... if it was for the same thing... since when had Kakashi ever gotten himself involved in social intricacies? He wasn't exactly very good at them- downright avoided them. If Kakashi was involved, it could mean something far more serious... an actual danger. A mission. An enemy.

_It seems there's more to this than I thought._

"For awhile, in the morning."

"Ah."

Another pause.

"Do you know where he is now?" Kakashi probed.

"Is something wrong?"

Neji could see Kakashi's eye widen ever so slightly, the searching seeming to intensify- a silent expression of _what do you know_? Neji gazed calmly back, unblinking eyes in turn asking the exact same expression. What he could find out from Kakashi depended on how much Kakashi thought he knew.

Normally Neji would doubt the need to lie or hide anything from the older jounin, but Kakashi's demeanor in approaching him warranted enough suspicion- given the day's peculiar events.

Kakashi shrugged. "I heard he was ill."

"Ino told me." No notable response. Perhaps Kakashi had no idea of Ino's involvement.

"Have you seen Sasuke?"

Neji blinked- that question was entirely out of the blue- it seemed completely unrrelated.

_...seemed_, Neji reminded himself. _Nothing is for certain now._

"I haven't," Neji replied, allowing surprise to naturally enter his tone of voice, "But no one has in years, after all."

"I thought I saw him the other day."

Neji noted that it was an absolutely blatant lie- and that people didn't lie unless they had something to hide.

"The last time I saw him was at Sakura-san's dinner some time ago. Some of us were surprised to know he was still in Konoha. You were there too, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi frowned ever so slightly, but it was only for a split second before it was replaced with aone-eyed smile. "Ahh, yes. The food was good."

"Rather."

A beat of silence passed between them.

"Thanks, Neji-kun. Later," Kakashi said brightly, raising his arm in a casual solute, vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Neji paused for a moment, staring at where the silver-haired jounin was just moments before, before continuing on his way.

_Perhaps I'll visit Shikamaru for a game after all. _

--

"I've been waiting."

Shikamaru didn't want to turn around, didn't want to face it- didn't want to admit that he as trembling and his breath was quickening, not only from nervousness. His fists clenched and he gritted his teeth, refusing to look behind him even as he felt slender fingers trace lightly across his shoulders, drawing intricate patterns with no sense of inhibition- as though there was nothing wrong with it. As though... as though Shikamaru _belonged to him._

"It's already been longer than I planned..."

Shikamaru's first thought that this was probably the most Sasuke had talked freely in a long while- and his second, that this was premeditated and planned.

His third was the impulse to kick Sasuke in the teeth.

"I'll solve that, shan't I?"

The chuunin hated the way he didn't move when he felt a second hand, when they slid off the chuunin vest, when they pulled off the jacket- hated the way his arms limply shifted aside when they needed to. He wanted to move, wanted to make some protest- but at the same time refused to make any movement, for fear that it would be _anything _but a struggle...

"We need to talk."

"_Ino. Ino told me to talk to you."_

"_That was talking?"_

The memory came completely unbidden- including that smirk that had been on his face, the distant amusement in his eyes...

Why was he here? What purpose did he have? Only to take the same thing again- was that all this was?

The grip tightened suddenly and that was the only warning he received. It wasn't long before he was turned around and forced rapidly against the wall- it felt so familiar, and so-

"_Open your eyes."_

The words were not said- but the mere memory of the command was enough. Shikamaru's eyes flew opena nd he took in the sight before him- dimly lit by the fading light from the window, Sasuke stared straight at him, his lips curled into a smirk, his eyes filled with amusement- and... a deep, obsessive need. The chuunin couldn't help but notice the way the light and shadows played with the muscles that rippled beneath the pale chin of Sasuke's chest with every slight movement, the way the even the soft light caused a sheen in that soft, silken hair-

"No," he muttered.

"Hm?" It was mocking. Challenging. _Daring _him to said otherwise.

"I said _no,_" Shikamaru raised his voice, surprising even himself- pushing Sasuke away.

They stared at each other for a moment, and the apparent shock on Sasuke's face swiftly changed into amusement. He approached again, but Shikamaru instinctively stepped into a posture of readyness, knowing that fighting the jounin was useless. "Fuck you, Sasuke," Shikamaru growled- it was almost animalistic, something he had never heard come from his own throat before.

How long had he been waiting? How long was he willing to wait- and for what? ...Hell, he thought too much, and in the worst of times.

The amusement rapidly shifted into impatience and annoyance- and faster than Shikamaru could react he was against the wall again, only even more forcibly than before, his hands pinned o the wall. Sasuke brought his face closer, leaning his mouth to the chuunin's ear- Shikamaru shuddered as he felt the jounin's tongue trail along his earlobe, pausing to flick at his earring- Sasuke tilted his head so their eyes met. Shikamaru tried to push out again- but it was clear that if Sasuke had decided to use less force before, he was not allowing it to happen again, and he responded to the attempts at a struggle by pressing him against the wall with even greater strength.

"We need to talk," he hissed- and Shikamaru saw his eyes turn blood red, and found himself complying.

---

**A/N: I usually write at least abit a day and after putting it off for some time I just sat down and did the whole thing in one go. Some days, eh...**

**D: I has no reviews from the last chapter. I know you people are reading this, come on, I love feedback! Don't worry, I'll continue to update, I don't -need- you guys to review me. XD**

**Thanks to the people who added this to your favourites or alerts, that means alot too- and of course to all of you who read this!**

**The website's been acting up on me lately, this may be up abit late... **

**Sharingan: the ultimate borderline consent device.**

**What happenz next:O**


	8. eight: Games

**A/N: No lemons, but if you're really sensitive about such I suggest you avoid the first part. Nothing explicit. If the first bit in "Contact" bothered you, skip it. **

---

**eight  
GAMES**

_well, I don't think you like me  
well, I hate you as well  
no one seems to like you  
wish I couldn't tell_

_come on  
abuse me more, I like it  
come on  
keep talking, 'cause it's true_

Abuse Me, Silverchair

---

He notices the other doesn't just leave this time, not like before.

Strands of dark hair falls past his own eyes, plastered together from sweat, bringing memories of when the other had bitten off the band around his hair- like a hunter. Tearing into flesh.

He touches his arm and shudders- his skin was sweaty and a faint pain tingled from scratches and fresh shallow wounds, but he shivers because of the way he had been touched there just moments before. His fingers lightly traced the path cold hands had taken, his own hesitant touch so unlike the one before- fierce. Ravaging. Possessive.

He watches as black cloth was pulled over the silken sheen of black hair and bandages were wrapped around well-built arms, with painstaking slowness- or maybe it was his own imagination. His gaze lingers at the curve of the neck, the angle of the shoulders- those hips, he noted, were almost feminine, in their ability to entrance.

His hands continued to move, down his shoulder, across his bare chest- lingering there as the fingers before had, drawing patterns on his sweat-stained skin, slowly working their way...

He remembers those eyes- he could never forget them. He remembers the way they seemed to bleed crimson, how those markings swirled around- and with a weak memory he wonders if any of it, any of it at all, was real- if it wasn't just a well-crafted illusion- and his hands continued to move, at a faster pace, as though afraid to let the dream fade away.

He watches clothes being pulled on with agonizing slowness- watches the material stretch taut around muscles beneath pale, pale skin, the way the light and shadows played around the curve of the back as it twisted and turned.

He's not sure when they had moved, and was scarcely aware of it even now as his free hand grabbed at the bedsheets. He remembers and tries to imitate every agonizing stroke across his skin, every lick across his ear, every nail that clawed at his skin. Tries and fails- but keeps imagining, keeps thinking- and the memory may well have been enough.

He does not know why, but the other hadn't left at once- they had remained in silence he couldn't understand, listening to nothing but heartbeats and ragged breaths. He doesn't know what he expected, what he wanted, but there was no love from those arms, no gentleness in that grasp.

He had watched as the other rose after a long while- that seemed like nothing.

He watches, still vaguely following his memories, the silhouette at the window, a cold breeze blowing through soft black hair- ragged and untidy in places he remembered holding on to not long ago. He sees that glint in still-red eyes that faded to black. Both his hands were at work now, clumsily trying to follow the path set before them. He sees corners of lips turn up into a shameless smirk- and he never looked away, but when he looked again, it was gone- no shadow, no silhouette, no whisper that remained.

He closes his eyes- and holds in the image in his mind- leans back, his hands working faster...

---

Neji could scarcely believe what he was doing.

He stood awkwardly infront of the wooden door he knew belonged to the chuunin's home. Neji knew what was supposed to be done, of course- knock, and wait for an answer. Only somehow it felt intrusive and rude and- it was just something the born-and-bred Hyuuga had never really done before outside of his own household of strict adherence to tradition.

The night had long since gone, and Neji had thought better of bothering anyone in those late hours. But now the sun was early in the sky- he had come in the morning, just in case there were chuunin duties to be attended to, those exams so close at end- and in hindsight, even if there were duties, they were most likely being shamelessly avoided.

Were there any implications to coming in the morning? Would he be given breakfast? Should he refuse such hospitality? Should he go home?

Really, Tenten was right, he _was_ hopeless at such things.

Neji decided that as a shinobi he had faced death without fear, and if he somehow couldn't so much as tap a door without hesitation he might have to rethink his career path.

The jounin knocked on the door gently but firmly (perhaps due to his training) – once, then twice, then three times, and waited.

---

Shikamaru stumbled upright, blinking through the morning fog of his haphazard thoughts. He was vaguely aware of what had happened, of what he had done, of the disgust that was welling in his stomach and rising to his throat- he knew why, but he would not address it. Not now.

He stumbled through what felt like a thick mist of confusion- a few times he chewed on his bottom lip (he tasted some blood) just to prove to himself that he hadn't gotten himself trapped in some well-crafted illusion. The cold morning air brushed past his bare skin, cold sweat only adding to his discomfort as he staggered towards his bathroom. He hung over the sink, blinking blearily at his reflection in the mirror, waiting to throw up- but even as the overwhelming feeling rose in his throat, nothing came, but he coughed and gagged. He refused to look down at his bare hands- he didn't want to be reminded why they felt that way- and pulled himself into the shower, hitting himself with a blast of ice-cold water.

He was scrubbed raw by the time he turned down the water- he had been so desperate to cleanse himself of... something. He was wide-awake, and the memory was well suppressed in the corner of his mind. Steadying himself on his feet he pulled on his pants and a fishnet shirt, forcefully drying his hair with a randomly grabbed towel while feeling around for the black band he used to tie his hair.

He heard the knocks, hurried down the stairs into his living room. Were his parents home early- ah, at least he had managed to clean himself in time. He paused at the doorway, taking a deep breath, readying himself to put on the exact same lie, but drew back slightly in surprise from the person standing at his doorstep.

---

_They look strange,_Kakashi noted, _ standing there like that._

One the Hyuuga genius, the other an unremarkable slacker. One with a stiff, formal and clearly uncomfortable body language, the other's weight leaned lazily to one side with a bored expression on his face. The silver-hair jounin watched as they stood there for a few awkward moments, staring at each other in mild surprise.

The Nara boy had not been cooperative, and a few hours before, Kakashi discovered, neither was the Hyuuga. Kakashi was both like and unlike Shikamaru in many ways- one of their similarities being their love of puzzles. But while Shikamaru could see when the game was up and new when to cut his losses, Kakashi knew no such inhibitions. He was a genius, a shinobi of great talent- and he knew it. Any challenge he did not take, any question he left unanswered, was a thorn in his side that bothered him until it was solved. He could hardly put aside the puzzle that was Sasuke's apparent interest in the slacker.

So, Kakashi stalked Neji.

The Hyuuga residence was a rather pleasant place, as he had discovered, and Kakashi planned to visit more often.

"_I have nothing more to learn from you, Kakashi."_

The jounin blinked. What had triggered the memory? The thought of Sasuke itself? The copy-nin remembered it clearly, when Sasuke had left the hospital's care and the cursed seal was dealt with- it could no longer function as a cursed seal, but the pain would never be gone from the boy. He remembered when Kakashi had casually probed about Sasuke rejoining Team 7 in missions and training. The response, of course, was... hardly enthusiastic.

"_Chuunin? Forget that. I will be a jounin soon. I will surpass you before you know it. Learning from you will do nothing but limit my potential to _your_boundaries."_

Sasuke had made good on that promise- not a year after and he had attained jounin status. He never displayed any interest whatsoever in the ANBU- and Kakashi assumed that Sasuke saw no need for the protection of Konoha, not when he only had one task in life- and it was a task of destruction.

"_I am tired of your games, Kakashi. I will not leave Konoha- but I will not be here. You will not find me."_

Kakashi had always wondered just what games Sasuke was referring to then... but he knew that the Uchiha had meant it when he said he would not be found. The copy-nin occasionally stumbled into Sasuke more through luck than anything- and now and then it bothered him that he had been able to see Sasuke at all. Could he not flee if he sensed him approaching?

"_Will you stop me?"_

He remembered his own reply.

"_I have already tried."_

"_Will you try again?"_

"_...No."_

Maybe things would have been different, if he had answered yes. But then, what could he have done? Sasuke would've just laughed in his face and vanish into the forest anyway, like he had then. A different means, to a similar end...

They would enter the house soon, Kakashi noted, and he would wait here. From his chosen rooftop perch, he could see the door with ease, and could peer into certain windows from choice angles.

_So what do you see in Shika-kun, Sasuke? _Kakashi thought, his eye narrowing and returning to the scene. _But while that is important..._

Kakashi had been wondering about something else, too, ever since Shikamaru had bothered to look for him. It signalled something- simple, basic, that anyone could pick up if they tried, although the chuunin himself seemed completely unaware- perhaps from his lying capability, or perhaps he was lying to himself. To a keen observer like Kakashi... it was apparent.

_And what do _you_see in Sasuke, Shika-kun?_

---

"Your hair is down," Neji said lamely.

"Ah, yeah. Come in?" Shikamaru stepped back, holding the door open. It wasn't as if he never had guests over before- it was just... Neji. It felt odd.

And Neji was aware of it, too. The jounin stepped through the doorframe and flinched ever-so-slightly when the door clicked shut behind him- he stood awkwardly infront of the door, just inside the house, his piercing eyes scanning what he could see of the well-kept house (that was just beginning to fall into disarray, Shikamaru's parents having left for awhile). Uncertain of what to do, he brushed dust off his sleeve absent-mindedly.

"...Shougi?" Shikamaru offered.

"Of course."

"Make yourself at home," the chuunin told his guest, fetching the board and pieces he kept in his room upstairs. He vaguely remembered, the day before, when he had asked Neji for a game and invited him over should he wish to. It was... it was because- those flowers. _Oh shit... Ino. _He had in all honestly nearly forgotten, and the memory left his throat dry from dread alone. He had effectively asked Neji for a distraction- and in an indirect way, for help. He walked into the kitchen, poking around his shelves- if Ino acted like she always did, she would've tried to hunt him down- and Neji would've been one of her first stops. Meaning... knowing Neji, the Hyuuga had probably guessed that Shikamaru was searching for both a distraction and a means of indirect advice- and had probably thought Shikamaru mad if he hazarded a guess at the reason. And really, Neji would'nt have been too far off.

He walked into the living room and sat down on a cushion, laying the board down across the table, placing down a plate with two loosely-made sandwiches ontop of it. He glanced up, with some amusement in his eyes, noticing that Neji had not left the spot infront of his door and was still staring around and blinking. He gestured towards the other side of the table with a small grin. "Sit down, Neji."

Neji complied, his stiff formal kneeling ever-contrasting with Shikamaru's sloppy cross-legged posture. He helped, somewhat awkwardly, as Shikamaru laid out the pieces, and studied the sandwich to some extent before picking it up, studying it some more, and taking a small bite.

It was Neji that brought up random conversation as the game began, not-so-casually bringing up Ino. Shikamaru replied casually to each and every probe- but not ten minutes later and the only thing between them was the sound of silence and shifting pieces, their gazes fixed intently on the board. Their thoughts were on the game, now.

Shikamaru realized that he was calm- far calmer than he had been, before. A thought appeared in his mind, that maybe he was... maybe he was accepting it.

The chuunin captured a piece calmly, remarking idly, "Neji- do you know who the king is?"

"Hm?" It was an automatic response, the kind of sound intended to sound like some kind of mild interest when really it was just a half-hearted reply- the Hyuuga was focused on the board.

"Asuma asked me that question, once," Shikamaru said quietly, his eyes growing cold.

Neji froze in his position, his blank gaze shifting to meet his opponent's. Shikamaru rarely spoke the name.

"He said I was like the knight," Shikamaru continued without so much as acknowledging the fact that his mention of his old sensei was unexpected, "That I was a valuable piece of played correctly- that I moved differently from the others... a highly tactical piece."

"It suits you," Neji said simply, advancing one of his own attackers.

The game continued in silence for the next few turns.

"The Hokage?" Neji asked finally.

"That was what I guessed... but I was wrong." Shikamaru paused briefly, brows knitting in concentration, before shifting something forward. "It was... the children of the present. The kings of the future- the future generation."

"The Will of Fire," the Hyuuga echoed thoughtfully.

Shikamaru nodded, studying Neji's response on the board with a thoughtful gaze. "But recently... I've been thinking differently. "

"Hm?"

"That while Konoha and the generation as a whole fights for their future," Shikamaru continued, "Everyone has their own king. Everyone has something worth protecting. Worth fighting for. Worth dying for... worth killing for."

Neji frowned slightly, nodding in silent agreement, working out his strategies on the board while contemplating Shikamaru's words. Why was he bringing them up now? The next few moves, the next minutes, passed in silence.

Shikamaru moved yet another attacker forward. "Why are you here, Neji?"

The appropriate defensive measure was obvious to both players, and Neji considered it for a moment before playing it quickly. "Shougi."

"You know as well as I- I wasn't asking for a game."

Shikamaru looked up after making his move, to find Neji staring back at him calmly. "If you didn't want me here, why did you ask?"

"I didn't think you'd come."

"I didn't think you'd ask."

They both glanced up suddenly. To trained shinobi, any sudden noise was worth alarm. Shikamaru frowned slightly, staring up the stairs- somewhere beyond the wall, where his room would be down the hall- that was where the sound came from-

He choked slightly. What he saw was entirely unexpected.

Sasuke calmly emerged from behind the wall- Shikamaru cursed quietly at himself, that the first thing he noticed had been that Sasuke was fully clothed- and the second, how the indoor light looked different on his hair than a moonlight sheen. The dark-haired jounin walked calmly down the stairs, unashamedly locking his gaze at a shocked Neji or a split second- but his eyes met with Shikamaru's. Shikamaru stared at him and made no secret of it- but Sasuke turned away. He paused briefly at the doorway, his hand on the doorknob, before leaving quietly and closing the door behind him.

Sasuke had paused just long enough for Shikamaru to see a familiar black-band around his wrist.

The game momentarily forgotten, Shikamaru and Neji merely gaped at the spot where Sasuke had been moments before- and the moment stretched for an eternity before the Hyuuga broke the silence.

"...ah."

The sound brought the chuunin back to Earth quickly. Neji was intelligent enough to fit two and two together- and by now probably knew more about his situation that he cared for anyone to know. He would deal with it. He supposed. Shikamaru made his move on the board pointedly.

"How long?" Neji probed, settling back down and returning his gaze calmly to the game board. Shikamaru knew what he was asking.

"Not very."

"And this was what you wanted help with."

Shikamaru didn't answer, watching as Neji made his move and replying quickly with his own.

Neji's white eyes narrowed dangerously. "He's using you."

"He can't use me," Shikamaru snapped- Neji flinched slightly, taken aback by his opponent's irritability. "I won't let him," the chuunin muttered darkly. He ran his fingers absent-mindedly through his hair, trying not to think of how Sasuke had done it mere hours before...

Neji raised an eyebrow and nudged a piece to his desired position on the board. "He's using you... and you're letting him."

"Fuck you," Shikamaru said quietly- in a soft, dangerous calm, a warning tone. Neji had never heard the chuunin use anything of the sort, and watched in apprehension as Shikamaru calmly moved the next piece.

"You're being defensive," Neji stated matter-of-factly. "You're in denial."

"Fuck you," Shikamaru repeated simply.

"He wants something from you, clearly. But you- what do you get from it? Nothing, I'd imagine. You're being used- and you're lying about it."

"Your move, Neji."

"To everyone."

"Neji-"

"Even yourself."

"_Neji,"_Shikamaru said sharply. His coughed slightly, and massaged his aching brow- god, did Neji really have to bring this all up now? He was avoiding everything. Avoiding everything for a reason. For his own protection. He didn't need to care about it. Didn't need to know why. What he needed was for it to vanish, to go away- so he needn't be bothered about it anymore. This whole thing was so damn troublesome...

He hated Neji right about now, the self-righteous bastard. Gritted his teeth as he watched the Hyuuga make his move. "Tried to find a distraction," the bastard said...

"Your move again... now-"

"Manipulated Ino, your friend-"

"-Don't fucking go there-"

"- in order to gain sympathy, and an outlet-"

"_Neji_-"

"She was nothing but a distraction, was she?"

"_Neji, fuck you._"

"But that's all she was," Neji said coldly, making his move. There was no pity or sympathy in his voice, only disgust. Shikamaru made his own quickly, but not before Neji continued. "Using her, as much as he's using you. As much as you tried to use me."

"You don't know anything," Shikamaru hissed warningly- there were no memories, no panic, consuming his brain now, only an anger- an undirected rage, at Neji, at Sasuke, at himself...

"I know that he raped you. Didn't he?" Blunt. Cold. Almost uncharacteristically so.

"...Fuck you-"

"Of course not... you_let _him."

"You bastard, it was_never-"_

"Then _why_ didn't you fight it?"

"I did-"

"Not enough!"

---

...Hm.

Kakashi hadn't quite expected Sasuke to walk calmly out the front door of Shikamaru's house, only to vanish without a trace.

What was he doing there? ...visiting? Did Neji see him? Was it an illusion? A trick of the mind? No, Kakashi reassured himself, the Uchiha had definitely been there mere moments before- and had probably been there since the night, judging by chakra trail that Kakashi was beginning to pick up.

And what had he been doing there?

...perhaps the pornography was getting to his aging mind, but- just _what kind_ of irrational fascination did Uchiha Sasuke have for the Nara boy?

There was clearly something rather large on his hands- more so than he had imagined. Kakashi had thought that at most Sasuke had found an outlet for his anger and his hatred- nothing more. But if it was anything more... who was already involved? Shikamaru. Himself. Neji. Ino. Sasuke... Kakashi didn't know enough about his former student not anymore- but he knew who might.

He might just have to involve a few more people...

---

"Not enough!"

Shikamaru had stood up, instinctively leaping into a battle pose- not sure why. He had never lost control, not anywhere close to this- he felt so genuinely pissed at Neji right now that if it weren't for the fact that he had showered earlier and his weapons weren't at hand...

His anger-laden gaze found Neji's, and they flicked down to the game board. He processed it quickly. Neji... in the past few turns, Neji had earned himself a turnaround victory. A miraculous change of tides that Shikamaru might have applauded, if he didn't feel like stabbing the jounin square in the chest at the moment.

Neji's gaze was calm, steady- and completely unreadable, as distracted by his irrational anger as Shikamaru was. Their eye contact did not break even for a moment- as Shikamaru's ragged breaths slowed, his pulse steadied, and he slowly drew himself back into his calm, dismissive posture.

"You disgust me, Shikamaru," Neji said matter-of-factly, standing up to meet the chuunin's gaze.

Shikamaru froze.

"At the very least," the Hyuuga continued, "I am sorely disappointed. None of this will be what you want to hear. Most of it will be what you already know. All of it- what you _need _to hear.

"As I see it, he has continued to use you, and thus there are two possibilities. The first, being that you want him to stop, but you're too cowardly to stand up for yourself. It is fine to have your cowardly tendencies- it is fine to cut your losses... it is _not_ fine to manipulate your friends to attempt to save your sorry self. If you need help, you ask for it. Twisting people's minds in your favor is nothing short of disgusting.

"The second- that you never wanted him to stop. That all you have been doing is lying to yourself, and making yourself miserable. Either way, you manipulated your friends- either way you despise him for doing this to you, but you have been doing the same all along- only lying to yourself about it. You despise me now- but only because I am tearing down your lies. No more lies. Face the truth. Of all people, I would not expect _you_ to hide behind walls of false courage and self-pity.

"But you're right, I know nothing. I know nothing of what happened between you, of what still happens, or what it means. I know nothing of what he wants from you, or why, I know nothing of what you get from him. But I know that now, you are nothing but a coward.

"Cutting your losses is ideal in strategy- and is this what you're doing? Shutting yourself off so you won't have to deal with a thing when everything comes tumbling down? Manipulating your friends is creating losses, not causing them- and everything will crumble on your head.

"Enough of these games. You. Him. Both of us. Both of you."

They stood and continued staring- Shikamaru too bewildered to digest it all, too bewildered to attack. Neji stepped forward and grabbed the chuunin's hand, pressing into it the piece that he had taken to win the game.

"Hardly a knight, Shikamaru," Neji said coldly- he let himself out of the house, without another word.

Shikamaru opened his hand, staring at the piece.

It was a pawn.

---

**A/N: This took awhile, and still didn't turn out quite as I wanted it to...**

**Wooh, over a thousand hits. Not much to celebrate, I guess, but it's a big deal for me! Yay, thank you people! Now if only more of you would send me feedback. XD**

**I got bitten by a billion random plotbunnies today, and dayum, them plotbunnies got_fangs. _Including a weird NejiShika AU thing... hah! I'll think of that after I finish Reason and it's sequel, na? **

_**Reason**_** is drawing itself to a close...**

**Yeah, Neji is mean. D:**

**On to the next chapter, and thanks again for reading! Drop me a review. :D **


	9. nine: Charades

**---**

**nine  
CHARADES**

_thoughts of leaving disappear  
each time I see your eyes  
and no matter how hard I try  
to understand the reason  
why we carry on this way-_

_and we're lost, in this masquerade_

_we tried to talk it over  
but the words got in the way  
we're lost inside this lonely game we play-_

_we're lost in a masquerade_

This Masquerade, the Carpenters

**---**

So many uneventful days passed, and they were all troublesome.

Paperwork was dull and boring work, and Shikamaru returned to it with little enthusiasm. The exams were just around the corner and soon they would be running all around the village running events and dealing with troublesome hyperactive genin and high-profile guests- the chuunin wasn't sure if he'd appreciate the lapse in routine or not. It was a little less of a drag than before, Shikamaru had to admit. He had been dragged bodily into the Hokage's office, where, as predicted, Tsunade-sama proceeded to bite his head off. About four or five seconds of relief and concern followed quickly by half an hour of threats and interrogation. And then, a proposal. A break from paperwork. Kind of.

He was still working, still with paper, only this time his intelligence was being used to torture the minds of potential chuunin in the first stage of the chuunin exams. His task? To set most vile and fiendish questions every student had nightmares about.

He still had to do some sorting, of course, but it was different. He spent his days wandering from office to office, and the late afternoons he spent relaxing. He missed his games of shougi, but it could hardly be helped that he couldn't play any now, he had no one to play with- Ino would have his head, anyway. Most of the evenings that passed he spent with the other teams training, or with Chouji and Ino, or with Ino alone. It was troublesome, but Shikamaru was just starting to see those mildly entertaining dinners as less of a chore and more of a social pleasantry. Other times he would simply waste the hours away staring at the sky. Every night he would return home, a bouquet in his hand to replenish his vase, for Ino had seen fit not to let him forget what he'd done that day not long ago. He would mill around his still-empty house (his parents would not return for perhaps a month), lazing around the couch, fixing himself food, doing minimal housework- but he always returned to the solitude of his room before the clock struck eleven.

He had to be on time, of course- it wasn't polite to keep people waiting.

Always the same time every night and there was never a change in routine. Shikamaru was always on time- and sometimes he'd already be there, waiting in the darkness with a smirk on his lips, and other days when it was Shikamaru would wait, quietly, expectantly, for him to come- and he always did. There used to be a struggle, there used to be screaming, but in the end they both knew the outcome was the same and resisting the inevitable was troublesome.

Every morning was the same. Every morning Shikamaru would wake up and notice that the weight against his back was gone, that the bed was empty of anyone but him. Every morning he would fish around for where the black band had gone, sometimes reaching for the few he kept in his drawer, to tie up his bedraggled hair. Every morning he would stare at himself in the mirror through the shower walls as the cold water rained down on him, washing away the sweat and dried blood from the night before- and every morning he would take stock of the new scratches and wounds that were added to his vast collection. Every morning his bitter tears of confusion and rage would be lost to the water, but not before they stung at his wounds. Every morning he would scream in the roar of the water, every morning he would be filled with a renewed horror and deep-reaching disgust. Every morning he would take a last glance at the vase in the corner of his room- knowing what others thought it meant, and knowing what it truly did. And every morning he would pull on his clothes to hide his scars and make his way downstairs to continue his charade.

The thing was, every morning, he knew it was all an elaborate lie.

And every morning he knew- he could do this forever.

---

"So how are things going with Shikamaru-kun?"

Half-teasing, half insult- but mostly an honest question. It was how Sakura and Ino talked, was all. The blonde kunoichi stuck out her tongue childishly, hands on her hips. "None of your business, Sakura! Now did you want any flowers or not?"

"Just some. Tsunade-senpai could use with some brightening up nowadays, she seems to have so much to worry about."

"Like what?" Ino probed curiously, handing the bouquet she was holding over to Sakura, making herself comfortable in the room. It was an office space, more or less- one that Sakura had to herself. At first Ino had wondered why one would need an office when you were the apprentice to a great medic-nin- but she soon understood that it was, after all, Tsunade-sama they were talking about, and most of her paperwork was lumped on Shizune and Sakura anyway. She sat down on a chair and squinted over the papers strewn across the desk in a semi-organized fashion, trying to make out the words.

"None of _your_business, Ino-pig," the pink-haired kunoichi said with a grin, snatching the paper's out of Ino's sight, grinning when she caught sight of Ino pouting. They were childish, they always acted childish- it was fun. "But I was right, right?"

"About what?"

"Shikamaru. He went to talk to you the other day- and he was _so _nervous... was I right?"

"He gave me flowers."

"What?!"

And in the nature of all good friends, they talked on cheerfully, sneaking in insults and teasing every other sentence. Ino told her of what Shikamaru had done- the panicking, the worrying her to _death, _the flowers- and how sweet was it that he was so shy? How she had to track _him_ down- and dragged _him_ out to dinner, just to try and settle things, but they ended up having a good time- and the next day Shikamaru appeared with an awkward invitation to dinner.

"Hah! I never thought Shikamaru would be the sweet type," Sakura laughed.

"He can be _really_ sweet," Ino insisted, "He's a nice guy, really-"

"But a lazy, lazy genius."

"I never got what _you_ saw in _Naruto_!" Ino said pointedly, jabbing the other kunoichi playfully in the side.

"But it's great, Ino," Sakura said, her tone a little more serious than before- before lightening right up again. "At least you don't have to be jealous of me anymore, ne?"

But to Sakura's surprise, Ino sighed deeply and slouched forward, arms crossed on her knees, gazing downward, brows knitted in anxiety. It was awhile later before she continued. "I don't know, Sakura."

"Eh?"

Ino shook her head slowly. How was she supposed to explain this? _...I don't know!_"Sometimes... it just feels like... nothing. As though..." she paused, searching for the words, "I'm not the reason why he's there."

Sakura blinked and sat down next to the blonde kunoichi, frowning slightly in turn. It didn't make sense- why would Ino have any reason to doubt Shikamaru? Was there more to this than she knew? "I don't understand, Ino."

_I don't either, Sakura!_ "It's just that sometimes... it feels stiff. Awkward. Not like it's a date or even an actual dinner- more like something routine that he has to go through to get through the day."

"But he's Shikamaru," Sakura pointed out. "Everything's troublesome to him."

"Yes, but..." It felt different, somehow. _...But how do I explain a feeling like that?_

"It has gotten better over the days, right?"

"Yes, but- it's been more like a friendship. Nothing more, really. And..." really, it felt nothing more like the usual dinners they had together, only slightly different because Chouji wasn't with them- not to mention they usually found themselves habitually ordering far too much food._And maybe that's all Shikamaru was after, in the end, _Ino wondered to herself, as she had over the past few days. _A friend. Someone to support him. Only... only he doesn't know how to ask._Shikamaru was a genius, but so were other people- Kakashi-sensei, Neji-kun... all of which had some problems on a social scale, and Shikamaru was no exception. They simply... thought differently. _Maybe that's all it is, after all._

Ino hadn't said a word, but Sakura seemed able to read at least the nature of her concerns from her expressive blue eyes. "Do you like him, Ino?"

"You don't need to worry about him breaking my heart, Sakura," Ino said, with a small smile. "I'm not like you. You wasted so much of your time on one person alone... I'm not going to chase after something I can't have. I'll try out what comes- and eventually the right one will come along."

There was a pause, before Ino added, "I'm more worried for his heart." She sighed in an exaggerated manner, leaning back against the seat and crossing her arms behind her head. "But then I'm probably just thinking too much, ne, Sakura?" she said, with a cheerful wink.

Sakura blinked, but understood. "Thinking too much will be a first for you, Ino-pig."

"Sakura! Tsunade-senpai wants to see you-"

"Hai!" Sakura leapt upright instinctively- Ino couldn't help but be at least partially amused by it. Shizune had only just poked her head through the door and Sakura was already ready to go- training under someone like Tsunade, Ino supposed, such habits must only be necessary. "Is she in her office, Shizune?"

"Well, yes- but not now, Sakura," Shizune said, also clearly somewhat amused by Sakura's swift reaction. "Later tonight- I'll call you, but I just thought I'd let you know. We need to wait- well, more like we need to_find_ Kakashi-san."

"Kakashi-sensei?" Ino repeated curiously, glancing up- but it was clear that Sakura was surprised, as well.

"A mission, I think," Shizune added.

"Hai," Sakura said. "Thank you." The pink-haired kunoichi frowned inwardly- what kind of mision, and at _this_ time of year? The chuunin exams were around the corner- she was hoping to catch at least some of them... maybe it'd be a short mission. But with Kakashi...? Was Team 7 needed again?

---

Shikamaru was used to lying, and none of this was any different.

His feet dragged along the floor and his face bore the same bored expression he always had. He yawned and stretched, slouching against the building, gazing up at the sky. It was still in the early afternoon, and he was only taking a brief break from the tiresome nature of paperwork. He saw him in the distance, returning to the village from a long day of training- and their eyes met, and he kept moving steadily forward. Shikamaru would've turned away, but for some reason, he felt like he had to face him.

Neji paused at a distance- one between strangers sharing awkward conversation, not of friends or comrades. His eyes were laden with disgust. "Meeting Ino?" he said casually, his voice perfectly level. Their postures were both stiff and rigid, and they both noticed- but to anyone else it was simply two friends talking. Nothing more.

"Just taking a break," Shikamaru shrugged dismissively. "I'm meeting her for dinner later."

"Chouji?"

"Couldn't come. S'alright. Just a dinner. "

"Must you always lie?"

Shikamaru didn't respond, and the silence stretched on.

"It must be still within you, Shikamaru," Neji said suddenly. "You must know what you're doing. Just because you're used to it... just because you're used to it doesn't make it right."

"Why would you care?" Shikamaru answered coldly. There was a slight twitch in his forehead, an annoyance in his voice. He knew he was lying- he always did. He didn't need Neji to tell him that. Not again.

"I'm not going to let you do this to your friends," Neji said quietly, eyes flashing dangerously- it sounded almost like a whispered threat. "I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

"Then go fight Sasuke and die for all I care," Shikamaru snapped. Even Neji was somewhat taken aback by the aggressive response.

"Sasuke's hardly the problem," he replied calmly.

"Tch." Shikamaru pushed himself off the wall, turning away. "I have work to do that's not nearly as troublesome as you."

He was used to lying, he thought to himself, as he walked, not turning back to see what Neji did. This was no different.

---

_I don't understand any of you._

_Damn._

Kakashi was not used to not being able to read people like an open book, especially after hanging around people like Naruto and Sakura for so damn long. He didn't expect to fathom his ex-student's fascination with a random chuunin, but the fact that he couldn't understand why the chuunin seemed to allow- even encourage it... he did not like it. He was, after all, Sharingan no Kakashi, Konoha's Silver Fang, a genius among shinobi.

He went through it again, playing the memory in his mind.

"_Enjoyed your visit?" he said brightly, randomly appearing in Sasuke's path not long after he left the chuunin's house. He was expecting annoyance of some form, cold ignorance, but Sasuke stopped in his tracks and replied calmly._

"_Yeah," he said, with a casual shrug._

"_What'd you do?" Kakashi said, not-too-subtly probing._

"_Nothing much," Sasuke replied, not-too-subtly dodging._

"_Where you off to now?" He sounded so casual, it was almost as thought you saw Sasuke walking around on a daily basis. "We could grab a drink. Talk. Catch up."_

"_Training," Sasuke answered, not-too-subtly avoiding._

"_Oh come on," Kakashi pressed. "It's been so time, ne, Sasuke-kun-" and he turned around to find himself talking to a log._

_At least Sasuke hadn't quite lost his sense of humour. _

Kakashi couldn't solve this puzzle- it was a challenging one, that involved three (including him of course) of the greater minds in Konoha... maybe four. Kakashi liked challenges, the genius that he was- but of course, he did not like to lose.

( The fact that all this talk of how he was just incredibly childish and wanted to get his way may be true but he knew it was more a coverup for his concern and curiousity than anything. )

He went through this all now, on the way to the Hokage's office. It was not long ago when one of the messenger chuunin had appeared with summons- and it was evident that the chuunin had spent a good deal of time searching for him. Kakashi was everywhere and nowhere, nowadays more than ever. Despite the fact that he had received the summons a short time ago, Kakashi was, of course, late.

Kakashi had run into Neji on the way.

"_Kakashi-sensei," Neji had greeted._

"_Yo, Neji-kun," Kakashi had replied cheerfully. The Hyuuga's ability to keep their traditions was incredible- their politeness unnerved him, sometimes. Hinata downright scared him. Neji, at least, wasn't polite all of the time. It was far more natural that way- in such a ruthless world there was simply no one who could be that nice. That kind-hearted._

"_Have you seen Sasuke around?"_

_Kakashi's single eye flashed at the question- a small smile played across Neji's lips, probably because the Hyuuga was perfectly aware of the casual tone that laced his voice- as though it was nothing but a passing remark. But Neji knew as well as Kakashi that the question was far from simple- and the silver-haired jounin couldn't help but be at least slightly amused. _

"_I could ask you the same thing. Did you have a good game with Shika-kun? It was rather long."_

_Kakashi could practically see the gears clicking into place in Neji's mind- Kakashi had known that he had played a game with Shikamaru, therefore Kakashi had followed him, and therefore had probably also seen Sasuke when he left the house in the middle of their game, since Kakashi knew enough to hint at the game's length. _

"_It was the first time I won," Neji replied, and Kakashi wondered if Neji could tell what _he _was thinking from that statement the way Kakashi read him. Neji had won, an occurrence that could be nothing, but was also troubling- and could be signs of Shikamaru's current mental state. Was he troubled? Was Sasuke doing something to him that was traumatic? He was not sure if he wanted to entertain the possibilities that popped up in his mind at the question- really, maybe he _was_reading a little too much pornography. Just a little too much._

"_Why are you looking for him?" While Kakashi typically delighted in poking around the great subtleties of conversation- he had no time. He was already late- he always was- but he knew that Tsunade could _not_be in a good mood today. _

"_I need a word with him."_

"_Whatever it is, it won't work."_

"_I know."_

Kakashi had at that point said that Sasuke spent most of his time training in the forest, suggesting a few of Sasuke's haunts, pointing out that a very angry Tsunade and Sakura were probably waiting for him at that moment- and Neji had turned away without another word- and Kakashi had continued on his way, without another word.

So, four. Four of Konoha's greatest minds...

How very intriguing.

---

"I need a word with you."

Neji resisted the urge to flinch with Sasuke looked at him. Those eyes... and everything behind them. The great power that lurked- the Sharingan, and the memories... the pain, the torment, the pure murderous intent and obsession for vengeance. Those eyes... what could they possibly see in Shikamaru?

It had taken him far less time than he expected to find Sasuke- he wasn't sure what Kakashi meant when the older jounin had said that Sasuke was practically letting himself be found nowadays, but now he knew. Some silence passed between them- Neji took the time to take in what he could of Sasuke. The same is before- but grown. Taller. Stronger- definitely, and he wondered just how much stronger... but Sasuke gave him a distinctive look of _"I'm waiting", _and it wasn't like Neji had much time to waste anyway. It was still difficult to believe that he was here at all... but Shikamaru was, he guessed, one of his better friends.

"It's about Shikamaru."

Neji saw Sasuke visibly stiffen- but only for an instant. When Sasuke spoke, the voice was familiar- only much colder, lower- more threatening, somehow darker. "Did Kakashi tell you where I was?"

"He had to hurry to meet Godaime-sama and Sakura- but he told me some, and you weren't hard to find."

The silence that followed was somewhat thoughtful, but Neji interrupted it again. He knew that he didn't have much time with the other jounin- he knew that the opportunity to talk to Sasuke would be there, and then gone. He wasn't going to waste it. "Do you know what you're doing to him?"

Sasuke gazed back calmly, and Neji found himself glancing away- the intensity of his eyes, it was just... Neji's fists clenched ever so slightly, his brow twitching in annoyance, both at his own weakness- more at Sasuke's cold, uncaring attitude. To think that he'd react a little more to the mention of someone he's had sex with for... who damn knows how many times. He gave up waiting for a response. He didn't need one. He'd say his piece and leave because his conscience railed at him for not trying- and once he did he would be free from the guilt and he could return and be free of this nonsense. He didn't like being used- not like how the branch family was so abused by the head family... separated by such an arbitrary line. He didn't like seeing others be used, either.

"I think he's losing his mind," Neji said simply- he waited, only briefly, for a reply, but Sasuke still stared back at him in an unbroken silence.

"He lives a lie every day simply because he can't stand up to you. Every day for him is a waking dream- every morning when he wakes up, a nightmare- for I can imagine he awakes painfully aware of what he's doing, what he's done, but forces himself to do it anyway. Denial is a comfortable place to be. And it's all because of you.

"Why are you doing this to him? Toying with him? Playing with him? I'd say you were using him- but to what purpose, to what ends? Is this just a sick game- where you're simply watching his reaction, for your own amusement?" Sasuke didn't reply- he never did, and although Neji waited now and then, the silence and look of neutrality- that lack of caring only annoyed Neji more, and caused him to ramble on, almost.

"I don't even know why he won't just stand up to you. But he's using people, to- but only half-realizing it. He's using people to escape you, to distract himself from his cruel reality- only to have it shoved back in his face whenever you... he's miserable, Sasuke. You've made him miserable."

The silence was expectant, and it stretched for far longer.

"Is that all?"

Neji was entirely taken aback. Could he not even _attempt_ to act like he felt some form of remorse, some form of regret- was at least aware of the consequences of his actions? It was a while later when all he managed to do was nod dumbly.

"Good."

Sasuke turned and vanished into the forest without another word- leaving a shocked, confused and angry Hyuuga behind. This Sasuke... he had always thought he was arrogant, self-important, but still a respectful shinobi. But now... _What on Earth have you gotten yourself into, Shikamaru? _

---

Shikamaru stared quietly at the piece in his hand.

The house was always full of life and noise that he had always run from, saying nothing more but a few obligatory words to his parents before returning to the refuge of his room for the comfort of silence solitude. Somehow, now, sharp afternoon lights playing across polished wood, the shadows seemed darker, the contrasts stronger- the corners quieter, the house emptier.

Words still echoed around the place from what felt like so long before, accusing whispers and narrowed eyes- he resisted the urge to flinch and shy from them as they flew past. Everything that the Hyuuga had said-

_The bastard had no right to say anything- he doesn't know anything. He was-_

_He was right._

Every word had stabbed at him like cold steel- and each hit deeper simply because they rang true. He had been hiding. Always hiding. Using his panic and anger as an excuse to hide behind- even as he might've hurt his friends, when he tried to shove everything towards Ino, all he did was flee.

And Shikamaru knew that if Neji had not come, he would've continued pretending, continued running- to have built up layer after layer of lies and deceit to make sure no one expected that Ino was nothing more than a distraction, that something was eating away at his very soul each day- and when the day came when it all came tumbling down, even then he would flee, even then avoid the blame. It was... it was the way he acted. The way he was. A coward.

_Your nature is not an excuse._

He could practically hear Neji- and he knew that that was what the Hyuuga would've said, and he also knew that it was true. Neji had resigned himself to fate, the curse of the grand legacy that was the Hyuuga. That he would forever be a caged bird. Even now his fatalistic beliefs were hard to shake- but he had finally learned at the hands of defeat that fate was a chosen path, and a destiny was one's own to make. That you could not blame nature for making you the way you were- for even if nature did, it is in your power to change it. To resign to the helplessness of one's own life would be to experience the freedom of the clouds- a false freedom, for they were trapped within the sky, forever following the current of the wind with no will to choose their own path. To refuse to make use of the... of the _blessing _of free will... was nothing more than sloth.

Dear God, he _was_ pathetic.

But it didn't matter. Neji or no Neji, he went through this same thought process every night. Went through the same overwhelming guilt and self-hatred and disgust, only to abandon it the moment he saw those eyes.

_Those eyes, _he realizes. Since that night that felt so long ago now- the night he had seen them bleed, turn blood red... the Sharingan. And it's hypnotic abilities. Could it be that... maybe that was why? Maybe Sasuke was simply _literally_ fucking with his mind- that that was why he felt such overwhelming hate for it, yet he craved it- almost needed it? And even as the answer gained some form of lodging in his mind, as it fed the anger that he already felt for Sasuke- he knew that it couldn't be the answer. Simply because... simply because it was too _simple._There had to be more.

There had to be.

But every night it was the same struggle, and every night the same outcome- and he had more or less resigned himself to it. He glanced at the clock- it was already fifty minutes past ten. He slips the pawn into a drawer in the living room- because ever since that day he somehow hadn't been able to keep his shougi set properly. He made his way up the wooden stairs, and hesitated with his hand on the doorknob, as he always did, before pushing open the door- as he always did. He already saw the figure in the darkness but clicks the door shut behind him first, and makes a slow task out of closing the curtains to his windows, which were always blowing defiantly in some late-night breeze- a deliberate sign of the other's method of entry. Because, Shikamaru knew, even if he closed the windows there would be no stopping him from coming in each night- but the point was, he always opened the windows, before he left in the morning.

It may be part of his daily troublesome routine- but this- this was always different. And this- this... it was what he looked forward to. The familiar sensation of slender fingers working at his vest, the familiar shudder as he feels a lick against his ear- and he looks into those eyes, and notices, that tonight, they were dark.

He hated the way he craved that touch, hated the way he needed that soft yet savage caress- he hated it, all of it, and yet...

_If only you would just leave, _Shikamaru thought- closing his eyes and groaning lightly as pale hands travelled around his now bare chest, pushing him forcefully back. _Then I could just forget about you... but... _But. But so many things... and most of all... _Right now... stay with me._

---

**A/N: This chapter feels so... disjointed? **

**I'm quite happy with it- happy with certain parts of it, at least, and not so much with others. I'm glad I managed to up it by today, anyway, it was taking a little longer than I expected... see, the Chinese New Year holidays are coming up soon over here (and a good year to all who celebrate it), and I was hoping to finish this up before then so that I could enjoy it properly _and_ finish up one or two chapters within it's span. **

**Thank you so much for your reviews, and there seems to be quite abit of a splosion over on chapter 8, but I don't mind. If I haven't replied to yet, I'm sorry, I've been busy with work and writing and all- feel free to jab me forcibly with a stick until I do. Sadly I can't reply to anonymous reviews. Darn it, Anon, you should get yourself an email. **

**I've re-done my profile, sorta. Now it actually has stuff on it of vague relevance. Yay! **

**Enough rambling. Thank you again for reading, drop me a message/review/email, and I'll be sure to get back to you (feedback is 3). On towards the next chapter- and poor Shika. I'm sure more than a few of us know all too well how easy it is to fall into the trap of denial and guilt. **


	10. ten: Missing

**---**

**ten**

**MISSING**

_and you, bring me to my knees again  
all the times that I could beg you please, in vain  
all the times that I've felt insecure for you  
and I leave my burdens at the door_

_but I'm on the outside, and I'm looking in  
I can see through you, see your true colours  
'Cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me  
I can see through you, see to the real you_

_all the times that I've cried  
all this wasted, it's all inside  
and I feel all this pain_

_I stuffed it down, it's back again  
and I lie here in bed  
all alone, I can't mend  
but I feel-_

_tomorrow will be okay_

Outside, Staind

**---**

_Gone again..._

Those were always his first thoughts in the morning.

Shikamaru blinked wearily, slowly pulling himself from the realm of sleep. He didn't want to wake up- he stayed there, curled in his sheets, wanting the warm glow that covered him from head to toe to last forever. But if faded- it always did. He grabbed at the sheets- curled up within them- childishly clinging on to the feeling and refusing to let go- but it felt so... safe. Warm. He didn't know what he wanted, what he expected, but as he awakened he became more aware of the light shining through the window, more ware that the bed was empty, more aware of the cold beads of sweat that trickled down his back.

_He's gone._

His hand reached out and fumbled around the bedside table- the black band was there this time and he untidily tied up his hair, arms moving to push himself upright. Slowly he brought his feet over the edge of the bed, rubbing at his eyes- it always felt like he was dreaming, pushing his way through a thick fog. He yawned and stretched his muscles, feeling little pinpricks of pain all across his muscles- small scratches and fading wounds.

_Yare yare... mendokusee._

He glanced at the clock in the corner. Seven thirty. He scratched blearily at the back of his neck, just barely aware of the tender patch of skin just above his right shoulder. Blinking, he began to take stock of his room with tired eyes. The shougi set in the corner, still missing a pawn. The books untidily stacked on the table that his father provided- that he hadn't exactly gotten around to reading. The vase, filled with flowers from just yesterday-bright purple heliotropes, sprays of maidenhair, and his eyes lingered over the black rose in the middle of it all.

_Sasuke._

The reaction was instant- he almost lurched forward, arms flew around his stomach- a reflexive response from the disgust and horror that instantly welled up in his chest. His head felt like it had been delivered a solid blow- a sudden splitting headache that erupted from his forehead. His hands gripped tightly at the edge of the bed, trying to steady himself as the room swam before his widened eyes- words and whispers that instantly flooded his mind, memories from hours before- groans and moans with harsh commands, and pain- so much pain- and the pleasure- but damn, it had felt so _good_... forcing himself upright he stumbled forward, catching himself on the windowsill, his head hanging out the window- eyes trying to focus on the road and, the trees, trying desperately to ignore the vivid images- finally gasping words.

"Fuck you_."_

---

**CHUUNIN ENTRANCE EXAMS**

**NAME:**

**VILLAGE:**

**NUMBER:**

**QUESTION 1**

**Five shinobi are approaching you from the directions as shown below. There are at least ten more in the vicinity. Your supplies consist of five shuriken and a kunai. Given that you are only able to use basic Academy Jutsu, explain if it is advisable to attack, defend or retreat, and then illustrate and explain the best choices for each. Additionally calculate the best possible attack angles using your shuriken. Please take into account the three-dimensionality of the environment (forest) in your answers. **

"That's just mean, Shikamaru!" Ino said, frowning at the paper with an exasperated expression on her face. "I don't think our questions were that hard..."

"Tch," Shikamaru murmured dismissively. "They weren't hard at all... this isn't, either." He wasn't kidding. In their round of the exams, he had figured out on behalf of his team that they were to cheat. By the time Ino had gotten the answers using her jutsu, though, Shikamaru had already worked out most of the questions- and was fast asleep.

Ino sighed, leaning comfortably against Shikamaru's rather stiff shoulder, jabbing at him with a finger, grinning and continuing with more vigour when he closed his eyes stubbornly. "Just because _you_ think it's easy doesn't mean it's easy for the rest of us..."

"I think it's easy, Ino," Chouji interjected. He sat opposite them, finishing off the leftovers from the meal (they always ordered extra).

"Heh. See?" Shikamaru said, with a small triumphant smirk, opening one eye to look amusedly down at the blonde kunoichi slumped against him. "Told you so."

"What!?" She sat upright at once, snatching the paper up from the table and reading it through again before shoving it in Chouji's face. "There's no way you could find this easy! There's no way anyone could!"

"It's a trick question- just think about it," Chouji replied inbetween mouthfuls. Ino merely glared and fumed, unsatisfied.

Shikamaru nodded, still only with one lazily opened eye watching the kunoichi. "He's right."

Ino pouted and turned away. She could be so childish, sometimes, Shikamaru thought. But that's what made Ino... well, Ino. Just the way she was. _It's nice to know that despite everything... some things are the same. _He sighed loudly. "Yare yare- what a troublesome woman I have here..." and before she could protest wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, pausing for a moment before pointing at the paper in front of them.

"What's that say, Ino-chan?" He said gently- patiently, almost with the air of an adult teaching an unruly child.

Ino blinked, blushing slightly in her position, her hand raising to grab lightly at Shikamaru's around her shoulder. "Five shinobi are approaching you from the directions as shown below..."

"Right. Does it say what shinobi?"

"No..."

"Does it say if they're allies or enemies?"

"No."

"What's to stop you from writing that?"

Ino blinked slowly. She understood the question and the (rather cheap if you asked her) answer, but what confused her most was Shikamaru's behaviour. He'd acted like this a few times over the past few days... and it wasn't entirely unbelievable, nor wasn't it nice. Infact she could just close her eyes and enjoy it for as long as she wanted to. Only... it didn't feel... right. There was just this slight stiffness to his shoulders, a drawl to his words, the faraway look in his eyes. And while Shikamaru _was _Shikamaru, it just felt... wrong. Different, somehow- false. Unreal. Like somehow he wasn't really here. And it didn't help that she knew how brilliant of a liar Shikamaru could be, if he had to.

_Does he have to...?_Ino wondered. _Why?_Bringing herself back to the present, she scowled. "That's cheating, Shikamaru! I don't think they'd let you set a question with an answer like _that..."_

Ino wasn't very good at forcing reactions out of people, but she could do a little. In that if Shikamaru poked her with a grin and told her she looked cute when she was angry (which she admitted worked on her sometimes given those other guys she had talked too before), something was definitely wrong. It was hardly a good measure. But she just felt like she had to do something.

But Shikamaru merely sighed characteristically- pulled his arm from around her shoulder and shrugged, crossing his arms behind his head and glancing out the window. "How troublesome," he muttered.

Outwardly Ino sighed and threw herself back on the chair- but she allowed a small hint of a smile on her lips. At least _some_ things stayed the same.

"I'm hungry," Chouji announced.

_That too, _Ino thought.

Shikamaru laughed a little and ordered a bit more food, waiting for Chouji to finish as he scribbled down untidy unreadable characters in a corner of the paper. His other hand idly ran through the kunoichi's blonde hair- but it was entirely mechanical, entirely rehearsed, and he was barely aware of it. He had no doubt that Ino had picked up on some of it. That Chouji had- that most people had. But it was always some- and it was fine, really, because it was never enough.

He scribbled down random ideas and possibilities for the other questions (he was supposed to be done with a few by now but of course he put it off)- the way he worked about things like this was just to write, write by stream of conciousness- he enjoyed analyzing but even he recognized that while generating ideas it was best not to cut out anything or think too much (something that was admittedly difficult for him to do). As a result, approximately half of his musings had anything to do with the chuunin exams. The rest, however...

_Damnit how long can you keep this up Shikamaru damn damn damn there has to be a line you've got to stop _

"That all you're doing for the exams now?" Chouji asked between mouthfuls.

_eventually, you can lie sure but you can only keep it up for so long- is this all your life's going to be one lie_

"Yeah... Tsunade-sama said they'll need me to run back and forth a lot during the actual thing so she might as well cut me a bit of slack on the paperwork... I think word's gotten out about how much I slack off on it anyway."

_after the other? How much do you hate yourself now- because you fucking know it, don't you, what you're doing to her and to yourself_

"Eh? Well that works out just fine for you, Shikamaru! I never got what work went into those chuunin exams anyway, they don't _seem_ like much..." Ino wondered out loud.

_and not to mention what he's doing to you. But you like it- love it- need it- crave it, don't you, you sick bastard how can you manage to write this now_

"Alot of work, Ino... we have to sort through the applications and the invitations and the negotiations between the invited nobles... and the villages themselves. The chuunin exams- they're like a war between the great countries in themselves, after all... it's a lot to take care of, all the time."

_without so much as changing your expression when you're face to face with the very people that trust you and that you're so shamelessly_

"But what's there to do during the actual exams themselves? Other than the usual... watching for cheaters in the first stage, things like that..."

"Arguments break out and they turn into fights- we need to keep those down, meaningless deaths are troublesome. The chuunin exams are really important, Ino- we need to scare them, we need them to understand that they are_ninja, _that this isn't a game, that they're lives are actually at risk."

_lying to? Damnit, Sasuke, I_

"Sorry," Shikamaru said, standing up abruptly. "I'm not feeling too well..." He shook his head and pushed Ino down gently by her shoulders before she could voice her concern. "I'm fine. Stay and finish the food with Chouji. I'm just tired... it was a long day today. I'll go home and rest up... I'll see you tomorrow." He didn't wait for a reply before leaving the restaurant, didn't turn around- only made sure to crumple up the paper in his hand and stuff it in his pocket.

---

Sasuke gazed at the setting sun from the rooftops.

He was surprised, honestly, that he hadn't run into Kakashi again up here. With all that stalking... and the older jounin always hung around on rooftops, after all, reading that damned book of his.

Kakashi's habits were hardly the focus of his thoughts, at the moment.

Being in Konoha still felt strange. Not as if he wasn't here before- it was just that he never really _was_ here. Never really stayed. Never considered it a place to went back to. And now- just as he was beginning to dare to call the village a home- the cold reality of his existence got in the way. He was never meant to have a home. Never meant to stay in one place. Never meant to be happy.

He had other things to do with his life.

Sasuke's darked eyes followed the familiar tied hair and slouching gait as it left the restaurant door, gaze trailing the chuunin as he dragged his feet steadily towards his house. Despite himself the Uchiha's gaze lingers slightly on the curve of the chuunin's neck, the rise and fall of that chest just barely visible through the familiar layers of the padded green vest...

"_I think he's losing his mind."_

Sasuke smirked to himself quietly, thinking back to what Neji had said. He was sure that Neji was the one losing his mind. There was no way that any of it was true. But now- somehow now he vaguely entertained the thought. Neji did know Shikamaru relatively well (not as well as Sasuke did, of course- Shikamaru was _his), _and was one of the others that were at least close to their level of thinking- perhaps he did know something, after all, he mused to himself.

_...to let it affect your life, _he thought, watching the chuunin's figure vanish into the crowds. _You care that much about it?_

"_...You care that much about it?"_

_Sasuke nodded, gazing at his brother. He felt kind of nervous- and thought that it was strange he should feel that way infront of him... but it was only natural, after all. Itachi was so well known throughout the clan, throughout the village- pride of the Uchiha. Everything Sasuke did was measured up to him... and everything Sasuke did infront of him- it felt like he was being judged._

_Itachi gazed calmly forward, never turning around to face Sasuke, his face blank and gaunt as always. He was a great older brother, but his face never changed. Some people were scared of him because of it. Sasuke knew better. _

"_Nii-san, you promised..."_

"_I said another day. I didn't promise you today."_

_Sasuke felt as though he'd been stung. He looked downward, rubbing his foot against his ankle and shuffling abit in apparent shame. "But I thought-"_

"_What you thought is no reason to miss out on so many things at the Academy, Sasuke."_

_Sasuke had been looking forward to his brother finally keeping his promise- so much so that he'd managed to _somehow_avoid some academy exercises and space out during lessons, much to his teacher's chagrin. He turned away, but scowled slightly. "But nii-san, the Academy's so boring..."_

"_You still have to go. So that you can become stronger."_

Become stronger. _Sasuke_did _want to become stronger- so that one day he'd be something to his family, something to his older brother, something other than "Uchiha Itachi's younger __brother". But it was all Itachi ever talked about- the only thing that seemed to matter in Itachi's cold, empty eyes. "I don't listen most of the time anyway... and I still always top all the classes in everything."_

"_Good."_

_Sasuke waited for something more, but Itachi didn't continue. The young ninja frowned and crossed his arms. "Hmph- I don't get it, nii-san. You always ask me to be good and train and be stronger but how can I do that if you won't teach me?"_

"_That's what the Academy Sensei is for."_

"_But I can't learn from them!" Sasuke insisted. "I already _know _what they're teaching the others and they won't tell me anything more... the Academy is so... limiting."_

"_Hm." Itachi stood up- turned around. "The Academy is... _limiting?_"_

_Sasuke nodded dumbly as Itachi stepped forward slowly- he couldn't help the sensation of fear- it was something he had grown used to- he had too, after all, it was just something Itachi carried with him. _Did I say something wrong...?

_He drew a quick breath when Itachi paused infront of him- when Itachi's slender, pale hands reached for his cheek- they felt cool, to the touch, almost cold, as they gently slid up the side of his face, tilting his chin upwards- Itachi's brows were slightly furrowed, his mouth twisted into something that looked almost like concern, but his eyes were always blank and expressionless. It felt- strange._

"_Yes, it is limiting," he heard Itachi whisper in a barely-audible voice- probably to himself more than anything. "Everything is..."_

_There was something in his brother's voice that frightened him, a light in his eyes he had never seen before. "But that won't happen," Itachi muttered- his lips barely moved as he spoke. "Will it... Sasuke?"_

_Sasuke froze, stiffened, unsure of what to make of the situation- did he do something wrong? What was Itachi doing? There was just something in the way Itachi whispered his name that sent a shudder down his spine and hold his breath. And for a fleeting moment that was all there was- a breath drawn in anticipation, a cold hand on his cheek that felt like it lingered for far longer than it did._

"_I won't let them stop you," Itachi said quietly, withdrawing his hand and turning away in one smooth motion, gaze trailing upwards to the sky. In the silence that followed, Sasuke stood awkwardly behind him, not sure if he should leave- but Itachi spoke again after a few minutes. "It really means that much to you, hm?"_

_Sasuke nodded before realizing his brother probably couldn't see it. "H-hai."_

"_Very well, then," Itachi said, walking off. "Just this once."_

_Sasuke paused as his brother left, rooted to the spot and confused- but it only took one questioning backwards glance before he beamed and sprinted forward to walk at Itachi's side._

Hm. Random memories._ How very... troublesome._

Sasuke caught sight of a figure darting back and forth on distant rooftops- managed to catch sight of a wild shock of silver hair. He glanced at a clock perched on a window visible from his chosen rooftop.

_It's almost time._

He pushes himself off the concrete wall and turns toward the forest- turning over his shoulder to glance at the approaching figure. A frown hovered on his features ever-so-briefly before it was replaced by a knowing smirk.

_Not this time, Kakashi. _

He leapt into the forest- that he had called his home for years- and vanished into it's shadows and it's depths.

_I won't let you stop me._

---

_need you._

Shikamaru sat uneasily on the bed, running his hands over his slightly shaking arms- he had already cast the vest and jacket aside (maybe out of discomfort, maybe out of anticipation). He waited in the dark, glancing back and forth to his shivering hands to the window that had been open since the morning, to the clock by his bedside, just barely visible in the soft moonlight.

Eleven fifty-four.

It was far longer than he ever waited. He fidgeted uneasily on the bed, reaching into his pocket to pull out crumpled paper that poked uncomfortably against his side as he moved- read the word's he'd scribbled all of it, from the potential questions down to the ranting and _damnit, Sasuke, I need you._

He laughed drily- he couldn't help it, the reaction almost instinctive. He held the paper in a tightly clenched fist, staring at the clock as the time ticked slowly by. _Needed him? Needed him? I don't need him for anything._

_But you do, _that voice argued.

_I hate him._

_But you need him, _it chided. _Almost crave it... you want it._

He turned his gaze away from the clock, as though it could help him turn away from the thoughts in his mind.

_Why are you waiting for him, then?_

He wasn't waiting for him. He wasn't waiting for anyone. He'd just rather get it over with than fall asleep and be forced awake, that was all- he wanted to enjoy his sleep without being interrupted by some troublesome person. That was all.

Midnight. Fifteen past midnight. Still no signs of anyone or anything.

He lay on his side now, wide awake, staring straight out the window into the trees. He twitched and flinched every time there was a movement in the branches- a bird, a squirrel, a passing breeze, but never anything more. He listened to the quiet of the night, the distant crickets- his ragged breaths and the sound of paper crumpling in his fidgeting hands.

_Still waiting?_

In a sudden flash of anger pulled himself upright and hurled the paper out the window where it rustled past the tree branches and was lost in the night.

Twelve forty.

Cursing he turned away from the clock and the window and threw himself back on the bed- and waited. Only nothing came. And in the hours and hours of listening to harsh breaths and distant sounds and the steady tick-tick-ticking of that damned clock, the only thing that greeted him was the feel of the first rays of sunshine against his cheek.

Shikamaru couldn't help thinking- maybe he's finally gone. Maybe he's finally done with whatever this was. Maybe he's finally moved on. Maybe the bastard would leave him alone and he could rebuild his life and tear down the lies he had built up around him. Maybe he could learn to love her. Maybe he would earn his forgiveness. Maybe that silent wish of him going away was somehow heard and answered- maybe, just maybe, there was hope.

But he couldn't sleep.

_---_

**A/N: Eh... last part feels abit... rushed. I think I might do some touch up on it while working on the next chapter. **

**Thanks again reviewers, and I hope you enjoyed this. As always, the next is on the way and feel free to drop me a message! **


	11. eleven: Sleepless

**---**

**eleven  
SLEEPLESS**

_it's alright to feel a little fear  
and don't fight it, it's over your head  
it's alright, you wake in in your bed  
silhouettes like shivering ancient feelings_

_they cover my foreign floors and walls  
submarines are lurking in my foggy ceiling  
they keep me sleepless at night  
hey, can you picture the sight?_

_the figures on the beach in the searing night  
and the roaring hurt of my silent fight_

_can you pull me out  
of this sleepless night  
can you pull me out?_

Sleepless, King Crimson

**---**

He couldn't sleep.

Shikamaru stared out the window, tapping his pen against the table. It was far from the first time when he had gone without a night of sleep- what bothered him was that usually he was rather tired and fell asleep at the first inclination of boredom or troublesome work. But here he was, staring paperwork right in the face- and while tired, sleep never came.

Of course, there was also the _reason _why he couldn't sleep last night...

"Shikamaru? You alright?"

He glanced up blearily from the paper to see his old sensei peering down at him with an expression of concern. It took him a moment to register this and stretched exaggeratedly, pulling himself upright. "I'm fine, Iruka-sensei," he yawned, scratching at the back of his neck.

"You look tired..." Iruka frowned at his former student over the pile of papers he carried in his arms. It wasn't that Shikamaru looking tired was_unusual,_ or anything, but it looked like he hadn't slept at all- and really, Iruka thought, since when had Shikamaru _not_ been able to sleep?

"I am." Shikamaru looked back down for a moment, scanning through the words before flicking the piece of paper in the general direction of a pile he had mentally designated as the _Unqualified Applicants_ pile.

"Shouldn't you try to rest, then?"

"Are you kidding?" Shikamaru forced a laugh. "I'm so behind on everything... just look at all this! Godaime-sama will have me killed in my sleep."

Iruka laughed. "But if you're ill, Shikamaru..." he gestured with his head towards the stack he carried. "I'm pretty much done here. I can cover for you."

"I can't do that to you, sensei," Shikamaru said, shaking his head slowly, inwardly pleading that Iruka wouldn't take his protesting seriously. "It's amazing that you have time to do any of these with those Academy monsters biting at your ankles..." _Don't stop being that ever-so-predictable kind-hearted fatherly sensei now..._

"Oh, I have my ways to deal with them," Iruka winked. "You really look ill- weren't you sick some time ago, anyway? Maybe it's just relapsing. Get some rest."

"But there's a lot to do- you have any idea how behind I am?"

"You have a pile of papers on your desk and the Exams officially start in two days. I have a good idea."

"So-"

"I insist."

Shikamaru paused before laughing again, rubbing his eyes slowly before nodding gratefully. _Thank the Gods. _"No one knows how you do it, sensei."

"Maybe you should become an Academy sensei, eh, Shikamaru?"

"Eh?!"

Some laughter and some time later Shikamaru slouched tiredly down the road, grateful for Iruka-sensei's help. The Chuunin Exams would start soon and he wasn't about to get out of the administrative part of his duties, but he could at the very least dodge paperwork. His hand flew to his head that had been throbbing with a dull headache since the early morning. Massaging gently at his forehead, he sighed bitterly. Why- why what?

_Why so many things,_he thought. _Why my head hurts. Why I'm doing this. Why he chose me... why he didn't come._

The florists' was just around the corner, he knew, and his home in the other direction. He turned the corner.

_Why I'm feeling this way- shouldn't I be happy that he may be gone? Maybe I am. Maybe it's shock. Probably- yeah, that's probably it. Why I'm walking towards the flower shop. Why I'm looking for her. Why I'm using her._

He saw a blonde girl wave at him cheerily from behind the counter of the flower shop as he walked on and returned the greeting, though with somewhat less gusto.

_Why am I here? _

He almost laughed.

_Oh, you damn well know why, Shikamaru, _he told himself._ If there's one thing you need now – it's a distraction._

---

Kakashi couldn't find Sasuke.

If this had been a few days ago, it would've been nothing more than normal.

Now, it was entirely different.

The jounin frowned from his perch on a steady tree bough, peering through the foliage. Not a sign of the Uchiha anywhere. He'd been searching for hours, now, and hadn't found a shred of anything to follow, not even the last remnants of a lingering scent trail. But this time was not like the others- he _had_ to find Sasuke.

"Anything, Kakashi-sensei?"

And this time, he had been desperate enough to call for help.

The pink-haired kunoichi appeared next to him, panting, clearly exhausted from her own search. She looked up hopefully at the jounin, only to sigh defeatedly when he shook his head. "Where did you check, Sakura?"

She pulled herself upright against the trunk of the tree, standing up and staring steadily at the lights of a night-time Konoha just visible through the trees. "All through the village... even the old Uchiha place." She shuddered- even as a battle-hardened ninja she had to admit that that place was simply... creepy. Buildings still in proper shape completely abandoned, home only to dust and cobwebs- ancient bloodstains splattered all over the cold grey walls... and she swore sometimes she could hear whispers, echoes of the horrific tragedy that had taken place there. "Maybe we should get some help."

"I've checked most of the surrounding forest," Kakashi replied. He shrugged. "Help- from who? _Naruto?"_

"We have to tell him sooner or later," she said. "He'd want to know."

"I know." Kakashi looked away- Naruto would want to know... and was there any point in not telling him? Was protecting him really... _protecting _him? He glanced back at his former student, eyes softening slightly. Years ago he would've never thought that Sakura would train under Tsunade herself, that she would grow to be the most dependable out of the three genin that had trained under him... someone that he would be coming to for help. In... more areas than one.

Kakashi had planned on somehow asking Sakura about Sasuke in an attempt to understand how the Uchiha thought- so he could better understand the current fiasco with Shikamaru, and understand how to help him. Also, to satisfy his own curiosity. He'd taught the kid for years, after all- what was it that he didn't know? He couldn't ask Naruto, and so he would have to ask Sakura. No one else would know Sasuke to any degree at all. Sasuke had never been the talkative type- if it weren't for the fact that they were on the same team and forced to spend so much time together, Sasuke would probably have never said a single word to any of them. Only Team 7 knew him.

Then, of course, Sasuke had to vanish, leaving little time for Kakashi to bug his former student about random things. He knew that their search would be fruitless- she knew it too. It didn't stop them from searching. But they were both exhausted, as much as Kakashi did not show it, and they would probably rest here for awhile... so better late than never, Kakashi figured.

"Sakura," he began.

"Hn?"

"About Sasuke..."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. This was certainly... unusual.

"We need to understand him."

"What do you mean, sensei?" The kunoichi frowned. She sat down next to him on the branch- she sensed a kind of awkwardness to his normally calm voice. It was probably something serious he was asking about- but for now she had no idea what he meant.

"I thought I understood him more than others," Kakashi admitted, after a somewhat long pause. "But Sasuke's so distant, of late."

_This is odd, _Kakashi thought candidly to himself. It felt odd. Was there any reason to his hesitation, really? No, he couldn't quite think of one. He watched as Sakura nodded- she understood. They all understood Sasuke- in their own way. Perhaps sharing their knowledge... would be a _strange_ experience, yes, but might help them understand Sasuke more as a whole.

"But why, Sensei?"

Ah, there it was. The dreaded why. _Spit it out, Kakashi._"Because I want to help him, and I don't know how."

He calmly waited for the reply, expecting to be teased at least a little. For all his apathy it was well known to anyone who even vaguely knew him was that one of Kakashi's greatest desires was to protect those around him. His team mates. His colleagues. His..._friends. _Sakura definitely at least knew that much. But for him to admit it? Never. Not unless they were staring into the face of hell itself.

"He's lonely," Sakura said with a sigh.

Kakashi blinked, and waited for her to continue.

"I know you were lonely too, sensei," she said- Kakashi flinched a little- what did Sakura know-? "I only know a little. But even before... everything, your family was already... broken." She paused, glancing at the jounin, whose silence she took as a sign that it was alright to continue. She had heard a little about Kakashi's past through her work, and seen the names of his father and his team mates while sorting through records... she didn't know much, but she knew enough. "But Sasuke's family wasn't. He was happy- he always was. If... if _it _hadn't happened..."

She paused, drawing a deep breath, eyelids flickering briefly. Kakashi took it all in. _After all this time, Sakura? _He thought. _Even now?_

"But killing _him_ is his only purpose in life now... and I never... I never understood that."

"He believes it's why Itachi kept him alive," Kakashi said coolly. "He thinks that part of his brother wanted to be punished for his crime- and that Itachi left someone alive so that one day he could be killed. He almost... almost literally believes that vengeance is the only reason for his existence. That vengeance was the only reason why his life was spared."

_And we need to sway him from that path,_ Kakashi thought. _That's what we always needed to do, eh, Sakura? _

"I never knew why he couldn't break away," she said softly. "To live a life so full of hatred... it must be painful. Lonely. Hard."

"Hn." The jounin simply had nothing to add. How do you explain the incredible loneliness to someone who has led a relatively happy, normal life? How do you explain the crushing regret and self-hatred, the overwhelming drive to survive- how do you explain how you would shrink from the touch of others, even if it felt comforting- not daring to lose it again? How could you explain the jealousy as you watched other people living in their cheerful families? The answer was simple. You don't. It was something that had to be experienced, to be understood. And even though Kakashi had heard of the Uchiha massacre before he first saw the boy- it was the first time the jounin saw his eyes, that he knew. Jaded and cynical, pushing away everything- and hiding behind it all a great emptiness and overwhelming regret. He sometimes found it interesting, that Team 7 had been formed Team 7.

Naruto reached out to Sasuke, in his own way. People who didn't know the boy well called him an idiot- and well, Kakashi had to admit, he really was an idiot at times. But he lived through his own loneliness, as well- and had the incredible strength to see it through without dampening his spirit. He had such strength, such will- just like Yondaime. Despite being picked on... just like Obito. And Kakashi liked to think that he meant as much to Sasuke as Obito meant to him. Rivals. Comrades. Friends. When Kakashi had arrived at the Valley of the End to see Sasuke in the distance collapse in the falling rain, not fair from Naruto's already unconscious body, he wondered- was Sasuke too weak? Or could he not bring himself to deal the final blow?

And Sakura. Of course, Sakura. At first just a member of Sasuke's legion of mindless fangirls. A simple victim of a young girl's romantic fantasy- even more so after she began to know him. Where she once only saw the... _cool_ guy in school, the unattainable prize, she began to see a team mate- a friend, someone to be admired for his strength- but pitied for his bitter life. She saw past his coldness, saw beyond his jaded eyes- she saw past what Naruto saw, and she saw what Kakashi did. She did not understand... she could not understand. But she cared for her friend- and dreamed of when she would be the one to melt his cold heart. And to some level, Kakashi thought, Sasuke probably appreciated it.

Only like himself- he probably wouldn't know what to do with it.

Kakashi could hardly care about social intricacies, and he was also completely helpless at them. Forced to grow up at a tender age- he had no childhood and didn't exactly play nice with the other kids. Sasuke was the same- relating to others was just something he had never learned. He was going to- after all, he so admired his brother and seemed to share such a bond with him... and then everything was stolen from him, right before his eyes.

_Why, Itachi? Did you not care for your brother after all? But then... why? Why is he alive? _Would it have been better to kill him then to let him lead this torturous existence? Sasuke, too, must strive to understand his brother- and cares about him, still, amidst all this hatred. Kakashi could only imagine how torn he was... especially since...

"Sasuke's greatest fear," Kakashi said, breaking the long silence.

"Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura blinked. Sasuke's greatest... _fear?_

"Sasuke wants to please people," he said. He wasn't sure if Sakura would understand- but it was how he had always understood it. The boy had always had this incredible inner drive to satisfy the expectations of everyone around him- and given his disability to properly relate to people, it turned out strangely. People expected great things of him- and so he strived to be strong. People expected him to be cold and hateful- and so he was. Without all these expectations, Kakashi sometimes wondered- who would he have become? Everyone had always placed expectations on him... it was no wonder, perhaps, that Sasuke had fled- to break away from it all. "He fears failing expectations."

Sakura nodded. It made sense, she supposed. It was still odd, hearing it being placed this way, and yet... it might be true. Could be. Probably. She wasn't sure if she knew him anymore.

"But most of all," Kakashi continued, "He fears failing his brother... failing his brother and the great Uchiha legacy that has been placed on his shoulders."

_Such a great burden_, Kakashi thought. _If only you understood that you never had to face it alone. _

"I saw him before he left," Sakura said quietly. "I saw him... I told him to stay. I told him not to go. He... he thanked me."

_Thanked her? _Kakashi thought. All this time all the care that Sasuke had received was either ignored or pushed away... and he always thought that he would push it all away for fear of attaching again. For fear of being hurt. For fear of being distracted from his one true purpose in life. For him to thank Sakura... it was... odd. He had always thought that Sasuke was convinced that most people cared about him for arbitrary reasons- like how his fangirls only cared about him because he was apparently "cool". How Kakashi cared because he was his sensei. How Sakura and Naruto (in his own way) cared because they were his team mates. How if it came down to it, if none of it had happened, none of them would care. Kakashi couldn't help but wonder- really, if none of them had been in the same team, they probably would never give Sasuke a second glance. It was a depressing thought- but most likely true.

"...but I couldn't stop him," Sakura finished.

In the long silence that followed, Kakashi half-expected Sakura to be crying. But she wasn't- she was just staring off into the distance with clenched fists and determination in her eyes. She was so much stronger now than what she used to be- he recalled the young genin Sakura, hopelessly chasing after Sasuke's affections, constantly unable to measure up to Naruto or Sasuke's standards, usually lingering behind in missions and allowing them to take the lead... how much she'd grown since then.

"But that was me then," she said, pulling herself upright- apparently the thoughts of both of them sharing their understandings forgotten. "This is me now." She leapt forward into the forest without a backward glance- no doubt to continue her search.

Some other time he would talk to her- not now. Kakashi stared in the direction where she had gone. She was right. Their search was far from over. But Kakashi knew... that they wouldn't find him.

Part of him wanted to believe that Sasuke was still trying to find a way out. That he still struggled against it. That he still wanted a normal life... that in his own way, he was trying to break free. And maybe, just maybe... that was why. _Shikamaru,_ Kakashi thought to himself. Him, of all people... and the jounin didn't understand. But Sasuke never did things without a reason- and the jounin would be disappointed, but not surprised, if it turned out to be part of some grand scheme involving Itachi's death. He couldn't for the life of him figure it out, though.

_But you're gone. Whatever you were trying... did it work?_ He shook his head- as much as he pondered it, he never understood. It was useless trying to get into Sasuke's head. They had both experienced great pain and loss in their lives, true- there was no telling which pain was greater, but it didn't matter. Their pains were different, and there was no way it could be fully understood by anyone but themselves.

_The one thing I still hold true, _Kakashi thought, standing up on the branch. _The protection of my... friends. Of my precious people. _

He paused- and allowed himself a moment of weakness before he took off to continue his search. Sighing deeply, he pressed a hand to his sweating brow.

_Don't tell me I've failed in even that one thing... Sasuke. _

---

"Get some rest, Shikamaru!"

Ino sighed as he raised a hand in acknowledgement, not turning around- vanishing around the corner down the road. He looked horrible- even though he had only missed a night's worth of sleep- and really it surprised her that he was still awake enough to see her. As pleasant of a surprise as it was, she pretty much expected him to be rushing home and collapsing on his bed to snore most of the day away- but Shikamaru had said he_couldn't_ sleep. Which was a problem she never thought Shikamaru would have.

_Honestly,_ she thought to herself, _The very least he can do is take care of himself..._

Now, of course, there were other matters to attend to. Apart from flowers.

"What is it, Neji?"

It was awhile later before the white-robed jounin emerged from behind a shelf of flowers, looking somewhat indignant and mildly surprised. "I didn't use concealing techniques, but I didn't expect to be noticed," he said, carrying a tone of annoyance in his voice.

"I may not be as smart as you or Shikamaru, but I'm not stupid," Ino said smugly with a small grin, winking playfully at the Hyuuga as she leaned against the counter- her grin widening as he blinked and moved back a little, clearly uncomfortable. _Heh. Neji is such a prude._

_How inappropriate,_ Neji thought to himself, staring at Ino with an air of impatience. "You didn't call me out earlier?"

"I've seen you around, Neji, and clearly you aren't quite seeing eye-to-eye with Shikamaru for some reason. Also he was either too tired to notice you- or he noticed, and ignored you," she pointed out, stepping out from behind a counter and misting some flowers with a spray bottle. "Neither suggested that I should drag you into the open just then."

"...ah."

"So why are you here, Neji?"

Ino watched amusedly as Neji faltered slightly- it was rather entertaining to poke fun at someone who was normally so wooden-faced and serious. But still... why was Neji here? He was hardly the kind of person to buy flowers... unless someone had caught his eye. She laughed to herself- it was impossible to imagine Neji buying flowers for anyone, and the mental image of a Neji shyly trying to win the affections of some girl was both disturbing and amusing. When it became clear that she wasn't going to get an answer from him any time soon, she went on to another question- in a more serious tone, something that she'd been wanting to ask for some time. "What did you say to him, Neji?"

"I'm... sorry?"

"Shikamaru's been acting... odd." She didn't turn around to face him and continued to rearrange and prune the flowers in front of her, keeping her gaze low. It wasn't only the strange feeling that Shikamaru was preoccupied with something throughout the day- the way she couldn't help but doubt what Shikamaru was supposed to feel for her... that while he let her lean against him, his shoulders always felt so stiff and rigid and cold. Ever since... "Ever since I dragged him out to dinner after he gave me those flowers," she said with a small smile. "I pointed it out, then. He said not to worry about it- just that they day before you were playing shougi, and he had some things to think about."

"...Ah."

Ino waited for an answer- impatient, yes, but preoccupied enough with her own musings not to rush the jounin into an answer. Just what, exactly, was going on?

"Can I ask you something, Ino?" Neji probed. He would answer Ino's questions as well, but he had his own.

"Eh, sure..." Ino shrugged, finally turning around to face him, frowning slightly. There was just something in Neji's tone that worried her.

"Before all of this-" _Just what was "All of this"? _Ino thought- "did Shikamaru come to you? Or help, or something. Of any sort."

She blinked- it was an odd question to ask, but, well, "Yes." Did that have to do with anything? Wasn't it just Shikamaru being shy? Even going to the point of making up some story about a stalker... a gay stalker, at that. She thought it was weird, but sweet. "He said he was having problems with someone following him around and then stopping or something like that... I can't quite remember. I thought it was just him being shy," she added with a smile. "He even said that it wasn't a girl, but a guy- I always found that a bit of an elaborate lie to tell, but I can't exactly say I understand how Shikamaru's mind works."

Neji nodded quietly. _Of course... he was looking for help, after all. He _is _using you, Ino, but you have no idea... but maybe he didn't mean to. If he really was looking for help in the first place..._ A problem with someone following him. How exactly did all this start, then... had Sasuke made the first move? Was he stalking Shikamaru? ...for what purpose? "And does it ever feel... strange?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're dating him, right?" he said, somewhat matter-of-factly.

Ino blinked, but nodded. "I... guess." _Nevermind all my doubts now._

"So does it ever feel... not right? Like he's not really there? Like he's thinking of someone else?" He might be pushing it, but he wanted to know if Ino knew. If she suspected.

Ino's eyes widened, taken aback by his words. "Well- ah- yes," she said, hesitating slightly, her gaze trailing to the floor before darting back up again. _But... how did you- ?_

_So she's noticed, at least a bit...but not enough. She doesn't know. _Neji nodded grimly, allowing the silence between them to stretch on for awhile- to the point where it became somewhat awkward.

"So why _are _you here, Neji?" the kunoichi said, finally breaking the silence with a cheerful air. "Buying flowers for someone?" She continued, with a wink.

"I- what?" Neji sputtered, eyes widening. "No, it's- it's not-"

"So who is it? I can keep a secret," she grinned. "Tenten? Or- is it me? Heh, you're sweet, Neji!"

"Tenten- what? It's-" he paused, closing his eyes and drawing a deep breath- finally realizing that he was being teased. He heard Ino giggle- and his lips twitched ever so slightly into a small smile. A small, reluctant and annoyed smile, but a smile.

_I can wonder all I want but that's not why I came,_ Neji reminded himself. "What I said to him that day- I'll tell you. But first- what I'm here for..." he opened his eyes, gazing straight at Ino with his piercing pupil-less eyes. _Whether he didn't mean to or not... he's still using you. And you need to know._ "I've something to tell you, Ino."

---

Five days.

Five nights spent alone... five nights without sleep.

Two days spent staggering around half-dead... three days wandering around within his home, trying desperately to fall asleep. To be so tired- and yet be unable to sleep, to the point where hallucinations danced in front of his eyes and he was haunted by waking dreams.

He remembered, days before, when the Chuunin Exams began- tired as he was he had struggled in his duties... called to be lectured when he had missed a cue- but then instantly sent home once Tsunade caught sight of his condition, pale and weak with droopy eyelids.

He remembered seeing Ino at his door, more than once- more than twice. He saw her through the window, but he never opened the door. She would stay there for hours, sometimes alone, sometimes with Chouji- sometimes, oddly enough, with Neji (the bastard)- but she would leave again by the time the evening came. She was probably worried. He would be, too- but she couldn't help him, now.

Shikamaru stirred restlessly on his bed- his pale skin soaked with cold sweat, his breaths ragged. He did not understand how someone could be so tired yet unable to sleep- his muscles seemed to ache with every forced movement and even his breath felt laboured. He would spend what felt like hours flipping around, falling asleep for scarcely more than a minute at a time, glancing at the clock by his bed to find that hardly any time had passed at all. And when the night came and the skies beyond his window darkened, he would stare at the window he'd always kept open since that first night, at the curtains flapping in the evening breeze- and as the time ticked on he would just stare, slowly fading in and out of consciousness, only ever gaining a precious few moments of rest- staring, watching, at the window that was always empty.

Every moment that went by he grew even more tired- those scarce moments of sleep were hardly enough. He muttered to himself things- words of tiredness and confusion and hatred, but he was hardly aware of what they are, so tired he was- but he knew, he knew that if this continued for much longer, he would go _mad._

And one thought- one thought kept him sane. As ironic as it was, he hated it, how he depended on it- but he needed it. Only the thought of Sasuke kept his mind alive. Only the overwhelming hatred and confusion and want and desire- only it felt real. Had he grown so dependant on those nightly visits, that he could not live without them? Like some kind of pathetic victim, growing to depend on his abuse?

But it wasn't really abuse- he enjoyed it. He liked it. He hated himself for it- hated those almost masochistic feelings. Not to mention- was it really abuse, was it really forced- when all this time he'd always keep the window open, he would take off his jacket before waiting on the bed, that he would allow himself to be pushed back- was it really? And the question- so many questions still burned in his mind, but one kept constantly pushing itself forward... _Why?_

Five days- five days without Sasuke, five days without sleep. Maybe those days he'd lived- the weeks of his masquerade when ever night was a dream, every morning a nightmare, and everything between a blur, a daze that felt so surreal- he'd always thought (with bitter hatred) that he was looking forward to those nights when he didn't have to lie, when he didn't have to pretend... and maybe, just maybe, he'd actually grown to depend on them.

He clasped his hand around the small wooden piece- the pawn that Neji had taken out- when was it? It felt so long ago, now, so distant and faded and gone. If not for the overwhelming tiredness that he felt, he simply could not tell if he was awake or asleep- it felt like he was pushing his way through a thick fog, swimming in it, suffocating in it. And he reached his hands through the fog- felt the gentle caress of flower petals against his cold, outreached fingertips. The flower vase, by his bed- he picked up the flowers in a shaking hand, staring at them blearily.

White umbels he couldn't quite identify- some corianders, lavender... and a black rose. What were they supposed to remind him of? What he'd done for Ino. Right. But what they did remind him of, every time... was Sasuke.

Shikamaru shuddered, his eyes softening as he continued to stroke the soft dark petals in his fingers. In all his years as a ninja, to have something like _this_ cause him so much trouble... what kind of a shinobi was he? What would... what would Asuma make of this? He gazed at the flowers- and wondered just how he had been so plainly near-terrified by them before. They seemed to so... comforting, now, and something warm washed over him- he felt so tired...

He knew very well what those flowers meant... an obsession he was still unwilling to name and admit. But somehow... they made him feel better.

He curled up on his side and closed his eyes, nestled in his sheets like a young child hiding in the safety of his bed. The fresh scent of roses and corianders lingered in his nose with every breath, and a hint of lavender- he was so tired... and his thoughts full of the flowers grasped loosely in his hands and their meaning, he finally, finally drifted to sleep, for the first time in days.

---

**A/N: Bleh, this was really hard to write for some reason and I'm still not too happy with it. Sorry for the lateness, and as always enjoy! It's a little longer than usual to make up for it, hopefully. XD Thanks for reading and leave a message!**

**I update my profile on progress about chapters, so feel free to check by. D  
**


	12. twelve: Memories

---

**twelve**

**MEMORIES**

_I always used to dream of the past  
but like they say, yesterday never comes  
sometimes there's a song in my brain  
and I feel that my heart knows the refrain_

_I guess it's just the music that brings on nostalgia for the past_

_about the future I can only reminiscence  
for what I've had is what I'll never get  
and although this may sound strange  
my future and my past are presently disarranged_

_and I'm surfing on a wave of nostalgia for an age yet to come_

_ah, nostalgia for an age yet to come_

Nostalgia, Buzzcocks

**---**

When Shikamaru started to emerge from the depths of sleep, he noticed several things.

First, that he could see through the window the final light of the sun as it sank beneath the horizon- he must've slept through the day into the following evening. He had finally earned himself some rest, but clearly it wasn't enough to counterbalance five sleepless nights.

Second, he vaguely remembered holding flowers when he had slipped into sleep. He was curled on his side under the sheets, and his hands felt quite empty.

Third, he could still _smell_ the flowers. It was sweet and subtle, and it nearly made him drift off yet again...

Fourth- the window was _closed._

Fifth- that made no sense. The window was never closed, not since... Had his parents come home early had checked on his room- no, he locked the door- keys? Maybe, but they tended to respect his want for solitude.

Sixth- there was another weight on the bed, and it was comforting- pressed lightly against his back. There was also something- a hand? Yes, a hand, resting calmly on his shoulder. It was warm- comforting. Gentle. So unlike-

_...Sasuke?_

He summoned up what strength he could to turn his head, blinking and trying to focus the image that hovered before his eyes through the bleary fog. Sure enough, a figure sat next to him on the bed, slouched over, head low, facing the blank wall. He wore black- always wore black- and soon enough he recognised the tell-tale hairstyle and the pale skin. On impulse Shikamaru reached out, just to be sure it wasn't a dream- his own shoulder nudged the figure slightly, but he stretched his hand until he felt the feather-light touch of hair and the feel of skin.

_So... you're real after all. Not just a dream,_ Shikamaru thought- he saw a slight twitch in Sasuke's body the moment his shoulder had moved- for some reason he didn't quite want to move his hand, as much energy as it seemed to take from his weary body. Sasuke's head turned ever-so-slowly, and for a brief moment their eyes met. In a fleeting moment that lasted forever (but was all too short), they gazed at each other, Sasuke's hand resting gently on his shoulder, his hand just barely tracing Sasuke's cheek.

_God, I'm tired... _Shikamaru turned his head back into the pillow and lowered his arm back to the mattress with a fistful of bedsheets- or at least he tried to. "Damnit, Sasuke," he murmured- barely audible, more to himself than to the pillow, let alone to Sasuke. "Stop hogging the sheets."

Shikamaru could feel it in the way he tensed, the way the silence stretched- Shikamaru could practically see his eyes widen slightly, the same smirk curl on his lips. "...No."

"Tch," Shikamaru grumbled. "So damn troublesome..." he tried to bury his head further in his pillow, trying to fall asleep again. _Damn Sasuke. What's he doing here anyway? _

It was then that it finally hit him.

---

_So that's where you are... who would've thought._

Kakashi had, in fact, given up on finding Sasuke. He supposed it was true, that you always find it when you aren't looking for it.

He had spent three full days with Sakura searching relentlessly. They combed through the surrounding forests and the village, double-checked- no, triple checked- every nook and cranny. They were tired, exhausted- but determined. Giving up would've been a last resort. But Kakashi knew, hope would be painful- and they would've gone on searching for days, weeks, months, if he hadn't said it was time to stop. Time to face fact. Time to face the truth. They shouldn't have started the search in the first place. Sasuke was gone.

Kakashi had resigned to the fact that he had failed.

Even Sakura was more adamant than he was and continued searching. He couldn't bring himself to. He simply failed again- like he had before. So many times. What made him think this time, he could succeed- that this time, it could be better? False hope made the days easier, but in the end all it brought was pain- and Kakashi knew this all too well. For the rest of the days up until now he spent lurking in the shadows of the Uchiha residence, in the forest hollows where Sasuke had trained, on the rooftops- trying to find out where he had gone wrong. Trying to find out what he should've done, what he should've said... so that next time, there would be no such mistake.

If he gave himself that chance again.

No matter how he thought about it- it always seemed that _everything_ he did was what was wrong, not just one misunderstood gesture, one stray word.

What else did he do wrong? Who else had he failed? At first he couldn't face it- but eventually he forced himself to. In the evening he began his rounds around the village, checking on the people he had come to care for- the people he had sworn to protect. Sakura was missing from her room- no doubt searching still. It was after he had double-checked everyone, assured himself that nothing was wrong, that he thought to drop by that name that he had added onto his list a few weeks ago.

And there he was.

Sasuke.

Kakashi had seen him through the window- clear as day, sitting quietly next to a sleeping Shikamaru. He had seen the boy a few days before and overheard some conversations- wasn't Shikamaru supposed to be some kind of rampant insomniac now? But there he was, sleeping soundly- Sasuke at his side. It brought many intriguing questions to mind, and many more intriguing theories.

...damn _Icha Icha Paradise_ books.

When the sheer relief at catching sight of Sasuke began to fade a little, Kakashi began to doubt himself. He realized that he had given up on himself- and on Sasuke. That he was still here after all... the maybe, just maybe, they could still allow themselves some hope.

He found it somewhat annoying that once the thought that Sasuke might be saved after all settled in his mind, his first impulse was to once again re-tackle the question of why the hell Sasuke chose _Shikamaru._ Especially now.

_I didn't stop you,_ Kakashi thought. _But maybe he will._

_really wish I knew why, though. Damn._

He had watched as Shikamaru stirred himself awake and reached out- and in that awkward moment when the two boys looked at each other, Kakashi decided that he had places to go and things to see, thoroughly convinced of his own perverted theories. He'd best tell Sakura he'd found Sasuke, after all, and they still needed to try and understand him...

_Heh, Sasuke,_ Kakashi thought. S_hould I tell her I found you in Shika-kun's bedroom?_

---

Shikamaru almost hurled himself off the bed and onto his feet and quite openly stared. He had no idea where he found the energy to do so, but it seemed that it was anger that was lending him strength- and he could feel it coursing through him, into his clenched fists and rigid body, but the only voice he could give to it was "What the hell, Sasuke?"

Shikamaru expects Sasuke to smirk and ignore him- to stand up and walk away or push him against the wall and have his way, and either way Shikmaru's anger would vanish and be long forgotten. It was something he knew to be inevitable- but at the moment, he could hardly care. Sasuke was here- Sasuke was here, and he'd better say everything _now- I'm not going to let you slip away._

But Shikamaru was wrong.

Sasuke doesn't move, scarcely reacts at all, still slouched, sitting on the edge of the bed, his head low. The chuunin couldn't read his face, turned away as it was- but for a moment he fancies that somehow Sasuke was quiet, troubled, that the feeling in the air was one of a kind of resigned sorrow. It does not take him long to discount the thought- for after all, who had ever known Sasuke to be that kind of person- and why would he seek anything here?

Here. Why was he here? Five days- five days he had been gone. Why come back, all of a sudden?

( Shikamaru does not ask _"Why leave"_, not because the answer was apparent, but because somehow he didn't want to face that the reasons were leaving were so simple and _right._

And because it implied he was missed. _Which he was most definitely not._ )

"Surprised to see me?"

And normally Shikamaru would tch in annoyance and turn away, but of course now was far from normal.

But even still he was supposed to get more angry- but he didn't, because he always believed, it was not in what you said, but the _way_ you said it- and Sasuke's voice was so different from the cold, mocking drawl he had come to expect. It still carried similar- but somehow different- coldness, but where there was twisted amusement and quiet malice (and at times raw desire) there was nothing- an empty feeling. Almost of hollowness. Almost of regret.

But what would _Sasuke_ regret? Arrogant bastard.

_Anger will get you nowhere, Shikamaru,_ he told himself. Emotions were troublesome things most of the time... they made you act in ways you otherwise never would, and got in the way of reasoning. And how many shinobi had lost themselves to anger or depression, despite their skill? Many- they had all heard the tales. _Sasuke's playing with you. Don't give him the pleasure._ A few deep breaths. A silence that with anyone else might have felt too long and too awkward, but between them had become nothing but normal. The muscles in his arms relaxed, the furrows vanished from his brows and the anger faded from his face- he returned to the default neutral position that he greeted everyone else with, hands in his pockets, weight leaned to one side, a faraway look in his eyes. "You could say that."

There were all too many words running through his head- things he wanted to say, wanted Sasuke to know, but he damned well was never letting him know (and it made sense, somehow). _Surprised? Damn well I'm surprised, leave me alone for five days and then come back out of the blue..._

"Miss me?" As mocking and sharp and biting as the words themselves were- again his voice was empty. Defeated.

"Pheh." _Well- fuck this- yes. Yes, I missed you, or at the very least I missed something. Maybe I missed the sex. _

He waited for a reply, but the silence stretched on. Shikamaru sat heavily on the opposite edge of the bed. "Troublesome..."_Whatever. I was missing something or another in the past five days, enough to nearly cost me my sanity and five night's worth of rest... _"What's wrong with you?"

Shikamaru heard him draw a sharp breath- but that was the only reaction he got, and it wasn't long before it settled back into a regular rhythm. With more defeat than anger the chuunin put the questions aside, knowing they would get no answers, threw a pillow onto his lap and rested his head on arms crossed on top of it. If he wasn't getting answers, he might as well get rest.

Sasuke didn't seem to object.

( Shikamaru tried to ignore the fact that he had _expected_ Sasuke to crawl over and push him down by now- maybe even hoped for it- and that the lack of response worried concerned meant nothing to disturbed annoyed him. )

He closed his eyes.

---

So that was what it was.

She understood, now.

And here she was, outside his door again, a bouquet in her hand, knocking and waiting and knocking again like she had the days before. And of course, being herself, this eventually escalated into punching and in one instance, kicking, and loud yells along the lines of "_Shikamaru, if you don't open this door right now_--" followed immediately by threats of varied nature and severity.

And she stood there, suddenly silent, fists closed tightly and teeth clenched- the usual calm before the storm, and she supposed Neji recognized it by now.

"Ino, that's enough."

She hits the door with force anyway. "_Shikamaru!_" she yelled- but of course, there was no reply. She remained there, arms crossed, tapping her foot, before turning and storming away. She walked past the white-robed Hyuuga standing quietly behind her, remarking loudly, "Same lazy bum as always." She saw Neji shake his head from the corner of her eye, saw him follow her quietly. Like she was something to worry about.

Pfft.

"He'll come out eventually." Even Ino could hear that he didn't believe it, even as he said it. She rolled her eyes and continued moving. "When he's ready."

"We've already been at his door everyday for so long now," she said.

"Yes, and I don't think his door could take much more."

"Very funny." She smiled, but Neji couldn't see that.

They didn't talk much after that, but as she walked Ino allowed a frown to cross her face. She wanted to know of he was okay. And...

_Please don't think I'm angry, Shikamaru. _

---

"You know nothing about me."

Shikamaru didn't need _Sasuke_ to point that out. He'd scarcely been able to fall asleep for maybe a few minutes when that blasted woman's screaming threatened to pierce his eardrums. He could ignore knocks, even really loud knocks, but her voice was really, really high-pitched when she was angry. And of course she was angry. He couldn't blame her, after all he'd done- she had probably figured it out long ago, or maybe Neji told her. He didn't just open the door and tell her to go away- because, then, she'd stop coming.

He grunted in a half-reply and fell sideways on the bed, still keeping to his edge, face still buried in his pillow.

"My brother killed my family- and my entire clan."

Well, he knew that. Everyone knew that. But just... just what was Sasuke getting at? And the way he talked... it unnerved him more with every passing second. He had gotten used to the cruelty that lurked behind that voice, and the hollowness of it now was nothing short of disturbing.

"But he was my _brother._"

The pauses between those chunks of speech were long and strange and bitter- and Shikamaru had no idea what Sasuke was getting at, and more importantly, Shikamaru had no idea _why._

"He wasn't a cold calculating demon that murdered his family when he finally snapped."

...which, honestly enough, was what Shikamaru had assumed him to be. A cruel genius who grew tired of others, and one fine day they simply couldn't control him and he snapped.

"He was my brother."

Shikamaru knew that.

"I loved him."

Shikamaru didn't know that.

Loving your brother. Something that wasn't unusual in the slightest- the bond of brotherhood is one of the strongest bonds a person could have. They would grow up together- share everything. Share their house. Share their belongings. Share their parents. Share their blood. But somehow the word _Love _from Sasuke's lips just felt so...

"I was... happy."

But how could a brother that loved you take away everything you loved? Only a monster. Only a demon. Or maybe, Shikamaru realized- he left you alive. Why? Guilt? Conscience? Brotherhood?

"He was always a genius."

Yes, Shikamaru knew that too. Uchiha Itachi. Chuunin by the age of nine, jounin all too quickly after. ANBU captain by the age of fourteen. Legendary genius, prodigy of the Uchiha- gone painfully, painfully, wrong.

"He was always the wall that I had to overcome."

Of course. Sasuke always excelled in everything in the Academy- his grades far outstripped anyone else, by gigantic margins. But there was only one thing Sasuke ever had to overcome- and that was his brother. Life must've been hard for him, with so many expectations- which was always why Shikamaru avoided them, troublesome things. The only thing his father expected was for his son to inherit his laziness and God knows his mother expected nothing of him. This must've been the most he'd ever heard Sasuke speak. He must've hated-

"But I never hated him."

He never did? Was Itachi that good of a brother, Shikamaru had to wonder- and then something hit him. Never did. Was it possible, that, even now...?

"When we graduated the academy. Kakashi."

Sasuke had never called the jounin sensei- the thought of him calling_anyone_ sensei was strange. Why had he jumped from Itachi to Kakashi? That made no sense... was Sasuke telling him anything at all, or was he just musing out loud to himself? ...when Shikamaru was still in the room? Since when did they know each other enough? Since when were they intimate? Since when did Sasuke trust him- trust anyone- since when were they _friends!?_

"Kakashi didn't know me either... but he knew the same pain. He knew me more than most did."

Shikamaru had always wondered just what that eccentric jounin had been through... so strange were his antics. Enough to compare with your family being slaughtered by your own brother? Shikamaru felt a weight being lifted off the mattress- and opened his eyes and turned his head to see Sasuke walk quietly around the bed, to gaze out the window at the moon, hanging in the sky. He caught a glimpse of those eyes before Sasuke turned away- eyes that were always filled with lust or desire or anger and hatred, now empty and hollow and filled with nothing but a passive sadness, a defeated regret. Something that, in Sasuke, was simply entirely alien.

"And then Naruto..."

Naruto. The two of them were always at odds with each other- always fighting, arguing, bickering, but when it came down to it they would have protected each other with their lives- back then, anyway. Shikamaru even heard that Sasuke had once nearly given up his life protecting that hyperactive shinobi. Now? So much had changed. The long silences between the words, the disconnection between them- he probably really was just musing aloud to himself after all. And somehow, felt comfortable enough to do so while Shikamaru was still there.

...Why?

"My brother's eyes..."

_Anything like your eyes, Sasuke?_ So full of hate and anger and vengeance- but somehow not now. What happened to him these past few days? Shikamaru stared at the back of Sasuke's head, still gazing fixedly out the window, pale hands gripping the windowsill. Did an image of his brother's eyes haunt Sasuke's memories- the way his own had haunted Shikamaru, the weeks that now felt so long before?

"...and you."

---

_He's still here?_

Kakashi wasn't sure what he expected- but this was what he had hoped for, when he decided just to take a glance into Shikamaru's room later in the night. Just a small peak. He was still here, they were both awake, and neither was screaming or struggling or running away.

_What a choice you must have made, Sasuke._

A choice that the jounin had never thought his former student would make... but it was the right choice. He hoped. He hadn't failed after all. There really was hope. There were things to hope for still- and this time, this time, maybe they wouldn't turn out to be nothing but empty dreams and hollow lies, projections of the guilt from the failures of his fractured life. Maybe this time.

...or maybe he did fail. But Kakashi can see those eyes when Sasuke looks out the window- he can't risk getting close enough to get a proper look, but something just feels different. Maybe he did fail- but... Kakashi's eyes wandered to the silhouette on the bed, that he knew was Shikamaru.

_Where I failed... you may have just succeeded._

---

_Me._

He started slightly- why would he have any role to play other than someone on whom to vent the sexual frustrations of a teenage boy? It was what Shikamaru assumed his role to be. It was not good, it was not healthy, but it made perfect sense (and really maybe worked both ways). _Damnit, Sasuke. Why?_ The only thing Shikamaru had gathered so far from this bizarre interlude- no answers. Only more questions. But before Shikamaru could think further, Sasuke turned around.

His eyes were almost... sad.

Only for a moment- but then the moment was gone, and his eyes were again cold, again emotionless- a hint of mocking and desire crept behind them, but somehow it still felt different. Shikamaru stared back wordlessly.

"But why would you care... Shikamaru?" he whispered, with a small laugh and a smirk.

_He said my name,_ Shikamaru realized dimly- but it was a far off thought, for not long after Sasuke stepped forward and pushed him down onto the bed.

But it was different. It was softer. It wasn't as harsh- and Sasuke's hands cradled his head as that tongue continued to search, and Shikamaru's eventually found the way into the other's dark hair. A kiss was a kiss, Shikamaru had always thought- awkward and clumsy and full of lust and want and need. But this- softer. Gentler. It dared him- it dared him to think, to even dare to hope, that this could be anything at all, anything more.

But it never went further.

Shikamaru couldn't tell how long they stayed like that, arms around each other, tongues intertwining, hands tracing patterns on hair and skin- but Shikamaru noticed, that at some point, Sasuke's hand must have found his- because there they were, their fingers intertwined and holding on (as if afraid that it would vanish if they let go).

It lasted forever- but again it was far too short. And Sasuke pulled away from him and simply turned away- stayed on the bed, their backs touching, the weight and contact strangely warm and comforting- and Shikamaru might've thought he'd fallen asleep if not for the fact that his hand was being gripped so tightly.

And he was gripping back, as well.

So many questions- and so many things to say. What was this- this random night? Did it mean anything? Did he dare to dream that it could be anything more? _Is this real? Are you real- why? Why did you leave? Why did you come back? Damnit, Sasuke..._

_Don't lie to me. _Shikamaru closes his eyes- and it feels so comfortable that he could simply slip into sleep, but his thoughts kept him awake for those last few moments. _Don't use me. _And he thought of Ino, but he pushed it away before he could sink into guilt and despair yet again. _Don't let me believe it and then take it away. _So many things to say- but nothing he could say. Nothing he did say. _At least tell me or something the next time you vanish... but..._ but he finally managed to just say one thing, before giving in into well-needed rest.

"Don't leave me like that again."

---

**A/N: Short chapter, because that's where it's supposed to end. Came out faster, as well. Just so you guys know, the story's ending soon- in fact the way it's planned, it finished on chapter fifteen. This will be abit of a long author's note... ; **

**So much love to reviewers, thank you all! I'm pretty sure I've replied to all of you but if I missed you out feel free to bash me on the head and I'll get back to you after I regain conciousness. **

**I'm actually pretty amazed I have 23 reviews and over 2k views, I kind of assumed such a crack!pairing would gain little attention. But apparently not! So thank you, any of you who've read. **

**I have some ideas on what to do after this already- things like fic challenges, like the 100 prompts challenge, sounds great.**_**Meaning**_**, on the other hand- Reason's sequel- is currently making friends with Schrödinger's cat. **

**I'm not sure if I should do it or not... while the relationship so far has been fun to write, it's mostly been pure angst but there's a lot more about their relationship I want to explore than the planned boundaries of this fic reaches. I do feel it ends in an appropiate place, though, so I am torn. I'll leave it up to you, dear readers. **

**Shameless livejournal pimp! ****Link be in my profile, folks, I'll update as the fic updates and such. Friend me, post a comment, poke the journal, ignore the link, your choice.**

**Oh my god, have you seen the word count? This thing is a novella! **

**The story's taken a bit of a turn, don't you think? So many more questions...**


	13. thirteen: Broken

**A/N: Lime right at the end. You have been warned. **

---

**thirteen  
BROKEN**

and now we're grown up orphans  
that never knew their names  
don't belong to no one- that's a shame  
you could hide beside me  
maybe for awhile

and I won't tell no one your name  
I won't tell 'em your name

Name, Goo Goo Dolls

---

He woke up.

Afternoon sunlight pouring through the open window was what greeted him- the damn glare got in his eyes, and he wasn't exactly a fan of the heat. With an annoyed grumble he tried to burrow further into the nest he had made himself with the sheets, and it was awhile later before he realized his hands were gripping at nothing.

Sasuke was gone.

What had he expected? Of course Sasuke as gone. The guy never stayed. But he never talked either, never felt sad, never shared anything with anyone- and his touch had never felt so soft and gentle before.

Shikamaru's eyes shifted to the stalks of flowers on the beside table, wilted and neglected from that night when he finally went to sleep with their flowers in his grasp. The black rose, the corianders- the lavender was something he didn't remember choosing, but it's scent helped with sleep, conveniently enough, and it was something Ino added on.

Ino.

With a tired yawn he pulled himself upright, stretching and scratching at his arms wearily- he didn't feel particularly well rested, but then again he never did, and he wasn't exhausted and on the brink of insanity anymore. He could only assume it was a good sign. The troublesome woman… she was always so fierce, so angry, and subtlety was hardly her strong point. The only time when she was subtle, was when she was trying to show that she cared. He and Chouji had come to that understanding quickly enough- like that time she brought fruit to his beside with talks of dieting and things, but really it was an excuse to make sure Chouji was okay- and being the big-hearted guy that he was, Chouji let Ino make the excuse. Shikamaru experienced the phenomenon of Ino's subtlety through teasing, punches, threats, kicks- and flowers.

These flowers, he thought, picking up the rose and rolling it's dry stem between his fingers. Just what do they mean to you, eh, Shikamaru?

At first, they had meant troublesome work- but it didn't take long to realize that they were, in fact, about Sasuke. Messages of obsession and confusion and lust and desire were abundant in that first bouquet. And then while Ino found it a little creepy, she took it to mean that Shikamaru was in a bizarre I'm a genius, I'm bad at social things way expressing that he liked her, and that it was all part of his I'm a super genius, I'm really bad at social things plan involving an imaginary gay stalker. But then they came to represent Sasuke, yet again- but more importantly every time he looked at them he thought either of Sasuke or of the heart-wrenching guilt he felt at using his own friend.

As Neji had so aptly pointed out.

But they represented none of that now.

Last night… he wasn't sure what it meant, if anything at all. He wasn't about to put anything into it, wasn't about to hope- and wasn't about to admit that perhaps he already had. But it was different- and maybe, just maybe, he had meant something to Sasuke after all…

And somehow, that brought an ever-so-sickening warm fuzzy feeling to Shikamaru's gut, followed swiftly by a few loud hacks.

He walked to the bathroom, looked himself in the mirror- saw the light scars still etched across his skin. They were still there… but they would heal, with time. Slowly. Surely. He tried not to remind himself that these thoughts meant that he somehow hoped, somehow believed, that Sasuke would not give him any more scars.

The feel of warm water against his face- and in the shower, his bare skin- was something he missed. His skin was clammy and sticky from nights and days spent tossing and turning in bed. He was feeling much better now. Not well enough to not avoid work, of course, but better.

He was surprised, really. Surprised at his calmness.

Maybe because, now, he knew at least one of the things he had to do.

The flowers didn't represent any of those things now- not a dark obsession for Sasuke, not an annoying bit of work, not a strange confession from a shy and socially inept genius, not the guilt of using a friend. He stepped from the shower, a towel slung across his shoulders and another wrapped untidily around his waist, walking back to the room, leaving wet footprints across the wood floor- that his mother would kill him for later. He sat down on the bed and continued to dry himself off, glancing at the flowers periodically.

From the start, he realized- they had always represented his denial.

And the pawn that he knew was kept in a drawer… there was a lot of truth to Neji's words that day… and he had to think through things.

He fumbled around for his hair tie, and realized that once again it was missing. He pulled open one of the drawers from the chest under the windowsill- filled with spare hair ties, for he'd come to realize that he lost them quite often- it was troublesome to search for something that small, especially if lost outside. But he knew when he lost them- and he took some time to make a quick count of how many he had before grabbing one and tying his hair up. Nineteen were missing.

They were probably lying around his room somewhere, he knew, simply because all nineteen were lost from Sasuke grabbing at his hair and sliding the band off. Sasuke seemed to like running fingers through his hair, and he didn't mind. Sasuke's hair was silken in sheen- but also to touch. Probably used the same brand of conditioner as Neji.

Maybe he should get one of those... but he always found it troublesome to wash his hair, let alone condition it.

Maybe he should get one for Ino.

He pulled on the fishnet shirt, his black pants, the baggy jacket, and searched around for his chuunin vest. The flowers were wilted- and the lie he told was lying in pieces, broken and punctured by five days spent without carefully maintaining the little day-to-day actions that kept it upright.

But lying even more broken than his lies was the truth- and while everything was broken, not everything needed to mend.

He pulled on the chuunin vest he finally found stashed in a random corner in his closet (clothes hangers were troublesome), habitually slipped his hands in his pockets- paused before leaving the room, turning back to pick up the dead and wilting flowers.

The flowers were either dying or dead, and had to be disposed of.

He walked slowly down the stairs- it felt odd, as he hadn't done that in a few days. Familiar, yet not. He was surprised at himself, again… but well, he did have things to do. People to talk to. Things to fix. He'd probably mess it up somewhere along the way, but yeah.

Whatever last night meant, it'd forced him to realize that he cared at least arbitrarily about Sasuke- and that denying that Sasuke had an effect on his life had nearly cost him his friends, and maybe even his sanity. He was sure that if Sasuke hadn't come back (and he was still wondering why he did), he would have gone mad.

The broken pieces of his denial and his lies were either dying or dead, and had to be disposed of.

He paused before he opened the main door, and tossed the flowers into the nearby bin.

---

Ino fumbled through the flowers, but her mind was on anything but them.

Neji had explained it- or at least, he had explained what he knew, what he guessed, and what he believed. Ino wasn't as good as he was at analyzing things, but as far as she could tell- providing that everything Neji said he had seen was in fact true, the Hyuuga was right about everything. And really, what reason did he have to lie?

It didn't stop her from wondering- no, hoping he lied, simply because the truth was… bizarre. Unexpected. And rather painful.

Of all people- Uchiha Sasuke.

Neji had no idea what Sasuke wanted with Shikamaru, and neither did Ino. She'd always thought that Sasuke was incredible. Intelligent, attractive, and the epitome of the average teenage girl's opinion of "cool" during their years at the academy (She'd never made much of a secret of her opinion, after all). Cold, distant, focused on his one purpose in life. It took her a long time to finally give up on her endless pursuit of Sasuke (and she hated to lose), but she'd just reasoned that someone like Sasuke just wouldn't let something as petty as love distract him from his singular obsession- that there was simply no room for anyone or anything else in his life. And now?

Sasuke had stalked Shikamaru. Harassed him. Chased him down. Rape him. Break him- and not be around to take care of the pieces.

Neji's judgement was harsh. As far as he was concerned, for whatever motives the Uchiha had, Sasuke was still a cold manipulative bastard and all this probably fit into some grand scheme of his to achieve his ultimate goal. He was using Shikamaru without hesitation, and he knew it. Shikamaru knew this, but yet let it affect him- Shikamaru had nearly driven himself mad over Sasuke, and Neji had little doubt that it all probably fit in with whatever twisted plan Sasuke had formed in his mind. Shikamaru, Neji said, was consumed with confusion and bitterness, and dealt with it through the simple mechanism of denial- and that was when she came in. Shikamaru, knowing fully well what he was doing, had used her as a distraction.

It all made sense, but Ino didn't want to believe it.

She wanted to believe that there was still hope for Sasuke- that he was trying to save himself, and that maybe even if it began as part of some greater plan or nothing more than a random burst of lust, he had second thoughts. She wanted to believe in him- ah, Sakura had gotten to her, over the years.

But most of all she wanted to believe that Shikamaru didn't use her.

Partially because during the time when she believed that Shikamaru was in love with her, she was actually happy.

And even if he's turning out to be bizarrely infatuated with Sasuke instead, she liked to think that he didn't mean to use her. Shikamaru was a genius, true, but all those genius types always thought so differently, and when it came to person to person, honest communication- they weren't geniuses any more, so to speak. Shikamaru was a perfect example of it- and Neji, and even Sasuke. Ino liked to believe that Shikamaru was looking for help- but didn't know how.

But he asked for help, didn't he? That first day, back weeks ago, when Shikamaru told her about an apparent gay stalker. Stupid, she scolded herself, snapping the scissors shut with surprising force as she pruned the roses. You shouldn't have dismissed it so fast! Even if she hadn't, she probably wouldn't have helped anyway, but she liked to believe that she had influence over this.

And now she didn't know what to do. She was probably going to drop by Shikamaru's house again, maybe with Neji- Chouji had come with her once or twice. Chouji had thought that Shikamaru probably just needed time to deal with things, and Chouji trusted Shikamaru to ask for help when he needed it- but he wanted to say goodbye, Chouji had just left for a mission with his father that would probably last weeks. Chouji had a big heart, and Ino was sometimes almost jealous of the way he had such faith in people- especially such faith in Shikamaru. But even as she was threatening to bring the door down, Ino had no idea what to say if Shikamaru answered the door.

She wondered if he had guessed that she knew. Of course he does, she thought with a small laugh, pruning off a few more leaves. He hasn't guessed, he's logically deduced it by now. But she wondered if he thought she was angry- that she was upset.

Well, okay, she couldn't blame him. When she first found out, Ino was completely bewildered and disbelieving, and when it started to sink in that Shikamaru didn't really feel much for her after all, she became furious. But when it sank in further- when she realized just what Shikamaru was going through- she calmed down rather quickly. She may have had quite the temper, but it didn't mean she couldn't tell when anger wasn't called for.

Ino groaned loudly, finding her way back behind the counter and burying her head in her arms. Really, how the hell did Shikamaru deal with all this? Her head hurt.

"…Ino?"

---

Neji sipped politely from his tea.

After yet another tiring training session, there was nothing quite like sharing tea with your sparring partner to relax yourself. Lee could scarcely appreciate this, though- he would usually press on and insist and train. Neji never exactly minded, and so their spars would stretch on and on- Hinata, however, was different.

"Neji nii-san…" she said quietly- as she always did.

In the times before, Neji always couldn't help but twitch slightly whenever he heard her call him that. Being an elder brother implied so many things- like a bond of caring, of concern, of protection. Now, though- now he was different. He had never wanted a younger sister- but that was what Hinata had eventually become. "What is it, Hinata-sama?"

He took another sip, watching as Hinata glanced down nervously. The bond between them was stronger than it used to be, but it was simply in her nature to be shy and reserved. It had taken her plenty of courage to first ask her to spar with him all that time ago- now it was something they did often. Family bonding? The term felt odd. It used to be something of Neji simply overshadowing Hinata during their training sessions, and at first Neji had willingly held back a little. She hadn't caught up with him yet, of course- Neji no longer held himself back. He was almost… proud. There were many things that she could learn from him, that he'd always known- but of late he seemed to realize there were things to learn from her, as well. He waited patiently for her to overcome her nerves.

"Ah… it's just that…" she paused again. "Neji nii-san, I've just noticed that… Y-you've had something on your mind, l-lately."

Neji's eyes widened slightly- he lowered the cup from his lips, watching his own reflection ripple within it. Hinata was always caring, always kind, but it still unnerved him whenever anyone- especially Hinata- showed any concern for him whatsoever. After all he'd done to her, he always expected much worse.

"I-I'm sorry, if I'm intruding on y-your personal life," she said, placing her cup down on the table. "B-but if there's anyway I could h-help…" she looked away again.

Neji blinked, raising his eyes to look at his cousin as he put down his tea- she did not raise her eyes to meet his gaze. To care for someone who did so much to you. Neji had never exactly been anti-social, but he had never exactly had… friends. His first friend, awkwardly enough, might have been Lee- Lee was the first one he ever paid attention to. And how could he not, as loud and colourful and boastful of their rivalry as he was? But even then his awkward feelings of half-comradeship were limited to his team alone- it was only after Naruto quite literally beat sense into him, when he was able to find peace within himself, that he had begun to open more- and since then he'd made quite a few…friends. People he cared about. But even before then, when he was so shamelessly direct in his hatred of the head family- of Hinata- she hadn't hated him. She sympathized. She cared. And whenever he thought of it, he wasn't sure what to feel.

She was right- something was on his mind, of late. One of the first "friends" he made- had been Shikamaru. It was an odd thing- Neji had always enjoyed shougi, only he never really had anyone to play with, and Shikamaru sometimes grew tired of playing with Asuma. A few games and some conversation later, they had found they had a lot in common- and there were simply some things that they could talk about that they couldn't with anyone else. A level of understanding between two minds that thought too differently from the rest of the world. Neither ever claimed to fully understand the other, of course- who could fully comprehend Shikamaru?

The feeling that came to him whenever he thought about Shikamaru now was also alien to him. It was not entirely strange- Neji felt it in the battlefield, whenever Lee was injured or being particularly headstrong, whenever Tenten missed her mark or was hit- even whenever Gai was in danger. But he had never really felt concern or worry outside of battle- but there was no avoiding it. Shikamaru _worried_ him, now. Shikamaru was letting that damn Uchiha use him- and that could simply not turn out well for anyone. Especially since Shikamaru had taken the path of denial and avoidance- always the easiest choice, but never the right one. He had even tried to use Ino, to cement his self-crafted illusion. Neji had recently told Ino of the truth- and what surprised him was that she continued to worry for him. Concern was never simple for _Ino,_ of course- like everything else she expressed it mostly through yelling- but it was there. Regardless of what he did to him. Rather… rather like Hinata.

Honestly, Neji never thought he'd compare _Ino_, of all people, to _Hinata._

Hinata. He realized that he'd been silent for some time, and she must've been waiting for an answer. "You're not intruding, Hinata-sama," he said curtly. "But it is difficult to explain, and I'm not sure if you could help."

"M-maybe I could t-try?"

She looked back at him- Neji paused at the concern written across her eyes. "I think it's best not for you to get involved, Hinata-sama," he said. And it was true- he didn't want her to be involved in this mess. She cared too much. She was fragile. He didn't want her to be hurt. He… he was protective. But the way he talked was always so direct and blunt- even though most of the time he really never meant it that way. And he realized that he must've sounded dismissive. "But thank you for the offer, Hinata-sama." And that sounded far too formal.

"Y-your welcome, Neji nii-san," she said, with a small, slightly nervous smile. "But I-I'm sorry I can't h-help."

Neji nodded, not knowing what to say, and took another sip of tea.

And several minutes past of an awkward but comfortable silence between them. Neji, having finished his tea, looked up towards the sky to see birds riding the wind and darting through the treetops that reached above the Hyuuga compound. "Hinata-sama," he found himself saying. "Can I ask you something?"

"O-of course," she replied, with surprise in her voice.

"After everything I've done to you," he began, looking back at her eyes- the question even slightly surprising himself. "During the chuunin exams. Before then. Everything I said about the head family- and you. Even then, you cared about me- and you still do. …Why, Hinata-sama?"

"W-why?" Hinata blinked.

Neji waited for her to reply, but she looked down uneasily again, fidgeting with her fingers. He didn't understand how she could possibly still care- he'd come very close to killing her, after all. Dangerously close. It made him sick to think that only a few years ago there was a moment in time when he would've done anything to brutally slaughter the gentle person in front of him now.

Damn, he had been a monster.

"B-but why do y-you ask, Neji nii-san?" He stiffened- not sure how to reply, only to find that Hinata had never expected him to as she continued. "I j-just thought… w-what I said then, at the c-chuunin exams. I m-meant it…"

_I can see that you are suffering more than me. _He remembered it well. He'd almost killed her for it, after all.

"And d-despite everything… I d-don't think you h-hated me, Neji nii-san," she said quietly, looking up to meet his surprised eyes. "Y-you were just a-alone and confused and h-hurt… and you're r-really talented, nii-san. Y-you think differently… I-I… just t-thought that…" she took a deep breath. "I t-thought that you did c-care for me. Y-you warned me, instead of j-just killing me- and you c-could have. Y-you warned me not to t-test you- b-because I w-would be h-hurt. I-I… I thought you c-cared for me, Neji nii-san. J-just that you… d-didn't know how to s-show it."

This time, it was Neji that looked away.

Somehow, what Hinata said was both entirely unexpected… and true. He felt it- they had struck him, shaken him at least a little- and a ghost of a smile hovered on his lips. That despite everything he'd done- how he always felt doubtful of earning forgiveness- Hinata had already forgiven him, long before.

To care, but not know how to show it. Yes, that suited him quite well. And… it suited other people, didn't it? They were shinobi, after all. Tools. Killers. Trained to murder with efficiency and speed- caring wasn't something that came instinctively to most of them. And the most gifted shinobi- the most skilled at killing- would probably suffer this more. Geniuses, they were called- himself among them- and they deserved the name. They simply thought on a different level than most people- but for most of them, when it came to the delicate intricacies and balances on the social level, they failed miserably.

...and it wasn't only him. Shikamaru. …Sasuke.

"I was harsh," Neji said quietly.

"Y-you always s-sound it, Neji," she said timidly- the lack of a suffix to his name drew his attention instantly. Did she really feel comfortable enough to do that? "B-but you never m-mean it…"

He usually never meant it. And suddenly he remembered what he had said weeks ago to Shikamaru- the pawn and the using and… Shikamaru was just like him, too. Confused and angry. Perhaps Neji shouldn't have been quite so harsh. Perhaps Neji shouldn't have left him alone.

_Heh…_ he thought quietly to himself, standing up from the table. _I'm sorry I'm such a horrible friend, Shikamaru- but I'm new to it all. _

"N-Neji nii-san?" Hinata stuttered, glancing upwards nervously- as though afraid she had said something to offend him. The title had returned to his name, Neji noticed- maybe she thought she offended him that way. "G-gomen… I'm s-sorry."

To care for someone who did that much to you. Rather like… rather like how Shikamaru cared for Sasuke, as much as the lazy chuunin would admit it.

_I shouldn't have thrown you everything and left you to deal with it on your own._

Neji looked down- and smiled. Truly, genuinely, _smiled._ Hinata blinked- the sight was… unfamiliar, to say the least.

_I should've let you know you wouldn't face it alone._

"I have to go find someone now," he said. "But you helped me. Thank you, Hinata-sa-" he paused for a moment. "Thank you, Hinata."

Hinata blushed slightly- but nodded quietly. "Y-your welcome, Neji," she said timidly, and watched as he walked off after a nod. She wasn't sure what she just did… except tell the truth. But whatever it was, she was glad that she had been able to help her cousin.

---

Ino sat at the counter, completely bewildered.

"_Shikamaru? Is that you?"_

She hadn't expected that. At all.

"_Of course it's me. Tch, troublesome woman. Can't you even recognize your own boyfriend?"_

She had kind of forgotten what Neji had told her when she first saw him. Especially when she said _your boyfriend._ Since when had Shikamaru ever called himself that?

"_Damn you, Shikamaru, where the hell have you be- boyfriend? What? You're actually going to call me your girlfriend now? Shikamaru!"_

She'd been caught up. To say the least.

"_H-hey, get off me! I didn't say that!"_

And happy.

"_Yes you di-id!"_

...Okay, she practically had hearts flying around her head, but yeah.

"_So what if I- get your hair out of my face, woman!"_

But it was still entirely unexpected to even so much as see him again. She leaned her weight back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling.

"_I didn't see you for _ages._Did you at least get sleep? I could buy you some chocolate or something…"_

She blinked, placing a hand to her chest. Somehow, she felt dizzy- and even now she wasn't exactly sure what had happened.

"_I hate chocolate… I thought you knew that."_

She'd been thinking about it ever since Neji told her. That if she saw him, the first thing she did would be- to beat the living crap out of him.

"_So what happened? Are you okay? Why are you here?"_

And then to say that it was okay. That she'd help him through it. …but only after beating the living crap out of him.

"_I came here because I had something to say to you, Ino."_

She'd done none of that. Caught up in the moment, probably. But she was going to...

"_So what is it?"_

…and then she didn't.

"_You're right. We've been going to dinner and such for so long now. There's no way I'd put up with a woman like _you_ for that long unless you were my girlfriend or something."_

She saw someone walk through the door, but was… preoccupied.

"_Hah, I knew it-"_

She placed her hands on the counter and pushed herself upright. She had remembered right. That was what happened, after all. And that person- it didn't take long for her to recognize him, even if she was in shock. The robes and the long hair- unmistakable.

"_I can't go on like this, Ino."_

"Ino? Are you alright?" Neji said with a slight frown, walking towards her.

"_Eh?"_

"I'm alright, Neji," she said. "It's… just that…"

"_Everything… what I created. What I made. After that… it's all broken, now. Broken to pieces."_

What had Shikamaru meant? Ino still wasn't sure. But she had assumed it meant their relationship or something.

"_Broken things can be mended."_

She'd meant it. She knew that Neji had said, of course, but that didn't mean that they couldn't try.

"_Yeah, but… maybe some things should stay broken."_

"What happened, Ino?" Neji asked, bringing her back to the present as the last of the memory from moments before played through her mind.

"…_Shikamaru?"_

"I think Shikamaru broke up with me," Ino told Neji simply.

"_It's over."_

---

And he sat on the bed, and he waited.

It was almost eleven- and Shikamaru was sure that Sasuke had to come this time. Sasuke couldn't just leave him again- not after last night.

After finally being able to get some rest- after finally getting some perspective on things- Shikamaru had realized just how much Sasuke was affecting him. Just how much he was denying. Just how much of a downward spiral he had been willingly casting himself into, day after day. And in the morning, he had made the resolution- the denial was over.

No more lies. No more pretending.

He had to face this for himself.

And so- he'd dumped Ino. He probably could've done it better, but- whatever. Shikamaru was pretty sure he'd already screwed up their friendship beyond repair anyway, and he might as well let Ino hate him as "that bastard ex of mine" so she could go on with her life. And Neji? Neji probably still hated him.

He had to face this alone.

…he had to face _him_ alone.

And Sasuke came.

They stared at each other, for a moment. Shikamaru waited for him to say something- to cement what had happened the night before. That this was something more than just a simple outlet of lust.

But it never came.

It wasn't long before the smirk returned to Sasuke's lips- before he found his bare chest against the bed, his legs spread wide by pale, slender hands, his throat rasping with ragged breaths and bitten back groans and whispers of a name. It was so familiar.

But it wasn't what they had, the night before.

And even as he heard their mingled moans, his own heart pounding in his ears, the sound of flesh against flesh and an ever-quickening rhythm- he felt the strange mixture of hope and confusion in his heart fade into anger and hatred- that gave way to desire. So that was it? It was a lie? Sasuke had mocked him. That was it. Sasuke knew that Shikamaru wanted more- and mocked him. Gave him a taste of it, then tore it all away. Let him know that- no, Shikamaru, you're being used, and you know what? You fucking _love_ it. You're letting me.

_God- Fuck,_ he thought, full of bitterness and hate- and found those same words escaping him in sinful pleasure.

It was back to the exact same thing again- the way he had been so brutally used every damn night. Last night was different. Last night had felt so different. But it was as if it never happened. It was just… gone. So what- he'd torn down his walls for nothing?

Even as he savoured the feeling- of each thrust hitting that oh-so-pleasurable spot, of nails digging into his skin, of a tongue on his- almost devouring him possessively, lustfully, as he felt one final shiver ripple through their bodies and a cry escape his lips- confusion and hatred and anger.

And then Sasuke had stayed only to put on his clothes- and he had paused before the window, and looked back. Shikamaru didn't need to see his eyes or the smirk on his lips to know that he was waiting- _daring_ Shikamaru to say something. To speak out. But no- he wouldn't give the bastard the knowledge that his plot had worked. Wouldn't give him the pleasure.

Shikamaru ignored that he'd pleasured him just moments before.

And Sasuke had left, without a single word.

So that was all it was? Just a lie? If Shikamaru wasn't so damn tired, he would've been looking at yet another restless night. But damnit- he had wanted to confront Sasuke, wanted to know what that night was about. And now he wanted to strangle him.

He fell asleep.

He ignored that the only reason why he _could_ sleep was the thought of Sasuke returning.

---

**A/N: This chapter took awhile, but it's here. Yooosh! And a long one, too. Yay.**

**As for more pairings- well, I can't reply to you since that was an anonymous comment, but no, there will not be, not in this story at least. The stories I'm planning on writing after this, in terms of the fic challenge things you can see on my profile, will involve various pairings and friendship fics and random crack, and I think I might even take in requests via reviews for those- it'd be fun, anyway, since I'm one of those who doesn't really have a pairing preference. Writing more pairings would be interesting. **

**In **_**Reason**_**, as you notice, it focuses mainly on SasuShika, but there are hints of many, many other pairings- ShikaIno, NejiShika and even NejiHina to name a few. **_**Meaning**_**, if it ends up being written, will be in a similar light. I'll be able to talk more about **_**Meaning**_** once I wrap this up, as I fear spoilers. Spoilers are evil things.**

**Once again, thank you readers and reviewers alike! I hope that you've enjoyed this chapter. The next is on the way!**

**  
**


	14. fourteen: Words

---

**fourteen  
WORDS**

_see I'm all about them words  
over numbers, unencumbered numbered words  
hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards  
more words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive_

_you and I, you and I  
not so little you and I anymore  
and with this silence brings a moral story  
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy_

_cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of  
and others just read of and if you could see now_

_well I'm almost finally out of  
I'm finally out of, finally  
well I'm almost finally, finally,  
finally out of words_

You and I Both, Jason Mraz

---

Shikamaru awoke as the epitome of self-loathing.

He didn't understand it. Sasuke had done all that to him, and he had let the bastard do it. And then Sasuke had lied to him- let him believe for a moment that Sasuke might've cared, and Shikamaru still didn't understand why but somehow it comforted him. Confused, when he had finally decided that it was time to confront Sasuke- the Uchiha had reverted to his normal behaviour. And even though he tried to protest, he couldn't.

There were so many things to say, but there were no words. Too many questions, but not a single answer.

This had consumed his life- and it was all his life had consisted of for the past… week. He had to get this over with. He had to move on with his life.

…but somehow, he couldn't.

…_Who are you?_ He thought, pulling himself upright to sit at the edge of the bed.

Shikamaru knew the answer- Uchiha Sasuke. But all that was- was a name. Just who was he? Even before Sasuke practically vanished from the village for years, Shikamaru knew little of the enigmatic genius. And now, he didn't understand anything. His motives. His thoughts. His… feelings. And normally they would've been bothersome and he could just turn away- but now they directly involved Shikamaru himself.

_What are you thinking? _Shikamaru flicked hair away from his face and rubbed at his eyes, feeling around blearily for the black band that he knew wasn't there. _What are you doing? _

Shikamaru was supposed to be a genius and all, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out what possible motive Sasuke might have for _him._ He was just a lazy, underachieving slacker- what interest was he to the great Uchiha Sasuke? The guy had to have some kind of grand, overarching plot… but what?

_Where were you? _He made his way down the corridor to the bathroom down the hall, tossing his clothes to the floor before stepping into the shower.

As much as he hated to admit it- Shikamaru had to know. Sasuke had vanished for five days- had returned a different person, and then reverted to normal. Okay, so Shikamaru kept on insisting that Sasuke had lied and was just a manipulative bastard- but part of him couldn't help but remember the way it felt, held in those arms- it felt genuine. It felt true. Shikamaru was a brilliant liar, and it took one to know one- and it didn't feel like he was lying. Then, logically- something happened to him, wherever he was. …What?

_Why? _Tossing a towel around his shoulders, he made his way back to his room, pulling his clothes back on.

Why what? Why everything.

He sat back down heavily at the edge of the bed, head in his hands- a dull headache throbbed in his temple. _Damn it, Sasuke,_ he thought- his gaze wandered over to his window, the curtains drawn to one side. It was closed. Instinctively he reached out to open it- it was kind of stuffy in his room, anyway- but he stopped.

Someone had almost instantaneously appeared, apparently climbing up the side of his house, perched precariously on the windowsill, knocking politely on the glass windowpanes.

Shikamaru stared in disbelief for a few moments, then opened the window.

"…Kakashi-sensei?"

---

Normally Neji wouldn't be caught dead in a flower shop, but he's visited so often lately he doesn't bother now.

Normally, Neji was also rather patient. Now, however, was different. It was almost evening. "Ino!" he called out.

"A girl needs to get ready, stop hurrying me!"

Neji twitched. What Shikamaru said was true- Ino could really be very high pitched when she was screaming… _What would you call her? _He thought, and chuckled to himself. _Troublesome. Of course._

Perhaps Shikamaru breaking up with her came as a bit of a shock to the kunoichi, but luckily Neji was there to explain things before she could explode- as she inevitably would have, the jounin was sure. But they understood now, and he needed her to come along, anyway. They were both Shikamaru's friends. Now more than ever… he needed them.

Hinata had made him realize this, whether she knew it or not. He made a mental note to thank her again- and to pay more attention to her. He had many things to teach her… but many more to learn. He knew how to be a shinobi. She knew how to be a person. Neji… Neji needed help in that area.

He wasn't sure if they would help at all. They only had so much to offer. Ino's forgiveness, and listening ears… perhaps that would be enough. And an apology on Neji's part, for being so… harsh. It might lift a weight off his shoulders. They knew nothing of the matter at hand- practically all of their knowledge on the matter was pure speculation. He wasn't sure if Shikamaru would even accept their help. Or what they would do. Really, both he and Shikamaru were completely useless when it came to such things… meaning the main driver would be Ino.

Ino in charge of anything couldn't be good.

"Alright, lets go!"

Neji turned around- but Ino walked right past him onto the road. "Are you coming, Neji!?" She called back.

The Hyuuga blinked. Neji walked calmly onto the road and followed after her. _We're coming, Shikamaru,_ he thought. _You're not alone._

---

Kakashi climbed nonchalantly through the window and into Shikamaru's bedroom, like it was the most normal thing in the world. With a quick glance, his one eye took it all in- it was after all, part of being a shinobi, to be able to take in the surroundings.

Most of the objects in the room were organized in untidy, conveniently placed stacks, and the rest of it was a mess- what one would expect of Shikamaru. The bedsheets were untidily strewn across the bed, but then again the boy had probably woken up not long before- there were small hints of bloodstains on them and on some of the walls, and Kakashi had no doubt about where they were from, judging by the pale layered scars he could see on the chuunin's skin. He could smell it, too, the blood, exceptional as his sense of smell was- and he could also smell many things. Blood. Sweat. The last, lingering traces of the scent of flowers- from the empty vase that stood abandoned in the corner. And Sasuke.

He could smell him everywhere. A lot of it, from the bed. Most of it, on Shikamaru.

The chuunin stared at him incredulously, and he beamed in return, waving cheerily- and it was a few moments before Shikamaru sat himself back down on his bed with an annoyed groan.

"Why the hell are you here, Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hm," Kakashi said thoughtfully. He could see the chuunin roll his eyes.

It was a good question, though. Kakashi himself wasn't too sure. Only that since the night before, since Kakashi had confirmed the nature of Sasuke's bizarre obsession with Shikamaru and their apparently intricately complex relations, something had nagged in the back of his mind. And, really- Shikamaru needed to know it.

"You look cute with your hair down, Shika-kun," Kakashi pointed out off-handedly.

"Tch." Shikamaru reached at the drawer with his hair bands, pulling one out and tying his hair up untidily- he looked like he was about to press his question, so Kakashi interjected.

"Sasuke seems to think so too."

Kakashi watched as Shikamaru stiffened visibly- he was so tense, really, the jounin thought. "What do you want?" Shikamaru said irritably.

"I just thought you'd want to know a bit more," Kakashi said casually. That should be enough to interest the boy- if Kakashi knew anything about Shikamaru, he would've been obsessing over Sasuke and just why he was doing this. Kakashi doubted he knew more about it than Shikamaru did- but that didn't mean he couldn't lie.

Besides, there was something he knew that he was quite sure that Shikamaru didn't. And, well- he hated to admit it, but Kakashi was-

"You're worried, aren't you?"

…worried. Yes. Kakashi tensed slightly- much less visibly than Shikamaru did, but the chuunin noticed it nonetheless, judging by that smirk. "You should know what you're getting into," the jounin said casually.

"Stop wasting my time, then," Shikamaru replied. _As though you have something better to do,_ Kakashi thought- he knew that Shikamaru's life had more or less been consumed by this. And he couldn't blame him, really…

"Sasuke may have just made the greatest choice in his life."

"What do you mean?"

Kakashi leaned against the wall- he hadn't quite thought this through. How was he going to explain this to Shikamaru? What had happened… Kakashi still wasn't that sure. What had it been… five, six days ago?

"_Well that was most troubling news, Sakura-chan."_

_Sakura nodded grimly, and took a sip from her drink. Kakashi watched patiently- there were always windows of opportunity, small moments in time when no one was watching, and that was when he'd actually lower his mask to eat his food. They were in a relatively quiet restaurant- the only reason they cam here was because it was far, far away from Ichiraku Ramen, or any of Naruto's favourite haunts. They were seated in the open-air area- it was far too stuffy indoors, and they couldn't help but feel uneasy with prying eyes and listening ears surrounding them. Not when such a delicate manner was at hand._

"_We have to tell Naruto eventually," she said thoughtfully, lowering her cup to the table. _

"_Hmm." Kakashi knew she was right. They had to tell him eventually. They couldn't protect him forever… and for all they knew this was doing him more harm than good. It would be best to let Naruto decide for himself. "Eventually."_

_A quiet, reflective silence passed between them- they had plenty to think about. Many factors to consider. But no matter what, to Kakashi- he was already decided. There was no turning this down. But Sakura… "What shall we do then, Sakura?"_

_She looked up and met his gaze- and Kakashi could see the determination brimming in her eyes. "Are you kidding, Kakashi-sensei?" she said, grinning boldly. "I'm not turning down a mission. Tsunade-sama wouldn't let me even if I wanted to."_

_Kakashi felt pride swell up in his chest, and nodded quietly, allowing a smile to cross his features- visible only in his creased eye. _Tsunade-sama would let you turn it down if you wanted to,_ he thought. _I made sure of that. But she was right. You wouldn't want to in the first place. _"Then it's decided. But it won't be easy."_

"_I never expected it to be," Sakura said, her tone more serious than before. "They won't be there for long… another week or so at best." She tensed ever so slightly, her muscles rigid, the grip on the cup increasing ever so slightly… Kakashi was rather observant, after all. _

So you've noticed too, Sakura. _Slower than he did, of course, but it was hard to rival his honed sense of smell. He knew that. _

"_It's a long journey," Sakura continued smoothly. "Four… three days, at best."_

"_Gai is coming," Kakashi said matter-of-factly. "We'll make it in two."_

_Sakura smiled. "That may be true, knowing Gai-sensei. Who else was assigned?"_

"_Only Gai and his team. Tsunade-sama did say that we can request as much backup as we want, and she'll do her best to accommodate." It wouldn't be easy. The chuunin exams were still ongoing, and ever since that attack years ago… it was preferable for as many teams as possible to stay behind._

_She pink-haired kunoichi shook her head. "We'll be able to handle it."_

_Kakashi nodded, smiling again. She really was so different from the girl who had fainted so easily on her first real test… Tsunade had turned her into… well, a miniature Tsunade. Sakura would end up surpassing her, some day. "But… ah." A more… difficult issue. "Will Naruto come along?"_

_Sakura paused, uncertainty in her voice. "We… do need to tell him eventually."_

"_Eventually," Kakashi parroted pointedly. As difficult as it was, they couldn't just keep putting it off to an ambiguous future. They had to tell him soon. This went unspoken- but Sakura understood._

"_Maybe better now than never," Sakura said quietly. _

"_Hmm," Kakashi agreed. _

"_And… Sasuke?"_

"…_Hn." Kakashi frowned slightly- had Sakura noticed after all? He understood, he supposed- Sakura was far more attached to this than he was (at least that's what he told himself), and it must be difficult for her. Especially when it came to Sasuke. _

"_It would be best to not let him know?"_

_Kakashi nodded in silent agreement. Sakura looked down- and he took the chance to steal a sip of tea before she spoke again. "Just imagine what he'd do, Kakashi-sensei," she said with a laugh._

"…_Sakura-"_

"_What we've found out? That he's on his way to Konoha. That we're going to stop him before he gets here… he's after Naruto. What would Sasuke do, if he found out-"_

"Sakura-"

"-_That we've found Itachi?"_

_Sakura was alarmed- she'd probably finally realized what that listening presence she identified awhile ago to be, and she leapt upright- but Kakashi was already gone. He had upset some tables along the way, but he barely noticed- he saw the world in single-minded tunnel vision, pushing his way through the crowds and leaping off the walls, darting through dark alleyways, chasing after the flash of black he always saw just around the corner. Roof to roof, building to building- and he finally saw no more, no more trail to follow, not even a scent, and found himself face to face with the forests of the village gates._

"_Damn it, Sasuke," he cursed, staring at the spot where his former student had stood just moments before._

"I always thought," Kakashi said casually, turning away from Shikamaru to gaze out the window, breaking himself out of his own reverie, "That there was only room for one person in Sasuke's life."

He didn't turn around to face him, but he could catch furrowed brows in the corner of his eye. Kakashi could practically see the turning wheels and cogs in the chuunin's mind, already working and piecing together what he knew. Kakashi smirked quietly to himself, and turned to face the window, leaning his weight on his arms, gripping the windowsill tightly. "It seems he chose you."

The jounin heard a light gasp come from behind him- and it appeared Shikamaru knew enough to understand the severity of this choice. Kakashi continued talking. "I don't think he understands just what he's done," he said, all too casually. "Either way… I'm warning you. Be careful."

Shikamaru laughed. Bitterly. A harsh bark. Kakashi still didn't turn around. "He's a heartless bastard, he'll break your heart- I've heard all of that before. I didn't need you to tell me that."

Kakashi closed his eyes. _It probably won't take him long to realize if he was as smart as you said he was, Asuma. I'll give him… ten counts? …Nah. Five.._

"I never intended on giving him my heart anyway," the chuunin scoffed from behind him. "Tch. I sound like someone from a book… damn Ino," he muttered under his breath.

Kakashi couldn't help a small grin at that, but waited patiently nonetheless, basking in the feel of warm sunlight against his face._Hn. Four. _

"…Wait. That's not it, is it?"

_Three. It's rather sunny today. Nice day for a walk,_ Kakashi told himself cheerily. _Oh, he is rather fast. It probably took me longer to realize, myself._

"…You aren't worried about me."

_Maybe I could do some reading later, looks like good light for it. Two. Or maybe it just took me longer to admit it? _Kakashi mused. Really, he could've just told Shikamaru directly, but this was much more fun. And easier, on his part.

"I don't believe it."

_He's got it,_ Kakashi thought quietly. He pulled himself up onto the windowsill, perching there. Really- he was leaving with Sakura-chan and Team Gai on the mission later that night. He wouldn't be around for quite some time, and he had to make this fact clear._One._

"You're worried I'll break _his _heart?"

Kakashi turned back, with his cheerful, one-eyed smile. "Don't say I didn't warn you," he said cheerfully, and leapt through the window without another word.

---

Shikamaru felt remarkably awkward.

How could he not? He was seated awkwardly on a chair, facing Neji and Ino on the couch across the table. They had come- rather expectedly- and knocked on the door. Ino had pretty much knocked the door down and demanded that Shikamaru tell them everything that happened- because they wanted to help. He was shocked, of course- but glad. But the reason why he ended up telling them everything was probably because of his past experiences- refusing Ino never ended up well.

So he told them everything.

From he first night- when their eyes met from across the room, and that was where it all began. The haunting image of Sasuke's eyes that stayed with him wherever he went- the suddenness of Sasuke's first approach.

The memory that stayed with him, unrelenting, turning from mild annoyance to a deathly obsession- the flag and the figure in the forest, the training by the waterfall, his own advances.

The denial, the flowers, the confusion- the nightly visits, the quiet rage, the disability for him to bring voice to his words, and words to his thoughts, the moment Sasuke came. Raw desire and lust and passion. The five days of near-insanity, Sasuke's unexpected return and drastic change- his return to his normal self.

And now this.

Neji drank in every word with a sort of grim understanding. Ino was… much more animated. But she listened.

Shikamaru never expected it to be so… easy. He talked about it easily- although he detached himself from it perhaps too much, but there was no way he was going to break down in front of these two. But Ino was his friend, and Neji- Neji was too. Not to mention, when he apologized for his harshness and Shikamaru forgave him, there was something the chuunin didn't say- that Neji thought so similarly to him, his words felt like they were coming from himself. But without the denial and anger to cloud his judgement. Neji was… an outer voice of reason.

Ino eventually had to leave- her parents had decided to put their foot down, as she'd been skipping her work for extensive periods of time in the past few days- mostly to try in vain to barge down Shikamaru's door, of course. She gave him a hug- a kiss on the cheek.

Shikamaru may have blushed.

"Troublesome," he muttered as he walked back from the door- to see Neji on the couch, smirking back at him. "Don't say a word."

"Of course not," Neji said calmly.

"Hn." Shikamaru sighed and collapsed on the chair.

And the silence stretched on for what seemed like an eternity. Shikamaru kept his eyes on the clock mounted on his wall. He didn't have much time until Sasuke was due back again… in fact, he should have Neji out of the house and he should be in his room within a half hour.

He had to say that even if they couldn't help, it felt like he could breathe again. Like a remarkable weight was taken from his shoulders. Like there was a chance on the horizon for all this to make _sense._

_Pheh. A fat chance,_ he scoffed at himself.

"So this relationship of yours," Neji said suddenly, breaking the silence. "Is it driven only by… desire?"

So matter-of-fact and direct. _Only Neji,_ Shikamaru told himself. He shrugged. "Probably." Probably. He could never bring himself to say yes.

"Then what's the problem? It's… technically a win-win bargain."

"What the hell do you mean what's the problem?" Shikamaru snapped. Absurd. What kind of insensitive dickhead was he?

But Shikamaru had thought about it before. That if the relationship was driven by lust alone, there really wasn't much downside to it. They could both just get what they wanted and go on with their lives. But somehow he had let it consume his life. Somehow, Shikamaru had too many questions…

"You say you want to know… why."

The chuunin nodded.

"…Why what?"

"What do you mean why what?" What a ridiculous question. It was why… why… why _everything. _He couldn't quite pinpoint it, but it was why everything.

"You say you want answers," Neji said thoughtfully. "But… maybe you aren't asking the right questions."

"Wouldn't I know what questions I'm asking myself?"

"Not if you won't admit to them."

Shikamaru didn't reply- he kicked back on the chair and gazed up at the ceiling, and thought of Kakashi and how the jounin couldn't quite admit to what he was really trying to say- and relied on Shikamaru's analytical skills to get his point across. That Kakashi was afraid to admit that he cared.

_Worried I'll break _his _heart? Pheh._ It still made no sense to him at all- then again, none of this did.

Ten minutes of silence later, Neji made his way to the door. Shikamaru stood up and followed him, standing awkwardly at the door.

"Ah… look. I know this is weird and all, but…"

"I'm sorry we couldn't help you more," Neji interrupted- he was already outside of the door, his hand on the doorknob.

Shikamaru shook his head. "Thanks. You… you didn't have to."

Neji paused for a moment, as though uncertain of what to say- and then he smiled. Truly, genuinely, smiled- and for the first time Shikamaru could clearly read emotions off Neji's face. Gratitude. Concern.

"You're my friend, Shikamaru," Neji said, and he closed the door behind him.

Shikamaru stood behind the closed door for awhile, as though taking in everything that had just happened. Without so much as batting an eyelid, he walked towards the stairs that led to his bedroom. Sasuke would be arriving soon, and this time… he wasn't alone. There were always things he had to say, things he had to do, but every time- every time, he'd always stopped. Things got in the way. Fear. Awkwardness. Confusion. Hatred. Lust. Things always got in the way…

But not this time.

---

**A/N: Okay, here's the deal- **

**I love you all! This came out much faster for a few reasons: one, inspiration attack, two, because it's shorter, and three, to make up for possible chapter 15 delay. Due to complications of family and reality, my internet access my be limited or cut off entirely for some time. I may not even have access to a computer. **

**Either way, I'm planning to take my time with the last chapter and make it a worthy ending, and hopefully one you won't expect, but one you'd enjoy. As I said before, I believe that the ending fits the story, though I'm afraid of how it might go down with the readers because of it's nature. I am a writer, though- and that means I write to tell a story, and I write for myself. I'm not about to change the story to please people, so I'm sorry for that, if the ending ends up not being what you expect, but I hope you can respect what I was trying to do.**

**Hugs to all of you who have reviewed, and a big shout out to Dolphyana, Timberfox (Welcome to xD), Split Persona, Silver-eyed, Vilde0806 and Leneypoo - all reviews are awesome, but yours really made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and helped me understand what I was doing right and where I could improve. Thank you!**

**(If any reader wants to contact me, my AIM is Ilkanta. Love to hear from you guys!) **

**Hopefully this issue doesn't turn out to be anything at all- in which case you might be able to expect our finale very, very soon. It may actually be quite short- short but powerful, so I hope. Seriously, it's incredible how far this thing has gone... it's a novel. A fanfic!novel! **

**Thank you all again! I'll leave you with this overdramatic textual movie trailer! Who's in it? I'M NOT TELLING D Fear the lame. xD**

**---**

_So many questions, but no-_

"No."

"No?"  
(_he never said no before)_

"I… I can't."

"Why not?"  
(_he never asked why before)_

"…There's something I must do."

_- answers,_

_but the answer  
may be something  
you've always known._

**fifteen.  
ANSWERS**

_It's about time you got some._

**---**


	15. fifteen: Answers

**A/N: Quite a lot of this chapter might be one giant lime. So. Yeah. **

**I must apologize for the massive wait, but it's here, so stop complaining and read it. xD**

---

**fifteen.**

**ANSWERS**

_turn your anger into lust  
I'm still here, but you don't trust at all  
and I'll be waiting  
love and sex and loneliness  
take what's yours and leave the rest  
and I'll survive  
god it's good to be alive –_

_still in love with all your sins  
where you stop's where I begin and I  
I'll be waiting  
living like a house on fire  
what you fear is your desire  
you're all or not  
I don't need what you ain't got –_

_I'm torn in pieces  
I'm blind and waiting for  
my heart is reeling  
I'm blind and waiting for you_

Big Machine, Goo Goo Dolls

---

He doesn't know what to expect when Sasuke decided to enter through the door instead of the window.

It was a small change, really, but there was something in the _way_ he did it. Shikamaru couldn't help but notice- or maybe imagine- that somehow he opened the door softly, gently, closed it slowly behind him. As though afraid to make a sound. As though afraid of having anyone know. As though afraid of intruding.

But since when had Sasuke been afraid?

Shikamaru looks up from where he's seated on the edge of the bed, slightly different from how he normally waits. Usually he's seated there, down to his mesh shirt and baggy black trousers- and refuses to meet Sasuke's gaze, until he's forced. Now he looks up- his heavy jacket is still on, as stuffy as it felt in his small room, and even the chuunin vest- but his hair is untied, falling past his eyes, the band worn around his wrist. Their eyes meet- and it was different. Awkward. And Sasuke looked away.

But since when had Sasuke looked away?

As if shy. As if afraid. _Hah,_ Shikamaru scoffed at himself in his brain for even daring to think so- _Doesn't this seem familiar? _Of course it does- it's like what the Uchiha did not too long ago, let him hope and take it all away- and Shikamaru had just taken it, and would've been content to be used and left and broken- if not for his… friends. _Exactly the same._ Always the same- tiring routine, it was, night after night- but somehow the break from it had driven him almost insane. Somehow he needed it. Somehow he wanted it. Sasuke stands there- there is no smirk on his lips, and his face is blank, unreadable- as though he was hesitating, as though he was unsure.

But since when had Sasuke been unsure?

He looks up again- but this time it is Shikamaru that looks away. Shikamaru couldn't take it, Sasuke's lying- didn't want to look into a gaze that tempted him with what he couldn't have. It was a cruel thing to do. Cruel. But Sasuke had always been cruel. Shikamaru let his eyes wander- but no matter how much he wanted them to wander the room, they made their way back to the figure standing before the door. Framed by the moonlight, faint battle scars and hints of muscles in his lithe frame where that unnaturally pale skin was bared, a delicate curve of the throat, a strong jaw- soft, wet lips. Shikamaru's lips suddenly felt very dry, and he licked them involuntarily- and saw Sasuke's moist lips twist into a cruel smirk.

Ah, this was far more familiar.

Shikamaru refused to react and continued to let his eyes travel Sasuke's body- somewhat narrow but strong shoulders, muscular arms, bandaged on the forearm- he saw something he hadn't quite noticed before. Amid the black and white bandages that were almost artfully wrapped around Sasuke's forearms, a somewhat out of place band of black adorned his wrist, made out of- Shikamaru realized- small black bands. He counted them- one, two… nineteen. All of them. They were all there. Shikamaru instinctively tried to grab at the hair band that usually tied up his hair- only it wasn't there, so he ended up running his fingers through his hair.

He saw Sasuke twitch slightly, lick his lips, widen his eyes.

But somehow Sasuke hesitates still- and Shikamaru was growing agitated. He didn't understand why he held back, and at the moment, didn't care. There was a tension in the air, so great, so solid, so_real_ that it seemed to squeeze the air out of Shikamaru's lungs- and he knew there was only one release. He stood up, stepped forward and leaned in, somewhat clumsily- threw his arms around Sasuke's shoulders.

It was far more tender, more gentle, than he intended- and noticing this at once, Shikamaru was instantly more aggressive- hungry- probing, begging for entry. He opens his eyes to see Sasuke's gazing back at him in mild surprise and amusement, and those lips were unmoving and stiff- but quite suddenly Sasuke's hands found themselves fisting aggressively in Shikamaru's hair, and Shikamaru found himself- quite comfortably- back in the position of the submissive, parting his lips and allowing Sasuke's tongue to explore. It felt even hungrier, even more lustful than before- somehow they both felt it, somehow it was different- somehow, no other night had been like _tonight_. Shikamaru finds his back pressed against the cold concrete wall, finds his hands grabbing weakly at the back of Sasuke's head and neck, feeling silken strands of hair slide through his grasp- it was like this every time. Somehow he was just so overpowered, somehow so _dominated­- _and he loved every minute of it. It sent heat radiating throughout his body, shivers of pleasure down his spine, warmth rocketing up his legs.

Quite suddenly, Shikamaru jerked his head back.

"No," he gasps, not quite believing what he's doing, but pushing it anyway- it felt like that desire and need was a thick fog, and he pushed heavily through it, knowing there was something he _had_ to do. Knowing he couldn't put it off. Knowing his friends were behind him. He'd never said no before.

"No?" Sasuke mocked. Always mocked. Shikamaru had never really said no before- and really, the chuunin could imagine how twistedly amused the other was.

"I… I can't." He stutters, staggers- somehow the words don't seem to fit the whirlwind in his mind that was slowly destroying the fog.

"Why not?" Came the reply- Sasuke's breath too, was heavy and laboured- the small shivers that shudder through their bodies are felt by both of them, their limbs so closely intertwined. The question- mocking as it always was- sounded like… well, Shikamaru may have been delusional, that was a full possibility, given the situation- but it sounded almost like- well, to be honest- like concern. He never asked why before.

"…There's-" he gasps a little, as though for breath. Somehow Sasuke's grip around his wrists tightened, somehow Sasuke's body felt tenser against his own- Shikamaru thought it was almost protective, out of that concern he thought he heard. Shikamaru would have liked to think it was protective, but he knew it couldn't have been anything other than plain possessiveness. He settles a little in being held tighter against Sasuke- somehow it felt comforting, safe, secure- but quickly jerks, pulls himself away- he staggers backwards and falls, seated, onto his bed. Sasuke stares at him, as though not quite believing he did that- and Shikamaru could hardly believe it himself. But the fog- the fog was clearer now (Shikamaru did his best to ignore the overwhelming desire to kick himself in the head for pulling away), and well, "There's something I must do."

"What, hn?" Sasuke asks- and Shikamaru flinches a little, shies away from an imaginary blow, expects to be thrown back onto the bed with a mocking glare. But instead Sasuke quietly walks to sit down beside him- the weight on the bed was comfortable, familiar, and they both refused to draw attention to the fact that their hands on the bed had their fingers just grazing each other, ever-so-slightly.

Shikamaru pushes the thoughts out of his mind- _No. Fuck no, this is no time for that. I need to…_ "I have some questions." So many questions… He looked away- tears his hand away from Sasuke's, ignoring that it took more effort than it should have. _Fuck you, Sasuke. It's been going on for too long. I need to do this now. Now or never. _"And you are going to answer them."

---

"_Y-you still look w-worried, Neji nii-san…"_

"_I've done what I can. The rest is up to them, now."_

"_I'm s-sorry I couldn't h-help more…"_

"_You shouldn't apologize so much, Hinata-sa… Hinata."_

"…_N-Neji?"_

"…_Thank you, Hinata." _

---

"Am I, now?"

Shikamaru makes a disgruntled noise at the sound of the low, familiar drawl- twistedly amused and always cold. He's long ago realized that he shouldn't bother letting the words affect him, but somehow they always do. He doesn't move, not at all, except for the slowly-steadying rise and fall of his chest- keeps his gaze determinedly forward, refusing to look at Sasuke, to see that smirk. Because he doesn't want to be intimidated. Because he doesn't want to back down. Because those lips are so wet and moist and damn it, he _knows_ he might not be able to help it.

"Yes." He doesn't waste time, doesn't hesitate, doesn't wait for that cold comeback that he knows is coming. "Who… who are you?"

Shikamaru could imagine the smile on Sasuke's ever-so-tempting lips before the question leaves his own. "I think you know my name," was the reply. Short and simple and uncooperative- everything that Shikamaru had expected, but not quite what Shikamaru hoped.

He had already decided to not bother with waiting, to spare him the agony, and had drawn breath to ask the next question when Sasuke chooses to continue.

"I am an avenger," Sasuke said- the same tired response the Uchiha repeated to everyone who asked. But then- there was more. "What you found out that night is more about me than anyone has dared to ask." The rest is unspoken, lingering in the air- _You have some nerve to dare to ask for more._ And even more still, written in that smile- _But I like you that way._

Shikamaru doesn't need to ask which night it was- it's clear to them both. But what surprises him was that he acknowledges it- wasn't it a lie? Was there more to it? The chuunin was quite frankly amazed he was still breathing if he knew more about Sasuke than the Uchiha had intended him to… so was it intended, after all? Was he actually trying to share something? Shikamaru refuses to display his surprise- but he knows Sasuke can probably see it anyway, in the tensing of his shoulders, the tightened grip on his shoulders, the slight change in his breath.

"…What is this?"

"Hm?"

"All of this."

Shikamaru knows he doesn't have to clarify any further, and Sasuke takes it in quietly. The chuunin wills himself to stare at the wall, as tempting as it is to turn his head ever so slightly around when he can see the fringes of black bangs in the corner of his eyes. This. This- everything. Everything that had happened since the lingering glance across a crowded room. Did it mean anything? …Did that night mean anything? An all-encompassing question- but, Shikamaru knew, it would get anything but an all-encompassing answer.

"Nothing," comes the cold reply- and then added on, almost in afterthought, "Just the result of a series of interesting events- and a convenient outlet for wanton desire that has no place in vengeance."

The words hit him like a dagger through the chest, twisted and then pulled, leaving a gaping wound of numb surprise and shattered reluctant hopes that bled and bled. But it made no sense- if that was all this was, that one night- what was it for? He looks to the corner of the room, further away from Sasuke- refuses to linger on the answer, moves on- all too quickly, he knew, that Sasuke could hazard an more than accurate guess at his thoughts. "Where did you go?"

He hates the silence that greets his words- they're giving him time to think.

"That's enough."

Shikamaru's head snaps around instantly, frustration written across his face- no, that was not enough, he still had questions to ask and there was no fucking way he was waiting any longer. The words of anger form in his throat but his voice runs dry the moment he catches sight of those eyes- serious and brimming with a murderous intent, but somehow tired and mournful.

It was something entirely unexpected- but something that a shinobi was trained to do. There are windows of time, fleeting opportunities, no matter how great your opponent was- that they were at their most vulnerable. It was a shinobi's task to find these times- and make use of them. And in that one moment of hesitation Shikamaru found himself on his back, against the bed, struggling (but even he knew those struggles were mostly symbolic now) to free his hands from Sasuke's powerful grip- unable to avert his gaze from dark, possessive eyes and moist lips that made his own feel dry.

"I have some questions for _you._"

Shikamaru doesn't know quite how to react when he hears this- just lies there, staring up at his eyes, his lips, his hair. The chuunin licked his lips involuntarily, winces- but doesn't see a smirk, only a sort of empty anger within Sasuke's eyes.

"I know you're dealing with a lot of shit from me," Sasuke hisses fiercely. Shikamaru can't help but note that it's the second most expressive thing he's ever heard from the Uchiha- the first being the groans and the barley-held-in moans he allows to escape his throat. "But have you ever thought about what the hell_I'm_ going through?"

…No. He hadn't. Not at all. And Sasuke goes on a bit of a rant- the most words Shikamaru had ever heard from him before.

"Have you ever thought, for once, that I am confused by _you?_Have you ever considered that that night meant something to me as well? Have you ever even imagined that I'm as lost as you are- Have you ever fucking noticed everything I'm doing for you?"

…What Sasuke was doing for him? If not for his surprise, Shikamaru would've been yelling straight back. What the hell was he doing for him- raping him? He'd heard from Kakashi and Sakura before- that Sasuke wants to please people. Shikamaru didn't believe them at all.

"What have you expected of me? Haven't I given it to you? Those first nights you waited for me in the fields- and then I came. These nights you wait for me in your room- and I come. You fear, so I frighten, you submit, so I dominate, you hide, so I search- and as much as you deny it in your own voice you beg for more. Haven't I given you enough? And what do I get from it?

"Nothing. Nothing. That's all this is. Nothing but fucking sex and sweat all pushed away and forgotten by the morning. Especially after that damn night- I waited, I waited for you to say something, do something, just fucking show me that this could be anything more- but I get nothing."

_...You waited?_ Shikamaru echoes in his mind, shocked- _You were waiting for me? Did you- yes. Yes you did. But… I was waiting for you._

"All you wanted was the sex, so fine, so I gave you that. All I did was leave you for five days… five damn days… and fuck it, Shikamaru, _I came back!"_

They just stay there, one on top of the other, staring. Sasuke was sweating, panting, as though exhausted- and after an eternity a smile- an actual smile- spread across his lips. "But I'm being selfish," he whispered- but his voice was cold again, harsh, unforgiving and dripping with cold-blooded malice. "I don't expect you to answer a thing. But I'll answer yours…

"…but only after I get what I need."

And Sasuke presses their lips together fiercely- Shikamaru doesn't hesitate and allows him entry instantly (he'd been craving it too, though he wouldn't say it), and it's scarcely a few moments before their clothes are lost and Shikamaru was digging his fingers into Sasuke's shoulderblades to keep himself from screaming, and even still the occasional groan found it's way to the air between them to mingle with their sweat. Shikamaru's legs were spread apart by cold, slender hands- each and every thrust hits home and somehow it's faster, harder, needier than ever before, and Shikamaru just groans and grinds and manages to beg for deeper and more. Just before pure ecstasy blinds his eyes, just before the pleasure robbed him of his mind, Shikamaru was aware enough to notice that- for the first time- Sasuke had groaned his _name._

---

"_Oy, Ino…"_

"_What is it?"_

"_You look sad today."_

"_Yeah, so?"_

"_Did Shikamaru dump you?"_

"_What- I- Chouji! Yes, but- it's not like that! I'm worried about him!."_

"_About Shikamaru? Why?"_

"_Ah, it's- nothing, Chouji. It'll turn out for the best."_

---

Sasuke collapses on top of him and remained there for so long Shikamaru might've thought him dead, if not for the fact that he could feel ragged breath against his ear and a pounding heartbeat next to his own. After awhile they fidget and squirm, the same way they always do, and somehow find their way into the same awkward position, Shikamaru held within a strangely comforting embrace- only before he'd always thought those arms were empty and cold, but now, if anything, they seemed so warm.

"Kakashi," Sasuke whispers- straight into his ear, from where his head is resting comfortably in the nook of pale shoulders. "And Sakura. They had a mission. Naruto was not involved. It meant one thing.

"Akatsuki."

Shikamaru feels the grip around him tighten- but somehow he doesn't feel afraid even if the breath could have been squeezed from his lungs if Sasuke decided to entertain the slightest whim. _Akatsuki_. But that alone wouldn't stop the Uchiha- and that must mean… "…Itachi?"

The silence was brief, and the response so painfully deadpan that Shikamaru almost shivers in Sasuke's grasp. "I spent five days in the old compound." Another pause. "They knew where he was. What he was doing. How long he'd be there… and they were going to kill him."

The chuunin opens his mouth, but the question was caught in his throat- somehow, something in the way he could feel Sasuke's heartbeat through his chest on his back told him that it was a question was one that he shouldn't ask. Five days- he could just imagine it. For five days, Sasuke wandering the lonely ghost town of what used to be his home, listening to the whispers and echoes of past joys, past sorrows- Shikamaru can almost see the nostalgic smile on his face until his dark eyes wander to the cracks spiderwebbing their way across blood-splattered walls, when the smile vanishes into nothing but a grim determination. Instinctively Shikamaru raises his arm to grab hold of one of Sasuke's that was wrapped around his waist- he feels the Uchiha twitch ever so slightly, but there was not much point in disallowing any touch, not after everything they've done.

Shikamaru decides to move on. "When- when did you first… see me?"

It sounded like an odd question, but the chuunin isn't sure how to phrase it- he takes the comemplative noise rumbling from Sasuke's throat behind his ear to be a sign that it was understood. When did Sasuke first _notice_ Shikamaru- was it really that night, in the dinner, or was it something before? The reply is cold and blunt and harsh- makes Shikamaru fidget slightly in his position, feeling almost trapped by pale, slender, _beautiful_ chains, like ice-cold water sliding down his spine.

"I only noticed you once before that night," Sasuke says matter-of-factly. "When Kakashi told me of your risks. You were always the coward- to back off and cut your losses, but somehow you persesevered when it came to chasing me." His grasp tightened noticably. "I wanted to know why."

Why? Shikamaru still wasn't too sure himself… but there were many things. A sense of duty. A sense of camaraderie. But most of all… "Hope."

Sasuke continues as if the response never came. "The night itself was nothing. It was only after that I came to you, wasn't it? It was because you waited. And I wanted to know why."

This time, Shikamaru has no answers.

"This is nothing but a thing of lust," Sasuke said coldly- a reminder that felt like it was meant to crash through the glass castles of Shikamaru's imaginings. "Alll it was. All it is. All it will be."

"How… how could you leave me?"

Sasuke laughs- chuckles softly, mockingly, into his ear. He knows the question is as pathetic as it sounds- but he wanted it answered, nontheless. He digs his fingernails into Sasuke's flesh the way Sasuke's are digging into his- concentrates on nothing but the feeling and the pain and the sound of Sasuke's drawling voice. He doesn't let his mind linger on what Sasuke has said and hopes that the answer

"There's room for only one in the life of an avenger."

And this time he knows what he wants to ask for why.

"…then why did you come back?"

---

"_So that's what all this is about…"_

"_You know, I'm surprised Ino didn't tell you, Sakura-chan. She must have had quite a lot of trouble keeping her mouth shut."_

"_Don't be like that, Kakashi-sensei!"_

"_It's true."_

"_Yes- but- nevermind."_

"_Hmm?"_

"…_So what do you think happened?"_

"_I don't know, Sakura…"_

_---_

Shikamaru pulls himself upright as Sasuke pulls his arms away- he watched as the Uchiha pulled on his clothes, admiring the way the sweat glinted off his skin to show off the muscles rippling beneath his skin. All these answers he had… expected, to some degree. Lust. Nothing more. Never will be. But somehow they bothered him, made him upset. He pulled on his own pants, his fishnet shirt- left the question hanging ominously in the air between them, convinced that it would be something else that was never to be answered. He seats himself on the edge of the bed- puts on his all-too-familiar passive face that he uses to face the outside world, the permanent expression of apathy. Sasuke turns around- sees this- and _smiles._

It is a strange sight.

"That face," Sasuke commented, pulling his shirt over his head.

"Tch. What about it?" The chuunin grumbled, glancing away in an annoyed scowl. "I use it all the time."

"For everyone else, maybe- but not for me."

He scowled again- but then he realized that it was true. In a strange way, the face that he put on to face the world- the nonchalant, bored Shikamaru that wasn't too far from the truth, except for a mind that was constantly puzzling and thinking and analyzing. But somehow with Sasuke… he had been without it. He had been is lustful, troublesome, angsty self. But that didn't mean anything- Sasuke was responsible for most of it, anyway. Bastard.

Somehow… it didn't feel like the right question to ask. _Why did you come back._ It was still a question he wanted answered- but somehow there was something more, some question that he couldn't lay a finger on.

"Because…"

Shikamaru looked up, his eyes widening slightly. Was… Sasuke answering the question? Tonight was full of surprises… Sasuke had always been so keen on keeping secrets, in telling everyone nothing. Why the sudden change? …Why so many why questions? Damnit. But still… none of them sounded right.

Sasuke hesitated, and turned away to face the open window- a dark silhouette, backlit by the brilliant moonlight. "You told me never to leave you like that again."

_That_ was why he came back? Shikamaru didn't know what to make of it. At all.

"I'm not…"

But why would he listen- why would he care?... and somehow he still couldn't find the right questions or the right answers.

"This time… I'm telling you first."

A heartbeat.

Sasuke was leaving.

Why? Why was he leaving? But even then Shikamaru already knew the answer… and damn, the question _still_ didn't sound right. He needed to ask it. He needed to know. Before Sasuke left again.

"Shikamaru… I'm leaving."

His name. Again. Sasuke had said his name.

What had Neji said? Always asking the wrong questions. Well, he knew that. Shikamaru _always_ asked the wrong questions. Somehow all he could do as his mind was working and his heart was racing was stare impassively at the back of Sasuke's head. Sasuke just stood there, at the window, for some time.

It was a why. It was definitely a why. Why what? Why… everything. But, no, damnit, there was a question, he somehow just couldn't think of it. His fists clenched around the bedsheets, but the blank look on his face remained. Not that Sasuke could see it, anyway.

"Stay," Shikamaru found himself saying. Stupidly. Helplessly. Blurting it out in a moment of weakness.

"...No."

"…No?"

"I can't."

"Why not?" Shikamaru didn't particularly care what he sounded like at that point of time- he felt just like a spoilt child, clinging onto a dream he didn't want to lose despite that in the world of reality, there was no castle by the sea, and there was no dream. There was something caught in his throat, something he wanted to say, something he wanted to do. Something that got in the way.

"There's…" Sasuke paused. He turned around- and in a second Shikamaru found his chin lifted up by cold but gentle hands, and he closed their eyes and found moist lips against is- not anything like the kisses they've had before, not quite so hungry, not quite so desperate. But gentle. Sweet. "…There's something I must do."

The question, then, was obvious. "Itachi?"

And the answer was hesitant, and Sasuke turned to face the window again."If I don't leave tonight, I may never find him again."

Shikamaru scowled to himself- fuck. There was something he needed to say- something he needed to ask… But damnit, somehow he couldn't think of the right question to ask Sasuke- and wait. Was that the problem? …Was he somehow… asking the wrong person?

And it all made sense.

"So goodbye."

"Wait!'

It shouldn't have worked. Sasuke should have left- and Sasuke was already half out the window in an awkward position, thanks to the dark line of a shadow that connected them both. Shikamaru had leapt upright, hands formed into a seal, heart hammering his chest, blood pounding in his ears. It made sense. It finally, finally, _finally_ made sense.

But what was he to do about it?

He felt his arm twitch a little- and he knew what it meant. "What?" Came Sasuke's voice- somewhat annoyed, somewhat amused. Sasuke was more than capable of breaking the jutsu, and the only reason why he was not already gone through the window was… because he wanted to hear whatever it was that Shikamaru had to say.

But after so long, he finally understood. The question was why but he had to answer it _himself._

Why he had been so bothered by it all, why he put up with it, why he kept waiting night after night, why he tortured himself so, why… well, why everything. And the answer?

…he knew the answer. He had always known the answer. But never named it, never admitted it, never dared to say it.

"…Sasuke."

Shikamaru can feel the strain against his jutsu- can feel his limbs moving, Sasuke leaning out the window. But he knew the answers now… and whatever came after… he couldn't say.

"What is it?" Harsh and impatient. Cold. Low. As always.

"Stay."

"I said I-"

_No. No, damn, you don't understand. After so long… after all this… I finally know what to say._

"-can't, I have-"

"Sasuke-"

"Shikamaru-"

"I love you."

---

_but we can hope  
whatever choice he made…  
he won't live to regret it._

---

**owari**

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**IHSAFJKJFSASAJSA I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Seriously, love. I actually finished this! Hooray! Sorry I took so long, but yeah.**

**And yes, this was the ending I had envisioned from the start. Sequel, yes/no? Still undecided… but I thought it was a nice way to end it, even if wasn't so much of an ending.**

**I'm going to try a few writing challenges next, as I mentioned in the previous chapter… if you're interested, just give me a watch! Feel free to suggest anything, I love ideas and I'm running out of them anyway, even if you're just suggesting pairings. For those challenges, I might take suggestions from the reviews or something, I thought it'd be interesting. Tell me what you think?**

**OHMYGOD I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH.**

**This chapter was somehow easy to write, but I just kept on rewriting it- I wanted to get it perfect. And while I don't think I've hit perfection, I'm happy with the result, and I hope you are too.**

**Once again, thank you all.**

**- Ilkanta**

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